Tiger Woods' midlife crisis as boring as expected

The current scandal surrounding golfer Tiger Woods is exactly as dull as expected, claim experts. Woods has been involved in a minor car outside his house and is currently denying having affairs with two women who are both just averagely good looking. Relationship expert Ruth Varnish gave her opinion on the tedious shenanigans. "When most men hit their mid-thirties, they go a phase of worrying that they have lost their youth. They do things like buy fast cars, date younger women and do stuff like bungee jumping. What we're seeing from Woods is basically a really boring version of this."

Woods has always maintained a steady lifestyle. His idea of danger is not washing an apple before he eats it. And his moderate manner of messing up is entirely in keeping with his public image, something that his fans appreciate. Eric Newby, a golfing fan from Salt Lake City, said, "I went through a similar phase myself when I hit thirty-six. I just felt that I had lost my vigour and so I went on an eight day meths bender, during which time I destroyed two acres worth of corn and danced naked at an ice hockey game, inviting the players to shove the puck where the sun don't shine.

"I also put two bishops in hospital and ended up becoming a chief of a lost Amazonian tribe. So to see Tiger just crash his car and get off with two women who are both about a seven, it makes you feel good about the world."