Captain of the Titanic, Alistair Darling, has put forward a comprehensive plan in order to stave of what he has called “our relative downsizing in the middle of an aquatic environment.” Speaking at a seven degree incline, Captain Darling announced the ways in which he plans to stop water lapping around his feet and mackerel from getting in the drinks mixers. “This is a ship that faces a positive future. I predict that although the hull will sink another metre in the coming hour, I am certain that it will come back up again by three and a half metres in the hour after that. Hulls have a habit of doing that you know”Captain Darling has rebutted criticism of his handling of the ship, saying, “No-one could have foreseen a giant iceberg in the middle of the ocean. Even though we were told there were icebergs ahead of us and several people pointed it out to me, it is very difficult to pick up a large white object against a night sky, which may or may not be completely black.”
Further proposals to stop the sinking of the ship include making sure all the curtains are shut, extra waltzes and asking the orchestra to play an octave higher.
