Noel’s walkout leaves Oasis with just one chord

The future of Oasis is looking exceptionally bleak after the departure of lead plagiarist Noel Gallagher. The elder of the Gallagher brothers stormed out before the band’s performance at the V festival, claiming that he could no longer pass off other people’s music as his own in conjunction with his brother. “It’s right fooking distracting,” said Noel, “I’m in the studio, trying to figure out a Kinks chord progression and in comes Liam with some song that he’s written. I tell him that you can’t rhyme car with elephant and he puts his head through the speakers.”

The group are vowing to press on with the rest of their dates even though they are now down to a single chord. Gem Archer, who performs back-up cribbing in the band, was determined to make the best of a bad situation. “It’s obviously a terrible situation. That bastard Noel has taken two out of the three chords we knew and I’m buggered if I can come up with any more. But if it means we’ll play every single song on C, we’ll do it. I mean, who’s going to know?” The bassist Andy Bell gave his reaction to the devastating news saying, “I’m the bassist.”

China's iPhones will be able to censor their users

China has finally made the breakthrough that the rest of the world achieved many years ago: complete subservience to technology. The Apple Corporation have struck a deal with one of China's biggest phone companies to ensure that an entire nation will be forever showing off how much their new gadget is able to substitute for their own cerebral processes. Ru Chen, an excited new user said, "It's great. Before I had to use my brain and deep thought to do things like read maps and perform mental arithmetic. But now that's all been taken away from me. Result!"

The Chinese iPhone will come with an inbuilt application that will be able to monitor users' calls, messages and thoughts. The application will be able to pick up on any criticism of the government and its policies. Anything resembling dissent will result in immediate blanking of the words used, which has resulted in some unfortunate messages. Sun Mao relays his own personal story of misinformation. "I sent a text to a friend saying 'I had to work late for the government. Real suck. Just doing this job for the money'. I found out it was edited to 'I had to suck for money'. Although my mate did then text back offering to take me to this club he knows."

Channel 4 to cut back on talentless freaks

For years Channel 4 has been seen as a refuge for the deluded, the hopeless and the kind of people that others would not only cross the road to avoid but would consider remaining in the road in the face of oncoming traffic if it meant they didn't have to live in a world populated by these types of cretins. But in the face of the economic downturn, the station has announced that it will be letting the majority of its dimwits go. And it is the groundbreaking reality television show Big Brother that will be hardest hit. The station has said that it will only be looking to take on twelve new oxygen thieves in the coming year before refusing all future applications.

Channel 4 commissioner Eric Bleasdale spoke of the anguish he felt when delivering the news to the fuckwits. "It was a really hard thing to do," said Bleasdale, "first of all they find it very hard to concentrate for more than five seconds and were forever wandering off and chasing birds. And then when I had finally got them all sat down, I had to look them in the eye and say that we would be making extreme cutbacks. I then had to explain what extreme meant, what cutbacks meant and then repeat what extreme meant again."

The culling of the divs is emblematic of the spectre of unemployment that is haunting the country. Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoke of his disappointment at the news. "You know things are in a bad way when not even retarded page 3 wannabes are able to get work." The frustration at Big Brother's cancellation has been hard for many to take. Aspiring contestant Michael Deadwood said, "All that time I spent preparing for my audition, standing in my garden just randomly shouting at things. It's all been for nothing."

Ban legal highs say organised crime

The government are set to announce a £100 million investment in drug dealers and seedy elements of society, ministers claim. The money is set to come from banning legal highs such as GBL and Spice, which should see people making the switch from taxable quality-controlled produce to a mixture of sawdust and bleach that even Peaches Geldof would think twice about shoving up her hooter. Shoreditch-based dealer Alec Tremain was delighted about the move. "It's only right. Those people are being taxed on what they are buying and that money is going to fund schools and nurses. Now all that revenue is coming to me: someone who contributes absolutely nothing to society."

The decision is seen a double win for the government as not only are they kow-towing to the section of society that is forcever screaming, "Will someone please think of the children?" but they are also easing the next generation of drug dealers in very slowly. Minister for Employment Tony McNulty was very enthusiastic about the scheme. "We are looking at the drug dealers of tomorrow and breaking them into what is a very difficult world. They can start at the very bottom starting with GBL and move onto pot before graduating onto skag."

Defenders of the drugs and spoken out against the reclassification. They claim that their highs are no more dangerous than many other pursuits including horse riding. Peter Vincenoire, a casual high user, spoke out against the equine habit saying, "Have you see some of those horses? They're crazy. I tried getting on one and was thrown off. But then again, I was massively high and thought it was a marshmallow bouncy castle."

Shock as England finally win at game that they invented

It is the victory that has turned the sporting world on its head. Usually England is famous for capitulating in sporting contests the first time they have taught the other country the rules. But their Ashes victory has provided a reverse in the well-established trend. In recent years, the country has been beaten by the Netherlands in cricket, pounded by South Africa at rugby and denied a place in football’s Euro 2008 by Croatia, a country that only came into existence in 1991, making it a younger country than Disneyland.

Reg Yorker, the cricket “expert” for the Chum Bucket, gave his views on why the side were able to reverse their cricketing fortunes. “For me, it was all about the pitch. It was a monster of a wicket. It turned, it spat and it vomited into the corner. No side wants to be playing on that.” Asked if England could retain the Ashes when they travel to Australia in eighteen months time, Yorker was confident. “Absolutely, I am certain we can win. Although I did say that in 2005 and we were stuffed 5-0.”

Meanwhile, the England team have been warned that the country is still in a recession and that their celebrations should not be too ostentatious. In 2005, the team were driven round in golden chariots whilst angels showered them with rubies and emeralds. But the side’s captain Andrew Strauss is now planning a party more in keeping with the economic downturn. “We’ve booked out a park bench in Leytonstone,” said Strauss, “Matt Prior’s going to bring along a couple of boxes of wine whilst Cook is trying to see if he can find any cocktail sausages that have been reduced to clear. Top times!”

Students in last minute scramble to avoid the real world

It’s the time of year when teenagers and people in their mid-thirties trying to find some direction in their life should be celebrating. They’ve got their grades at A level, have secured their place at university and can look forward to three years of glorious isolation from such pressing issues as rent, the 9 to 5 grind and feelings of shame over using the phrase ‘metaphysical heuristic framework’ in any kind of conversation. But given the paucity of university places, potential students are resorting to desperate attempts to secure their place on the good ship HMS Coasting.

Academics across the country have been surprised at the depths at which prospective students will sink in order to get their place. Professor Lincoln of the Institute of Ersatz Academia relates his story of the cravenness on display. “I came out of my study to find a row of eager young folk lining the corridor. They were all showing off their five grade As at A Level, their thirteen gold Duke of Edinburgh awards and whispering in my ear things like ‘Do you like what you see mister? I’ll show a good time and also a structured essay. You know you want to supervise me, don’t you, you naughty man?’ One even said that they would read everything I had ever published. I mean, that’s just sad.”

One of the desperate folk is Anna Kettle who has been hanging around institutes of higher learning on the off chance that someone will take pity on her and provide with a grounding in retail management. “I saw a guy with a sign,” said Kettle, “it said, ‘Will work for enlightened discourse on the merits of Hobbesian theory’. I hope my luck changes and I get in. It’s either that or faking an interest in Third World children.”

Female boxing the best way to make use of hoodies says expert

Great Britain stands to treble its medal haul at the 2012 Olympics now that women are allowed to box, say ministers. The news is a double win for the country as it means it can turn its feral sprog-sprouting, cider-chugging, Jeremy Kyle-baiting yobs into champion athletes with not much training. Britain currently boasts some of the most feared female pugilists in the world. They mostly spend their time roaming the streets hoping for a spot on Britain's Worst Towns but now have their chance to shine.

The new ruling means that those constantly up for a fight are also eligible for Olympic funding although their benefits will be cut to make up the shortfall. “It's going to make them even more dangerous,” said Olympic minister Tessa Jowell, “Cut off their Job Seekers Allowance, stick them in the ring and watch them go like a Winehouse.”

A training camp has been set up in the car park of the Suicidal Dolphin pub in Tooting, to which any women are welcome to come and see if they have got what it take to batter the world's best. Amongst the hopefuls is Kelly Blazing Squad who is currently undefeated in all branches of Wetherspoons. “I think I've got a great chance,” said Squad, “I've had people telling me all my life that I've got to make more of my life than just punching people. And I've knocked them all out.”