In a rare display of blatant hypocrisy, the Catholic Church today gave the gay community a bit of a breather by focusing its rage on anyone with more than a fiver in their pocket.Despite being adorned in a gilded outfit, clutching a solid gold papal artifact, and sporting a brand new pair of Nike Airs, the Pope wailed on the various capitalist markets around the world for ‘something to do with a credit crump’. He added that he ‘can’t see what all the fuss is about’, indicating that his savings have been neatly tucked under his mattress for the last ten years now, and he’s never had a problem with that.
He assured that the continuing financial turmoil will have little effect on current Christian traditions and families struggling to make ends meet will still be expected to find hard currency for the collection plate. ‘Do I look like a sodding charity?’ asked the Pope, claiming that with winter approaching, ‘this Vatican isn’t going to heat itself’.
He went on to say that “God’s word is the only veritable reality to build on”, despite press releases of his statement being dispatched with this sentence tippexed out once it became clear that extra, previously unseen pages of the bible had only recently appeared in a Greek monastery.
These new pages and revelations are expected to feature as downloadable content or DVD extras for all members of ‘the Church’. However, many followers of the popular hobby are in uproar as the new tales do provide a completely new back-story to one of the bibles longest standing characters, ‘the Jews’.
Speaking to the bishops assembled at the Vatican for his short address, the Pope was then bustled off the podium to spend the rest of the day preaching to choirs. One of his carers, affectionately known as ‘cardinals’, approached the microphone to add a closing comment; ‘Resistance is futile’.
