England ecstatic about being the next British team to lose in South Africa

On a warm September night, the English football team put their Euro 2008 heartache behind them to ensure they would be next in a long line of British sporting teams to be beaten by a overwhelming superior side in South Africa. Captain John Terry could not contain his delight at the prospect of joining the rugby and cricket teams that have had fallen before. "The Lions pioneered the tradition of glorious failure and the cricket team are about to run into the best team in the world right now. So it's spankings a go-go for them. We just hope we can emulate their complete lack of any kind of success." Double goal scorer Steven Gerrard also invited the nation to dream, saying, "This will basically be a cheap holiday for me and the wife."

Tabloid expectation is also simmering nicely, hopefully coming to the boil some time in June. Darren Sozzled, the chief football writer for The Daily You Ain't From Around Here, Are You? previews England's chances. "Basically, they're the perfect team. They've got everything covered in all areas. Well, apart from goalkeeper. And right back's a bit of an issue. Plus the two central defenders aren't what you'd call world class and are a bit of a liability against top teams. Plus we're reliant on one or two players and we've got a centre forward who is less reliable than a personal loan company fronted by Carol Vorderman. But other than that, we're pretty much there."