Robbie Williams' next album to be the last fuelled by hatred of Gary Barlow

Robbie Williams is back. After three years of cultivating facial hair that only a leper colony could love and time spent chasing the UFOs that only seem to appear to mad people, the fat dancer from Take That makes his return. His new album is released next month and is rumoured to be based around world events and ruminations on pretty girls rather than why Gary Barlow is no-talent jarhead who is really jealous of Robbie because he got to do it with which ever one of the Appleton sisters from All Saints was available.

The feud between the two reached epic heights when Barlow hit back at Robbie in a song called Everyone Knows That It's Guy Chambers Who Does All The Work. In response to this, Williams decided that enough was enough and he deserved to have his say through song. Now writing without Chambers, Williams came up with the reggae smash Mr Smelly, which featured the lyrics "Mr Smelly, that's Gary Barlow/He's so fat, he flies in cargo". The single failed to chart and was panned across by most five year olds who make up the majority of Williams's fans.

Williams now insists that he is a changed man. "I've matured as a person, I've really grown up and I'm no longer addicted to painkillers, cocaine, heroin, iron railings, shoe polish, remote controls and chicken jalfrezi. I no longer touch bike pumps, orange squash, pencil sharpeners and Now That's What I Call Music 48. I know that I'll always be an addict but if I can just stay off acid, Vicodin, the poetry of Erza Pound, mops plus all that stuff I mentioned earlier, I know I'll stay happy. Although I could really do with some crack."