Cadburys takeover forces Milk Tray Man to become a gigolo

The takeover of chocolate giant Cadburys by US food manufacturer Kraft will result in large job losses with many of the much loved figures associated with the company being given the boot. The news has hit the firm hard with many of the brands unable to come to terms with their fate. Early this morning, a Twirl bar was found to have hanged itself in the toilets. An accompanying note read, "Let's face it, I was always just a wannabe Flake."

The Caramel Bunny is one such new addition to the dole queue and she explained how the news was broken to her. "I was called into the head office and was told that I was being let go. It seems the new face of Cadburys Caramel will be a giant helicopter named Doug. He'll still have a seductive quality but apparently his sexual allure will be more helicopter-based."

Other noted changes of career include the Milk Tray man who will be a man hooker, paid to romance bored housewives and sexually curious farmhands. He seemed unsure about his new job although keen to get started. "On the plus side, it means I no longer have to climb through windows. But on the downside, I don't think I'll be able to make it through the day without crying."

The Americans' takeover means a new aggressive approach to advertising with old slogans given a bit more punch. One such example is the new campaign for Flake: "Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate, tastes like chocolate never tasted before. So buy it you faggot!"

Republicans to thwart Obama’s health plans by showing clips of Eastenders

It is the debate that it is dividing America into two separate camps. One side is trying to establish a healthcare system for all whilst the other side see this as the vilest incarnation of socialism since Bill Clinton’s Equal Opportunities for Interns programme of the Nineties. As usual, the issue is being debated on the airwaves and on national television with scaremongering adverts showing the potential dangers of using socialised medicine. One campaign shows Shane McGowan singing and features the tagline ‘Is This What You Want For Your Children?’

However, it is the use of clips of the popular soap opera Eastenders that has stirred up the most debate amongst Americans. Those against Obama’s healthcare plans say that the people featured in the programme are the perfect example of how socialised medicine fails to treat the most hideous of injuries. Chuck Beasley said, “This Ian Beale guy, he’s clearly been in a car accident. The treatment he got means that he can’t talk right and his face is still a complete mess. Then there’s Alfie Moon, that guy must have taken a lot of blows to the head that have gone completely untreated. He looks like a monkey who’s constantly surprised.”

Other notable British have been targeted by the American right to support their cause of the dangers of socialised medicine. Peter Crouch, Chris Moyles and Jeremy Clarkson have all been pinpointed on the assumption that they have had bad experiences with the NHS rather than just being plain ugly. Wesley Pinchmore, a lobbyist for a health insurance firm said, “I mean no disrespect to the Queen but she looks like she’s been throttled by a horse.”