Chelsea left reliant on something called 'tactics'

The world of Chelsea Football Club has been turned upside down with the news that they are to be banned from splurging out monstrous sums equivalent to a Third World nation's debt. The ban is a result of encouraging a 17-year old youngster to break his contract on the promise of cheap cider and a go at steering Chairman Roman Abramovich's yacht. Head of recruitment Frank Arnesen was astounded by the news. "I honestly didn't think it was a bad thing to break a contract," said Arnesen, looking around nervously for any sign of Russian henchmen in the vicinity, "I've done it loads of times. Contracts are like houses. If you don't like them, set fire to them and walk away to a better one."

The ruling means that Chelsea are unable to buy any new players until 2011 leading to a massive drop in confidence within the squad. Training has been a nightmare with players confused as to how to win matches without spending £80,000 each time someone takes a corner. Head coach Carlo Ancelotti tells of his frustration at trying to get his instructions across. "I say to Frank Lampard 'Cross the ball into the box' and he says 'All right then. Fifty quid.' I try to explain to him that crossing is his job and he moans 'Can't we just buy someone to do instead? I'm tired.' Then there's Didier Drogba who keeps on missing the ball. I asked him why he was doing it and he just says 'I thought Cristiano Ronaldo was going to hit it.' I try to explain that Ronaldo doesn't play for us. He sighs and says 'Well then just buy him then.'"