Newcastle is a city renowned for spunking money up the wall. It is either done by lager-swilling overeaters on teams full of overpriced football players, or, by the overpriced football players themselves in nightclubs that wouldn’t look out of place in Kabul. Following this trend, scientists at Newcastle University have this week achieved synergy, by creating human sperm cells from tiny bits of baby and then spunking that up the wall instead.Currently only used for spilling on the trousers of colleagues in cruel practical jokes, the research team have promised that once they exhaust the humour value of throwing factory-fresh baby-gravy at their Lab assistant, they will find something useful to do with it. Honest. Like make an entire gender obsolete. Scientists have advised those tempted to play around with sperm that it does not in fact make an adequate replacement for hair gel. Professor Biker Grove gravely warned, “I was watching that There’s Something About Mary and thought that that bit with the sperm as hair gel might just work. It turns out that you just give yourself really smelly hair. This is the kind of serious research we’ve been conducting here.”
However, the recent breakthroughs in population-porridge studies have not been greeted with unqualified enthusiasm throughout the University. Hugh Chillblain, the head of the demographic ethics department struck a cautious note at the prospect of men becoming redundant, “Sure, everyone knows women are clearly the superior gender. Have you seen this month’s Razzle? But it’s these useless men competing against each other, to get their hands on totty, that have created all the trappings of civilization.
“Our projections have shown that a world without men would certainly be a more peaceful place, but we’ve also conclusively proven that within 3 years each household will need its own personal Ray Mears. And anyway what’s the point? It’s not like there’s a shortage of the stuff; my wife and I have three teenage sons, you know. The only thing we could use more of is shares in Persil.”
