Channel 4 to cut back on talentless freaks

For years Channel 4 has been seen as a refuge for the deluded, the hopeless and the kind of people that others would not only cross the road to avoid but would consider remaining in the road in the face of oncoming traffic if it meant they didn't have to live in a world populated by these types of cretins. But in the face of the economic downturn, the station has announced that it will be letting the majority of its dimwits go. And it is the groundbreaking reality television show Big Brother that will be hardest hit. The station has said that it will only be looking to take on twelve new oxygen thieves in the coming year before refusing all future applications.

Channel 4 commissioner Eric Bleasdale spoke of the anguish he felt when delivering the news to the fuckwits. "It was a really hard thing to do," said Bleasdale, "first of all they find it very hard to concentrate for more than five seconds and were forever wandering off and chasing birds. And then when I had finally got them all sat down, I had to look them in the eye and say that we would be making extreme cutbacks. I then had to explain what extreme meant, what cutbacks meant and then repeat what extreme meant again."

The culling of the divs is emblematic of the spectre of unemployment that is haunting the country. Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoke of his disappointment at the news. "You know things are in a bad way when not even retarded page 3 wannabes are able to get work." The frustration at Big Brother's cancellation has been hard for many to take. Aspiring contestant Michael Deadwood said, "All that time I spent preparing for my audition, standing in my garden just randomly shouting at things. It's all been for nothing."