Policewomen asked to arrest themselves

One of the country's biggest crackdowns on potential child cruelty has resulted in an entire police squadron arresting themselves. Eight constables and six detectives stormed their own houses and wrestled themselves to the ground before leading themselves away to their own car. "The whole operation has been a massive success," said Constable Ruth Williams, "but I haven't got one single piece of evidence against me. I'm innocent and until I make myself confess to myself, I ain't got nothing. So suck it pig."

There have been accusations that the police were heavy-handed in their approach to themselves but the Thames Valley Police force have been quick to deny any wrongdoing to themselves. "We were very thorough and very fair in the treatment that we took to ourselves," said Detective Anne Barnett, sporting two black eyes, a broken ankle and a distinct lack of arms.

The operation was put together after it emerged that several policewomen were looking after each other's children for more than two hours, resulting in immediate suspicion of rampant child molestation. Those wishing to look after children for more than two hours must register as childminders and complete an extensive course in how not to be a paedophile.

The course covers all aspects of how not to have sex with children. Course attendee Mike Wallace spoke about his progress. "I've been through not having sex with children in a car. I did really well on the not having sex with children whilst on a day out at the zoo and I'm pretty hopeful about getting through the next part which is about not having sex with children in the Greater Manchester area." Asked to give his opinion on the general helpfulness of the course, Wallace replied, "It really is f**king retarded."