France and Germany come out of recession just to piss Britain off

It’s the economic miracle that few expected, a recovery that is faster than Cristiano Ronaldo’s after not getting a free kick. Germany and France have both reported strong economic growth which has been put down to a strong desire by both countries to show up Britain for the sherry-drinking, losing at every single game they invented, ain’t isn’t this all just a bit too quaint nabobs they know them to be. France’s economic minister Dominique Vache said, “I stick it to you English farthounds with your poor manufacturing industry coupled with a lax approach to financial regulation. Now I must go and smoke Gauloises with my outrageously sexy mistress.”

The reasons behind the Franco-German renaissance appear to be two-fold. The first is a commitment to supporting industries that have the promise of increasing exports. The other is the decision not to hand over money to the people who have the same familiarity with financial prudence as Paris Hilton has with modesty. German finance minister Miriam Meissner offered her approach to people working in the financial industry. “They’re all right guys but the love of god, don’t take your wallet into a meeting with them. And never, ever have a meal with them in a restaurant. Last time, I was left with the tab plus seven other tabs they’d accrued elsewhere.”

The triumphal spirit amongst the French and the Germans has spread to their general population with members of each of the countries keen to put Britain in its place. Kurt Wilhelmschaft was indicative of the ebullient mood felt by most Germans. “It’s so nice to feel pleasure due to the misery of others. If only us Germans had a word for it.”

Horror as Top Gear’s ‘Stig’ revealed to be “murderous arsonist”

After a period of intense speculation, Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson has revealed that the driver known as the Stig, is in fact a serial arsonist responsible for the deaths of up to forty-six people. The announcement came on Sunday’s edition of the program where the Stig was confronted with photographs showing him throwing a crudely made Molotov cocktail through the window of a home for the elderly. He was then pictured running away from the scene and ultimately giggling in a shed. Asked to explain his actions, the Stig replied simply, “I am who I am.”

The revelation prompted several complaints from irate viewers demanding that the Stig be sacked. Though these were subsequently withdrawn after Clarkson had assured fans that a lot of the people burnt to death had French-sounding names and that others had definitely been vegetarians. Though no stranger to controversy in the past, the BBC’s flagship motoring show has continued to entertain the nation with its characteristic combination of amusing stunts and good natured high jinks.

This year these have included an amusing review of the latest Range Rover, which revealed how eagerly the French had collaborated with the Nazis during the Second World War, entitled “An examination of why all French cars and people are rubbish.” The whimsical new title sequence showing a pair of actors dressed up like President Sarkozy and his wife being repeatedly mown down by a four-door Morris Marina has also proven very popular.

However, such japery has not been welcomed by all, and the most recent programme which featured Richard Hammond racing the latest Volkswagen beetle from Berlin to Paris against James May in a 1942 model Henschel & Sohn Waffen-SS Tiger MkII tank came under fire from a Maurice Gourdault-Montagne who phoned into Points of View calling himself the French Ambassador. “It was in very bad taste and should never have been given the go ahead,” said His Excellency, “though it was good that the Hamster won, ses cheveux sont très beaux et longs...”