Family urge anti-capitalist son not to be an asshole around Christmas

A family based in Bromley has put out an urgent appeal to their son begging him to not ruin Christmas by shouting excerpts of Karl Marx at anyone wielding a cracker. The Hudsons, a family of four, are concerned that their son's militant tendencies will spoil the holiday season through harranguing his relatives with anti-capitalist rhetoric.

Mr. Hudson said, "Eric is a perfectly pleasant boy but he has just spent his first term at university and has picked up ideas that he doesn't really understand. He goes on and on about free markets and plutocracies. But when you ask him who Alan Greenspan is, he says he's a member of N-Dubz. I mean, that's possibly true but I'm pretty sure he does do other stuff."

However, Eric Hudson is unrepentant at his attitude to the festive season. "Don't give me all that stuff about people coming together, presents and happiness. It's about money and corporations and greed and yeah. It's just another phoney dressed up charade to fool us into perpetuating the capitalist system that enslaves us and exploits us and yeah." When asked if knew what quantative easing meant, Hudson replied, "Yeah, it's when you film someone shoplifting from Lidl. Safe."

Is Susan Boyle joining the Sugababes?

No, that would be stupid. But the ever changing line-up of one of the most successful British girl groups means a space will shortly be opening up. The only remaining founding member of the group, Keisha Buchanan was kicked out of the band following a row with the record company, which is rumoured to be over the look for their next video. Buchanan was said to be favouring a hommage to 1930s Hollywood glamour with flowing dresses and floral prints. The record company thought it would be better if they danced around in their pants. The Chum Bucket looks at the runners and riders for the coveted chance to get in front of a camera and point at their bum.

Kerry Katona - odds 6/4

Pros: Has experience of being in a girl band. Has plenty of time on her hands. Would not be fazed by the excesses of showbusiness. Has shown that she is able to slim down time after time after time

Cons: Is a bit mental.

Carol Thatcher - odds 7/2

Pros: Knows what it takes to be part of a long-standing dynasty with a history of success and crushing any opposition. Has plenty of time on her hands. After having Margaret Thatcher for her mother, the pressures of singing in front of a live audience would be no problem.

Cons: Is a bit racist

Dustin Hoffman - odds 18/1

Pros: Is a showbusiness guy. Has experience of working with powerful and assertive women. Can pull off wearing a dress.

Cons: Is busy working his own album, a folk funk freakout collaboration with the Insane Clown Posse

Catherine the Great - odds 14/5

Pros: Feisty. Secured Russia as a major European force in the 18th century. Proved adept at managing competing interests within her court. A freethinker who associated with some of the finest minds of her time.

Cons: Dead. Banged horses.

Chelsea left reliant on something called 'tactics'

The world of Chelsea Football Club has been turned upside down with the news that they are to be banned from splurging out monstrous sums equivalent to a Third World nation's debt. The ban is a result of encouraging a 17-year old youngster to break his contract on the promise of cheap cider and a go at steering Chairman Roman Abramovich's yacht. Head of recruitment Frank Arnesen was astounded by the news. "I honestly didn't think it was a bad thing to break a contract," said Arnesen, looking around nervously for any sign of Russian henchmen in the vicinity, "I've done it loads of times. Contracts are like houses. If you don't like them, set fire to them and walk away to a better one."

The ruling means that Chelsea are unable to buy any new players until 2011 leading to a massive drop in confidence within the squad. Training has been a nightmare with players confused as to how to win matches without spending £80,000 each time someone takes a corner. Head coach Carlo Ancelotti tells of his frustration at trying to get his instructions across. "I say to Frank Lampard 'Cross the ball into the box' and he says 'All right then. Fifty quid.' I try to explain to him that crossing is his job and he moans 'Can't we just buy someone to do instead? I'm tired.' Then there's Didier Drogba who keeps on missing the ball. I asked him why he was doing it and he just says 'I thought Cristiano Ronaldo was going to hit it.' I try to explain that Ronaldo doesn't play for us. He sighs and says 'Well then just buy him then.'"

Teachers urged to cater for drunk pupils

Teachers must adapt to the increasing numbers of drunkards in their classes, a new report claims. A new study has found that Britain is the European capital of underage drinking with up to 33% of under-15s describing themselves as "mashed from head to toe." Edward Keesley was one such inebriate. "I'm what you might call a social drinker," said Keesley, "If I'm in double maths and someone offers me a pint, I'll have it. Then if it's break time and there's a bottle of sherry going around the playground, I'll take a swig. And if not much is happening in Latin, I'll happily sink a box of wine, why not?"

However, teachers are up in arms about the new methods they must employ to keep their pupils' attention. Chemistry teacher Ellie Swanson told of her travails. "The only way in which I can keep them focused is by dressing up as a barman and pretending to listen to their problems. They're propped up on the laboratory benches, moaning about how the world's a lousy, stinking messed-up place. I have to then try and impart kinetic theory under the guise of worldly advice. Stuff like 'Sure pal, you've got problems but acid plus carbonate gives salt plus water plus carbon dioxide. That's all I'm saying.' I've got six classes through GCSE Chemistry that way."

The make-up of GCSEs will also be changed in light of the growing trend of drinking more than Russian sailors on leave in Dublin. Examiners are being urged to accept slurred writing and question papers folded up into paper aeroplanes. Chief examiner Reggie Blissett said, "We're not dumbing down our examinations. If you black out during the exam, the highest you can get is a B."