Hell reports slight drop in temperature

Chancellor of the Exchequer and Office Support Manager to the Underworld, Alistair Darling, has announced that sulphurous chambers of hell are slightly cooler than usual. The last year has seen the fiery pits of eternal damnation maintain a consistent temperature of insufferable ranging to face-meltingly hot. Yet Darling is confident that measures put in by the government will see the temperature continue to fall from a blistering one million degrees to a balmy nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety eight. "And that's Fahrenheit!" exclaimed Darling, applying some salve to a particularly charred hand.

The news will come as some relief to those who have seen their homes and businesses swallowed up by the raging inferno. Bob Tickoff, whose central heating supply went under last year, is confident of a pick-up in business in the new year. "There's always money in central heating," said Tickoff, "even if you are surrounded by insufferable heat for the rest of eternity. I know things are looking bad at the moment but once the temperature of hell reaches a frosty nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and seventy degrees, I'll be laughing."