MPs to reject report which claims they are utter shits

The auditor looking into the legitimacy of MPs expenses has compiled his report and the picture he has drawn is much the same as a seven year old's attempt to capture the Cornwall countryside; not pretty. Sir Thomas Legg's findings will show that a small minority of MPs are not taking advantage of their role as representatives of the people. However, the rest are the worst kind of scumbags known to humanity whose self-inflated sense of importance allows them to gorge on expenses because they feel they can pride themselves on twelve solid years of helping the country to go down the toilet.

But given that a large majority are contemptible jackasses whose only real talent is implementing mediocrity on a nationwide scale, most MPs are set to reject Legg's findings in order to keep themselves in gold-plated everything.

Ann Widdicombe, Conservative MP feels that she has done nothing wrong. "I have acted within the rules the entire time. Within the rules that I created obviously, which means that I decide what's right and wrong. So if I choose to be wrong, I will be. But I won't because I'm great."

Many of the MPs feel that the expenses are necessary for their work. John Mann, Labour MP, is insistent that they are required. "I have an exceptionally hard job to do and these expenses allow me to do that job. A job that requires not implementing regulation for the banking sector leading to the biggest recession ever seen in the Western world. A job that goes a long way to increasing the gap between rich and poor, leading to a more unequal society and a job that requires the continued loss of civil liberties. Which is why I need a swimming pool the size of Carlisle. In each wing. In each of my houses."