English cricket is facing a much more sober future with the news that Andrew Flintoff will be retiring his liver at the end of the current Ashes series. The all-round cricketer and all-night drinker made the decision after realising his organ could no longer keep up with the demands of Test match drinking. Flintoff made his announcement outside the Lumpy Dragon pub where the England team has been preparing their latest ding-dong with the Aussies. “It was time to listen to my body and to acknowledge the incessant shrieks of pain coming from the abdominal area. I’ve always tried to be the model professional but when you can no longer neck a bottle of sherry without blacking out, it’s time to call it a day.”
Flintoff is one of England’s great drinkers, responsible for 32,015 units taken in international drinking. He announced his arrival on the scene with an astonishing 207 not pissed at the famous Gabba ground in Brisbane. “It was a devastating display of drinking,” recalls Reg Yorker, the cricket “expert” for the Chum Bucket, “they were throwing everything at him: snakebite, rum, meths and full-length yards of ale. But he just kept on downing the lot.”
Flintoff’s decision to retire his liver leaves a big hole in England’s drinking side. Captain Andrew Strauss is willing to try and exceed his usual bottle of wine with dinner but problems remain elsewhere. Paul Collingwood is good for a couple of pints before getting a bit lairy whilst Jimmy Anderson falls over after the smallest whiff of shandy. When Flintoff was asked about how he’ll replace his liver after its retirement, he said, “I’m having an operation to put a sponge in there. That way, I can just unzip my chest and wring the booze out. Result.”
