The football world is in shock after learning that Manchester United are the latest in a long line of clubs to fall for one of the oldest tricks in the book: signing Michael Owen. The Police Fraud Office have frequently warned clubs about handing over money to the 29 year-old, on account of his habit of taking the money and then lying on the floor for three years saying, “I’ve got a sore everything.” One such victim, a Mr. Ashley of Newcastle, recalls, “He said he would score so many goals that it would be an affront to God. But it turned out all we got was an affront to the concept of hard work and money being properly earned.”
The complicated confidence scam involves Owen turning up at a football club’s gift shop and getting a shirt printed with his name on the back. Wearing this, he will wander around until someone recognises him as “that bloke what scored that amazing goal against the Argies in ’98.” It is then only a matter of time before a director assumes that he is already playing for their club, and ends up handing over a new contract to the tune of £100,000 a week. Rumours abound that Owen learned this technique off his old Liverpool teammate Robbie Fowler.
Owen himself, however, is very pleased with his new set of surroundings. “It really is the pinnacle of any player’s career to be injured at Manchester United. They have had so many great players and I really am very excited about looking at their pictures on the wall whilst I’m getting treatment for chapped lips.” Asked to reassure his new fans about his long-term fitness, Owen said, “Er, yeah, sure. Why not? I’m getting a prosthetic foot after the last one dropped off. But once that’s glued on, who knows?”
