Zombies in failed coup against King of the Undead

A cabal of zombies has failed in its attempt to topple their leader, claiming that it was vital in order to prepare for the upcoming war against the vampires. Patricia Hewitt, a maggot-infested monster who has been roaming the Earth for eight thousand years, claimed that the King of the Undead was unfit to lead his armies into battle. "It's just an embarrassing situation," groaned Hewitt, "we all have flesh peeling off us but in order to secure victory against the vampires, we need someone who isn't just a mess of gibbering organs."

However, Hewitt's attempt to unseat the leader was cut off as the King's supporters came together to show their support. The king's financial adviser released a statement which read, "Dur, nur, grrrrr, full backing, dur, grrr, looking forward, venuh, blur, durr, dealing with the issues of today." The minister for zombie welfare was unable to comment due to feasting on brains.

But despite the failed coup, the move has raised the spirits of the Vampire hoardes. The confidence of the creatures of the night has been low after they revealed plans to bring in the private sector to increase blood sucking. But the news of the unsettled zombie army has brought a boost in their intent. "Surely now the night will draw in and our fangs will pierce the rancid necks of the undead," said a party aide.

Asked to comment on who out of the zombies or vampires will reign victorious, a member of the public replied, "Why can't they just sort out the f**king economy? Rather than this prancing around in fancy dress."

State handouts to deceased slammed: zombies claim discrimination

Bankers across the country were thanking their lucky stars today following a series of embarrassing fiscal revelations at the government’s expense. Not content with buying up toxic debt, it appears that treasury finance chiefs have been making sizeable payments to individuals whose health had “severely waned”. An opposition spokesperson has been quoted as saying that “government policy on job seeker’s allowance and housing benefit was misguided enough, but no rationale whatsoever could be put forward for providing, say, income support to the recently deceased.”

A spokesperson for the dead defended the distributed funds, claiming it was necessary due to the high cost of living faced by the departed. “It’s a nightmare,” said Victor Sparrow through a medium based on the Tottenham Court Road, “people think it’s all ambrosia and clouds but it’s not. You've got to find money for food, transport and heating. I mean, it’s freezing down here in the barren wastelands of eternity. All we are demanding is a bit of money to help cushion ourselves from an unending cycle of torment.”

The government has tried to reclaim some of the money but has run into problems when trying to contact the claimants’ relatives. Cheryl Anderson, a civil servant in the Department for Work and Pensions said, “When you phone people up, they just claim that they’ve never heard of their own dad. It’s pretty stupid.”