Fury as BA strike condemns millions to spend Christmas in UK

The decision of British Airways staff to strike over Christmas will leave millions in front of crap television and dull weather, customers claim. The airline is facing a deluge of complaints as irate customers face missing out on holidays in Mauritius, Paris and New York, leaving them stuck in Carlisle, Doncaster and even some parts of Wales.

BA customer Richard Marland had two weeks planned in Madrid but will now be spending Christmas in a suburb of York. "I had it all figured," said Marland, "I was going to party non-stop. Women, drugs and booze going in any orifice I could find. All I'm left with now is hoping that the boiler won't break down. And that my parents forget where I live."

Some of British Airways' customers are hoping that there will be a breakthrough in talks between the union and the airline. Carol Bingham, a mother of four hoping to get away from burnt turkey and a deluge of films they've already seen on DVD said, "They've just get to reach an agreement. I've worked all year to fund this trip to America as it is the one place I know I won't hear that f**king Slade. If the two sides don't settle, I'll have to stuff my ears with their internal organs."

The possibility of remaining in the United Kingdom is taking its toll on those waiting at airports around the country. One man was seen at Heathrow rocking backwards and forwards, simply repeating, "French and Saunders, I just know they'll show French and Saunders."

Postal strike to leave millions stranded without junk mail

The members of the postal union CWU have voted for industrial action by a majority of 3-1. The irony of postal workers deciding to take any sort of action seems to have been lost on at least 75% of those voting. The ramifications of this vote mean that the country will have to go for long stretches of time without important documents that they could easily get by email.

Sales worker Ellen Hutt said, "I'm devastated. Where am I going to get my bank records? Oh wait, they're all online. I'll just Skype my landlord to let him know that his rent will be on its way."

But for those people who are so lonely that junk mail is their only communication with the outside world, the results could be devastating. Secretary Pam Finesse is anxious about missing out on letters that advertise crap she does not need. "I just love getting a message about loans that I would never ever take in a million years. I'm very happy with my phone company but it's just nice to know that there is another one offering outstanding rates."

Civil servant Gordon Bloom describes the levels of desperation reached after a period without any mail. "There was a man pushing Indian takeaway menus through the door. I ran outside, hugged him tightly and said, 'You're a hero young man'. He then ran off before calling me a freak from the end of the road."