Bandwagon jumper jumps on the bandwagon of bandwagon jumper

The Sun newspaper has come out in favour of Conservative leader David Cameron as well as Manchester United, cute puppies and Keeley Hazell. The editor of the paper, Dominic Monahan, explained the decision to back the Tories was based on the fact taht their leader was as shallow and superficial as The Sun. "He'll do anything for a vote like we'll do anything for a sale. Buy tomorrow's paper for a free DVD about how to get a cheap holiday with guaranteed Premiership footballers' tits."

The Sun has a history of backing winners in general elections although it is notoriously cautious when giving its endorsement. It only came out for Tony Blair just six weeks before the 1997 election and was cagey on Robert Mugabe's chances of getting re-elected last year. The previous editor of the paper, Rebekah Wade, famously ummed and ahed before coming out with the headline 'Mugabe: he's not torturing that many!"

However, the Sun has got it wrong on one occasion. Its endorsement of F.W. de Klerk over Nelson Mandela in the 1994 South African general election was one of the biggest editorial gaffes of all time. Mike Hack, political editor of the paper at the time, gave his reasons for his support of the leader of the racist National Party. "I just thought he had the mood of the people."

Brown to give the most mental speech ever

Ahead of what will be the most speech of his political career, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed to his aides that his speech at the Labour Conference will be one of the most ludicrous pieces of rhetoric ever heard. One aide revealed that Brown has asked for five hundred chickens to be released as he takes to the stage. The collected poultry will then join Brown in a hearty rendition of showtunes whilst a troupe of schoolchildren arm wrestle. After the chickens have been cleared, Brown will construct a harp out of fudge before kicking a lion's head off.

Brown's plans have left many observers keen to see what happens. Alex Cho, a delegate at the conference said, "It's one thing fixing the economy but it's another thing entirely to remember all the lyrics from Cats."

The content of Brown's speech is intended to focus on crime, public spending cuts and his imaginary adventures as one of the Three Musketeers. One of Brown's aides said, "Throughout his tenure as Prime Minister, Gordon has had a real affinity with Porthos, the cool one, and he wants to tell people about it."

For the second half of his speech, Brown will acknowledge the continued for investment in education. He will follow this by stripping off and taking to a jacuzzi filled up with yoghurt. Pundits predict he will use this opportunity to splash around and shout, "It's like liquid clouds! Clouds! Clouds! So pretty!" Brown will then dry himself off and return to the podium to talk about corporate responsibility.

The dramatic switch by Brown from his normal saturnine disposition is a desperate attempt to try and convince people that he is not a corpse roaming the Earth and turning up in children's nightmares. He will acknowledge the numerous failures of his premiership and attempt to position himself as the underdog for the upcoming election, stating, "I'm a bit sh*t, aren't I?" Pundits predict that this will strike a chord with the voting public when they vote for David Cameron next spring.

Policewomen asked to arrest themselves

One of the country's biggest crackdowns on potential child cruelty has resulted in an entire police squadron arresting themselves. Eight constables and six detectives stormed their own houses and wrestled themselves to the ground before leading themselves away to their own car. "The whole operation has been a massive success," said Constable Ruth Williams, "but I haven't got one single piece of evidence against me. I'm innocent and until I make myself confess to myself, I ain't got nothing. So suck it pig."

There have been accusations that the police were heavy-handed in their approach to themselves but the Thames Valley Police force have been quick to deny any wrongdoing to themselves. "We were very thorough and very fair in the treatment that we took to ourselves," said Detective Anne Barnett, sporting two black eyes, a broken ankle and a distinct lack of arms.

The operation was put together after it emerged that several policewomen were looking after each other's children for more than two hours, resulting in immediate suspicion of rampant child molestation. Those wishing to look after children for more than two hours must register as childminders and complete an extensive course in how not to be a paedophile.

The course covers all aspects of how not to have sex with children. Course attendee Mike Wallace spoke about his progress. "I've been through not having sex with children in a car. I did really well on the not having sex with children whilst on a day out at the zoo and I'm pretty hopeful about getting through the next part which is about not having sex with children in the Greater Manchester area." Asked to give his opinion on the general helpfulness of the course, Wallace replied, "It really is f**king retarded."

We meant barbecue autumn say weathermen

Meteorologists across the country have applied for retrospective permission to forecast a barbecue autumn. The recent good weather has brought out a number of prediction-makers who are keen to revisit their forecasts. They now insist that when they said the summer would be one fit for barbecues rather than home made water parks, they actually meant autumn.

"We got it wrong by one season," said one weatherman who asked not to be named just in case the weather turned, "it probably wasn't our fault. The summer weather must have got held up some way, possibly in the Bahamas."

Weathermen across the country were accused of getting the country's hopes up by predicting a summer filled with sunshine and non-stop bliss. Instead, all that passed between June to August were continuous looks out of the window to a grey sky and continuous shouts "But they fricking promised!"

This has led to accusations that the weatherman association is in cahoots with the sunglasses and crappy dance compilations. However, the weathermen of the country have hit back. "That is totally tropical," said Michael Fish, "I mean wrong and if one more person asks me about the boxes of Oakleys in my garage, I'm going shake, shake, shake the room, I mean, start legal proceedings."

Scientists claim breakthrough against the need for Bono

Researchers have announced a startling discovery that could possibly rid the world of do-gooders forever. The scientists behind the study are pressing the need for caution but have suggested that their results could reduce the need for a celebrity to visit Africa by up to a third. Professor Henry Finkel of the Institute of Ersatz Academia said, "It is truly astonishing. In our control group, which had people given a placebo, we had Chris Martin, Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon with their faces pressed up against the glass, looking at the subjects and shouting that 'Something must be done!'

In the group that received the new treatment, we found that only Peaches Geldof stopped by before she got bored and went to buy a dog."

The team behind the research hope that their work will lead to the erradication of U2 singer Bono or at least contain him to a music studio where his cloying, emotionally hollow dirges about the importance of tax avoidance can be kept to a minimum.

The frontman has been a scourge of African countries since the Eighties, frequently unleashing economic and political advice despite having no grounding in the complexities of governance. Examples of his unwanted intervention include the massive famine he brought about in the Congo in 1989 as a result of his insistence that the country's agricultural policy should be based around a four-bar blues riff.

Congan agricultural minister Claude Mandanda said, "Sure it was catchy but it caused the death of millions. For the love of god, just stick to tax havens and trying to get Obama on speed dial."

Alesha Dixon to qualify for assisted suicide? - You Choose!

As part of its remit to look at the burning issues of the day and insert knob gags wherever appropriate, the Chum Bucket is looking at whether it would be better to put Alesha Dixon, the embattled judge on Strictly Come Dancing, out of her misery. Both two sides of the debate will be represented but the final decision will rest with you, the public. Simply text YES or NO to 4. The results of the poll will then be passed onto the BBC. It is your licence fee, you should have your say. Pleading for her life will be a faceless drone from the BBC whilst resident columnist Carole Bismuth will argue that for her own sake, she should kicked down a flight of stairs.

Keep Alesha alive! says Roland Lackey, runner on the Antiques Roadshow

All the criticism of Alesha so far is unfair. She is a great dancer and has a great personality, which automatically makes her a great judge. Like if a dog is a great catcher of a ball, it'll probably be a good minister of defence. Of course Arlene Phillips will be missed but we still consider her to be a member of the Strictly family, albeit a family member that we've shut away in a cupboard and never talk of again. There has been talk of an "ageist" agenda at the BBC but we have many different ages at the BBC. There are plenty of mature workers here and without their cleaning, we'd be very stuck. We also employ the very young too. Children as young as five who write most of the jokes on the Chris Moyles show.

Smother her with a pillow says Carole Bismuth

There are some things in this life that I simply cannot abide: bruised fruit and pitying the weak. I watched Ms. Dixon, who I understand has a failed marriage to her name, last Saturday night. I honestly felt rotten to the core. Simply watching her wallowing in pungent mediocrity whilst my good friend Arlene Phillips, whom I've known ever since she asked me to leave a party, has to stand by is shameful. The sooner we can get her off the panel and into a lake with stones tied round her ankles, the better.

Is Susan Boyle joining the Sugababes?

No, that would be stupid. But the ever changing line-up of one of the most successful British girl groups means a space will shortly be opening up. The only remaining founding member of the group, Keisha Buchanan was kicked out of the band following a row with the record company, which is rumoured to be over the look for their next video. Buchanan was said to be favouring a hommage to 1930s Hollywood glamour with flowing dresses and floral prints. The record company thought it would be better if they danced around in their pants. The Chum Bucket looks at the runners and riders for the coveted chance to get in front of a camera and point at their bum.

Kerry Katona - odds 6/4

Pros: Has experience of being in a girl band. Has plenty of time on her hands. Would not be fazed by the excesses of showbusiness. Has shown that she is able to slim down time after time after time

Cons: Is a bit mental.

Carol Thatcher - odds 7/2

Pros: Knows what it takes to be part of a long-standing dynasty with a history of success and crushing any opposition. Has plenty of time on her hands. After having Margaret Thatcher for her mother, the pressures of singing in front of a live audience would be no problem.

Cons: Is a bit racist

Dustin Hoffman - odds 18/1

Pros: Is a showbusiness guy. Has experience of working with powerful and assertive women. Can pull off wearing a dress.

Cons: Is busy working his own album, a folk funk freakout collaboration with the Insane Clown Posse

Catherine the Great - odds 14/5

Pros: Feisty. Secured Russia as a major European force in the 18th century. Proved adept at managing competing interests within her court. A freethinker who associated with some of the finest minds of her time.

Cons: Dead. Banged horses.