Shock as England finally win at game that they invented

It is the victory that has turned the sporting world on its head. Usually England is famous for capitulating in sporting contests the first time they have taught the other country the rules. But their Ashes victory has provided a reverse in the well-established trend. In recent years, the country has been beaten by the Netherlands in cricket, pounded by South Africa at rugby and denied a place in football’s Euro 2008 by Croatia, a country that only came into existence in 1991, making it a younger country than Disneyland.

Reg Yorker, the cricket “expert” for the Chum Bucket, gave his views on why the side were able to reverse their cricketing fortunes. “For me, it was all about the pitch. It was a monster of a wicket. It turned, it spat and it vomited into the corner. No side wants to be playing on that.” Asked if England could retain the Ashes when they travel to Australia in eighteen months time, Yorker was confident. “Absolutely, I am certain we can win. Although I did say that in 2005 and we were stuffed 5-0.”

Meanwhile, the England team have been warned that the country is still in a recession and that their celebrations should not be too ostentatious. In 2005, the team were driven round in golden chariots whilst angels showered them with rubies and emeralds. But the side’s captain Andrew Strauss is now planning a party more in keeping with the economic downturn. “We’ve booked out a park bench in Leytonstone,” said Strauss, “Matt Prior’s going to bring along a couple of boxes of wine whilst Cook is trying to see if he can find any cocktail sausages that have been reduced to clear. Top times!”