Economists face their longest ever stretch of being wrong

The country is still in recession with with no-one sure about where the next pound will show up. And now, newly released figures showing that Britain is facing a long stretch of having no economists who know what they are f**king talking about. The period of having to suffer thick-brained experts who have the temerity to call themselves doctors could be the longest in the country's history.

Rob Logan, a civil servant working under Chancellor Alistair Darling, despaired at the lack of any kind of economic expert in the country. "I had one in the other day from Manchester University. He promised the recession would soon be over. I asked him how he knew. He said the elf choir that live in the custard tree had promised it. I asked him to show me the proof but he had forgotten which plastic bag his papers were in. Incredible. I had to pay five grand for that."

Economists are quick to defend their theories and are keen to stress that the recession will be over soon. Professor Edward Quinlack of the Ersatz Institute of Academia has given his approval to economic growth. "If my theories are correct, we should see unparalled growth in every sector that it is left in the year. This is because the moon is crying and the half-pig man will shortly be married to the elventh son of the blossom king. And if that doesn't produce economic growth, I don't know what will. Now I'd like twenty grand please."