TV to be turned into one long advert

Product placement will be allowed on British programmes under new regulations that ensure that viewers won't go two seconds without missing a plug for hoovers. The new move will calm audiences that are confused by nature documentaries that feature frogs, rabbits and bears who are refuse to sing about chocolate, beer and pensions. Concerned parent Dominic Briers said, "I mean those things are just sitting there, eating, burping and licking themselves. My children come up and ask me why the monkeys aren't dancing in a synchronised formation to a catchy tune. Like they do in real life. I feel like going ahead and cancelling my order for a zebra right now."

Television chiefs have been quick to point out that any product placement that goes on will sensitively handled and in keeping with the content of the programme. The first product that will be showcased is Rustles Horse Manure which will feature in Katie Price's What Katie Did Next. A spokesperson for the dung said "It's a win-win situation for both of us. You've got a barrel load of the most pungent, foul-smelling, fetid crap you could ever imagine and Rustles Horse Manure. You couldn't think of a better combination. Well, other than Hollyoaks and Kleenex have already nabbed that one."