It's week 4 and the nerves are beginning to show. Who will be the first to crack? Who will fall and be consigned to walk the open mike circuit in pubs across the country until they get a real job? Who will be the first to show one ounce of charisma, making them totally unsuitable for warbling the emotionally manipulative pap the eventual winner will be forced to churn out for eons? The Chum Bucket looks at the runners and riders of the show that defies description. Other than "A show that showcases braindead cretins who are judged by cash-hungry whores, which is watched by fuckwits." Good times!
Up first it's those loveable twins John and Edward Grimes have been described as talentless, unable to sing and are destroying the credibility of the show. Which is saying something for a show dogged by vote rigging, psychological torture of its contestants and featuring Dannii Minouge as a judge for good singing. But these spritely young fellows have a lot on their side. The fact that objective analysis is a stranger to the voting public. Robert Lister, a truck driver from Norwich said, "I just do whatever annoys Simon Cowell, that'll show the big fat money maker, making money from all the calls I'm making and giving him money."
Next is the guy with the big hair, Frank or Worrell or something. Judge Cheryl Cole speaks very highly of him or him or whoever it is. "Dennis or Shane or something has got that special something. It's niceness or pleasantness or inoffensiveness or possibly something that I just can't put my finger on. If Nigel or Sarah or Lizzie can win over the hearts of the people, he's got every chance of winning. Or losing. I just don't know. Don't ask me, I'm too pretty to talk."
Then there is some other guy or a girl or a horse or a cabinet full of jelly or some 17-year old from stage school who'll cry or some stuff like that. For f**ks sake, whatever happened to this country? We used to produce rock stars like Mick Jagger, Keith Moon and David Bowie, people who took music and infused it with soul, purpose and passion. Now? Now we're just left with a bunch of prissy, no-talent, karoake-singing bums who just stand there, showing no kind of - [Ed - and we'll leave it there. The Chum Bucket blogger will be taking a period of extended leave. Happy Halloween everyone!]
