Train Robber Ronnie Biggs’ release from prison delayed due to leaves on the line

Ronnie Biggs, the infamous Train Robber, will be forced to wait for up to three hours on a platform as part of his release from jail. The move is an ironic twist to placate those who believe that he should be left behind bars. Prison chief Alan Cutlet said, “We felt that this was the best excuse to give so that we could leave him hanging. We were going to go with it being the wrong kind of snow but given that’s it August, we would just have been taking the piss.” As part of his release, Biggs will have to change at least three times and taking two bus replacement services.

The Ticketholders Union against Mismanagement and Muddled Yammering is delighted about the treatment meted out to the former criminal. TUMMY spokesman Ralf Burnside said, “TUMMY is tickled pink about this. Us train users have had enough to put up with over the years. Massive fare increases, delayed trains and pathetic excuses. The last thing you need on the 0945 to Doncaster is someone holding up the train and casing the joint. I hope he spends the rest of his life having to eat Virgin Rail sandwiches.”