Police and protesters to compromise on degree of beatings

New guidelines have been recommended for future protests so that those participating will know in advance about the leathering they are about to take from the police. The move is being undertaken in the wake of the G20 protests. The violence that erupted brought antagonism about the tactics that the police used which included kettling, excessive beatings and death being meted out. The report into the police tactics praised the police's conduct although did make the recommendation that less death should be used in future. Justice Haversham who oversaw the inquiry insisted that death should only used as a last resort.

Therefore in future, protesters and police will meet before any sort of protest to discuss the range of punishments open to those with a cause. Edward Tunton of the Stop Climate Change Coalition revealed the bartering process now in operation. “I went to the police station and said that I wanted to organise a protest, very peaceful and with no radical fringe groups present. And the policeman said 'Right, how's about a couple of kicks to the old nutsack?' I said I just wanted to protest and make my views clear but he wasn't having it. He said the lowest amount he could come down to was duffing me up with his baton. Eventually we settled on a couple of wallops to the noggin and a kick up the arse.”

Cohen's next target: bad sitcoms and their fans

His latest movie was a groundbreaking tour de force, which seemed to suggest that people working in fashion might be a bit deluded. Now, for his next project, Sacha Baron Cohen will use his satirical might to skewer those who are happy to watch average sitcoms. Cohen will travel the country before going to America after running out of ideas. Industry insiders are predicting the film to be a huge hit on the grounds that Cohen “is a lot smarter than other people and boy does he know it.”

Some advance footage has already been leaked on the net and features a rip-roaring exchange between Cohen and Benidorm fan Betty Forrester. Forrester was duped into appearing after thinking she was appearing on a channel 4 documentary, The 100 Best Ever Sitcoms Based In A Well-Known Spanish Resort. “I thought it would be one of those things presented by Jimmy Carr,” said Forrester, “but I thought something was up when he kept saying how bad the show was. I said ‘It’s not great but I like it’ and he just burst out laughing and kept saying ‘But it’s so terrible and you still watch it, you’re so stupid.’ He wouldn’t stop until I was crying. At that point he said cut and walked away.”

Another of Cohen’s victims was Simon Beaton who talked about his love of the often-maligned Two Pints of Lager and A Packet Of Crisps. Beaton admits the programme is not a work of genius but regularly tunes in on account of identifying with the characters. “I told this to the guy interviewing me,” said Beaton, “and he started laughing so hard that he was having trouble breathing. When I said that I found the stories to include a good mixture of humour and pathos, he got to giggling so much that he was in quite some pain.” The release date for the film is not known as Cohen is determined to find someone who actually likes My Family, which most comedy viewers agree on as being utter toilet.

World’s Lawyers “devastated” at Michael Jackson’s Passing

Tributes to Michael Jackson have been flooding in from law firms across the world, all praising the former pop star for the considerable amount of work he consistently put their way over the years. Herbert Dean of Weston, Blythe and Dean struggled to hold back the tears as he said, “To think that I'll never be able to see him again, to try not to laugh as I write down his version of events and say ‘Sure, sure, you just happened to be in bed with some children’ and never be able to send him an invoice for time spent on the toilet. I'm sorry, this is just all too draining. Financially I mean.”

Dubbed “The King of Pop” for his exploits in music, in the legal world he was known as “The High Priest of High Court Injunctions.” Jackson would attract a lawsuit at an average of one every twenty minutes. Due to having to give numerous depositions whilst recording his music, he would often become confused as to where he was and what he was supposed to be saying. The little known result of this was that the popular song Billie Jean had originally been given in response to a subpoena for an unpaid parking ticket.

Jackson's unerring ability to be sued over completely baseless allegations that would somehow keep returning, earned the admiration and salaries of many a legal firm. Christine Holmes senior litigator at Earth, Wind and Fire said, “That man put my kids through college and supported my two grand a day coke habit. He wasn't just there for me when everyone was doing it and the price fell. I mean during the 80s when it was pretty exclusive and you had to pay through the nose for it. And then put it up your nose.”

The world’s press is also grieving Jackson’s loss, even in the UK, where the papers are hardly famed for looking kindly on individuals who share what was Mr Jackson’s most persistently legally inconvenient “hobby.” The head of the United Kingdom's consular office in Los Angeles, when asked to explain this staggering volte-face on the part of the British media, replied, "Well, it probably wouldn't be fair to put the onus of responsibility entirely on the sunshine, apportioning blame should neither necessarily be placed exclusively on the moonlight..."