The News of the World is coming under increasing pressure to explain its continued output of bunkum, despite having access to prominent people’s phone calls. Though the newspaper had tapped into the phones of John Prescott, Elle MacPherson, Gordon Taylor and other public figures, they were only been able to come up with such “exclusives” as “Prescott: My Pie Hell” and “Boobs are nice”. Journalist Mike Hack offered an apology to the newspaper’s readers, insisting that they had deserved more given the illegal underhand tactics used. “You would’ve expected us to come up with some really juicy stuff given that we’ve been invading privacy like British tourists invade the Costa del Sol. But we’ve failed. We’re a disgrace to lowlife journoscum.”
The scheme perpetrated by the newspaper could potentially involve hundreds of ministers, celebrities and other officials. One such person being Boris Johnson who posed numerous problems for those listening in on his phone calls. An anonymous reporter described his difficulties at trying to understand what the hell the Mayor of London was saying. “It took him about an hour just to complete a sentence. It was full of ‘Y’know’s’ and ‘Ah, looks like I’ve got myself into a bit of a tither here.’
“I ended up shouting ‘Just try and go two seconds without saying Gosh!’ down the line. He overheard me and was a bit shocked at what I was up to. Thankfully I had my wits about me and reassured him it was just a crossed line, and he carried on oblivious about owing somebody called Asclepius a bit of cock action. But this turned out to be not quite as juicy as we had initially hoped.”
Another public figure outraged at the scandal is Lewis Hamilton, who is furious that his phone calls are not being tapped in any way whatsoever. “Look, I’m a celebrity, the Formula One world champion and have got the second fittest bird in the Pussycat Dolls for a girlfriend,” moaned Hamilton, “Why don’t people want to listen to what I’ve got to say?” Asked to explain their omission, the News of the World replied, “’Cos Hamilton is just such a boring wankstain. Fact.”
The scheme perpetrated by the newspaper could potentially involve hundreds of ministers, celebrities and other officials. One such person being Boris Johnson who posed numerous problems for those listening in on his phone calls. An anonymous reporter described his difficulties at trying to understand what the hell the Mayor of London was saying. “It took him about an hour just to complete a sentence. It was full of ‘Y’know’s’ and ‘Ah, looks like I’ve got myself into a bit of a tither here.’“I ended up shouting ‘Just try and go two seconds without saying Gosh!’ down the line. He overheard me and was a bit shocked at what I was up to. Thankfully I had my wits about me and reassured him it was just a crossed line, and he carried on oblivious about owing somebody called Asclepius a bit of cock action. But this turned out to be not quite as juicy as we had initially hoped.”
Another public figure outraged at the scandal is Lewis Hamilton, who is furious that his phone calls are not being tapped in any way whatsoever. “Look, I’m a celebrity, the Formula One world champion and have got the second fittest bird in the Pussycat Dolls for a girlfriend,” moaned Hamilton, “Why don’t people want to listen to what I’ve got to say?” Asked to explain their omission, the News of the World replied, “’Cos Hamilton is just such a boring wankstain. Fact.”
