A report into the policing of the G20 protests has recommended that no future protests should be arranged for fear of encouraging police to get stuck in. Head of the commission, Douglas Runesmith, insisted that the decision was being made to ensure public safety, saying that it was impossible to contain the feral brutes that make up the Metropolitan Police. “These guys are monsters. If they even see just a hint of placard, they go off their nut. We had a surprise birthday party for one of them last week. In he comes, sees the banner we’ve put up and bosh, he takes out three people before putting his own granny in a coma.”
The report looked at several aspects of police tactics used at the protests. The most notorious of these was ‘kettling,’ a tactic in which protestors are given a kettle of boiling hot water and asked to pour it over themselves. Runesmith insisted that this method of policing would not be used in future. However, he was coy about the potential continued use of repeated beatings for people lying defenceless on the floor, and those members of the public who pose a threat to national security by asking questions like, “Excuse me Officer, are you sure you’re allowed to do this?” Speaking with a glint in his eye, Runesmith said, “Well? Never say never...”
Asked if his recommendation was simply a way of ensuring that protests do not go ahead, unless of course they’re being carried out by Tamils in Parliament Square so politicians are inclined not to curtail police powers, Runesmith replied, “And what are you going to do about it if it is, Sunshine? Have yourself a little protest? I’ve got a can of Mace here that says you won’t.”
