Pope Benedict XVI has caused an international furore during his trip to the Middle East after commenting that the Holy Land “isn’t that special and could do with a bit of tarting up.” He also went on to say that in a sanctity contest the Vatican would “dick all over the Holy Land.” Asked to explain his comments, his Holiness replied, “Well it’s obvious, innit? Over at the Vatican, you’ve got crosses, altars and stained glass windows. Here, you’ve got a stable and a mangy donkey. That’s no holy site, it’s a case for the RSPCA. And if this gaff is so holy, how come they ain’t got no frescos? Are you seriously trying to tell me that this is a holy place without no frescos? Do me a favour.”Criticism of the Pope’s comments came quickly in the form of prominent Israeli figures quick to defend the prestige of Bethlehem and the honour of the maligned donkey. “That donkey is not mangy,” said President Shimon Peres, “he’s just been sleeping badly for the past couple of days. And another thing, he’s a hell of a lot more holy than that religious theme park he’s got in Rome. I went there once and parking was a nightmare. I had to queue for two hours to get to the toilets, they ran out of communion wafers halfway through the service and they forgot the words to the mass. You could see them just making it up as they went along. ‘Blessed be the tops on biros?’ Mental. As for the frescos? I’ve seen a lot better.”
Pope Benedict’s visit to the Middle East had been seen as an attempt at forging closer links with other faiths. In one way he has succeeded in bringing other religions together. At an inter-faith meeting attended by Jews, Muslims, the British National Party, Scientologists and Goldilocks, all were in complete agreement that the pontiff was “a spanner of the highest order.”
