Tiger Woods' midlife crisis as boring as expected

The current scandal surrounding golfer Tiger Woods is exactly as dull as expected, claim experts. Woods has been involved in a minor car outside his house and is currently denying having affairs with two women who are both just averagely good looking. Relationship expert Ruth Varnish gave her opinion on the tedious shenanigans. "When most men hit their mid-thirties, they go a phase of worrying that they have lost their youth. They do things like buy fast cars, date younger women and do stuff like bungee jumping. What we're seeing from Woods is basically a really boring version of this."

Woods has always maintained a steady lifestyle. His idea of danger is not washing an apple before he eats it. And his moderate manner of messing up is entirely in keeping with his public image, something that his fans appreciate. Eric Newby, a golfing fan from Salt Lake City, said, "I went through a similar phase myself when I hit thirty-six. I just felt that I had lost my vigour and so I went on an eight day meths bender, during which time I destroyed two acres worth of corn and danced naked at an ice hockey game, inviting the players to shove the puck where the sun don't shine.

"I also put two bishops in hospital and ended up becoming a chief of a lost Amazonian tribe. So to see Tiger just crash his car and get off with two women who are both about a seven, it makes you feel good about the world."

Wetherspoons to create monopoly on drunks

Wetherspoons has announced plans to create 10,000 new jobs in 250 new pubs, leading to fears that it will become the Tescos for bums. The company has stressed that it is not looking for competition but local pubs fear that the new pubs will be cutting in on their share of sad old men who start drinking at noon.

Proprietor of the Cat and Bunyon pub in Bromley Ed Berry said, "I've known some of these pissheads for years. There's Brian who is on a gin drip, old Mikey who likes to discuss the issues of the day with the dartboard and Wally who keeps on telling everyone that Destiny's Child stole his act.

"If they start drinking elsewhere in dimly lit shacks with cut-price drinks, I don't know what I'll do. The pub trade is bad enough as it is. You've got the recession, the smoking ban plus the fact that fewer people want to drink in a dingy bar with some bloke shouting at a dartboard."

However, the head of the Wetherspoons chain, Cecil Frimby tried to calm the fears of local publicans. "Wetherspoons started off very small. I saw a man drinking alone in a shed. And I thought to myself, 'Why don't we take that and make it bigger?' This is why all Wetherspoons are basically warehouses with booze. There's no music, no atmosphere, no football. But you do just pay two pound fifty for a Red Bull and vodka. That's why our motto is 'If you're having a good time, you've probably come to the wrong place.'"

Swiss to allow building of minarets if they are made from Nazi gold

Swiss authorities have reacted quickly to accusations of Islamophobia by ammending the ban applied to the building of minarets. The towers which are used to give the call to prayer will be allowed to be erected if they can also be used as tax havens. Swiss Minister for the Interior, Claude Gaston said, "We are not biased against Muslims, we just want them to fit in with our values. Those values of appeasement, hoarding money and producing substantially inferior chocolate products. And if they could yodel the call to prayer, that would be the icing on the overly rich cake."

The move to ban minarets had been brought by a mass petition who see the towers as a growing threat of Islamisation. Geneva resident Hans Revenue said, "They come over here and they take our town space, reflecting the growing Muslim population within Europe. I tell you, it's a bloody disgrace. The next thing will be them wanting some kind of recognition for their faith. I mean, did we win the Crusades or what?"

Recession could be dispelled by morons' spending habits

The United Kingdom could soon find itself out of recession if idiots continue to spend money on crap, claim a panel of experts. The revelation comes as the high street chemist Boots admits that it sells homeopathic remedies even though they know that there is no evidence for them working. Keith Palmer, a manager of a Boots branch in Bromley said, "We're so lucky that our customers are mostly braindead spanners. We've been able to flog all kinds of tat on the grounds it'll improve your circulation and give you shinier toes. We're evening selling whistle oil. Apparently it gives your liver greater buoyancy."

The rate at which the tinctures of frog spittle are flying off the shelves has given Boots the idea of starting up other ventures with which to trap the gullible and the feeble-minded. Chief Executive of Boots Tug Bosendran give his outlook on the new winter collection. "We've got chocolate teapots, Katie Price novels and left elbow cream. If that doesn't draw in the punters, we've always got our back-up plan. I'm talking calendars with puppies dressed up as fireman together with the cast of Hollyoaks. It's a banker!"

The outlay of idiots on cheap crap currently accounts for 6.4% of the UK's GDP but experts expect this to rise as Christmas approaches. Professor Clive Bonnet of the Institute of Ersatz Academia gave his forecast for the coming season. "Although people have tended to rein in their spending as the recession has bitten, there is no accounting for divs. And as it gets closer to Christmas, people become ever more distant from reality. Expect to see perfectly people holding up hideous jumpers and saying 'Here, this would look nice on our Terry'. I know that I will."

Woody Allen's new film with Carla Bruni: REVEALED

In a move that has shocked the cinematic world, Woody Allen has cast an attractive woman to star in a film in which people talk about metaphysics and Hungarian farming techniques. The lead role will be taken by Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, First Lady of France and 2,305th Lady of Mick Jagger. Allen explained why he had chosen Bruni-Sarkozy. "Well, you know, she has this aesthetic, a minimalist conception of what Sartre is trying to explain when he talks about negating moral nihilism. Plus I know she has a thing for older guys."

Bruni-Sarkozy agreed with Allen's estimation saying, "It's true that I have penchant for the mature man. I've had relationships with Eric Clapton, Julius Caesar, Socrates and a two month thing with Apollo." Bruni-Sarkozy also admitted that being married to French President Nicolas Sarkozy had provided her with enough experience to deal with a short man with diminishing respect on the world stage.

The Chum Bucket can also reveal part of the script for Allen's new film, No Need For Viagra, which is set in Paris and features a seventy year old neurotic intellectual called Buddy Gallen struggling to find time for his eight mistresses.

We open on a street cafe. Buddy Gallen is sitting with a copy of Baudelaire's Fleur du Mal and making improvements. Along comes Ella Nympho, a beautiful and radiant woman with the libido of a high school football team and unresolved issues with her father.

Nympho: Excuse me, I couldn't help notice that you're reading French poetry. That surely marks you out as being intellectual and by logical extension, a good person.

Gallen: Well, good is such a bourgeois term. Beneath the veneer of a socially applied patriarchal moral system, I think we're all just animals.

Nympho: That's fascinating, do you mind if I sit down?

Gallen: Of course but be careful not to knock over my oxygen cylinder. My bronchitis is really playing up.

Nympho: You have bronchitis? I find that so attractive. Would you have sex with me and then agonise whether your ex-wife was right about Ingmar Bergman?

Gallen: You got it. But we'll first need to stop off for incontinence pads.

Fans of Twilight warned that not all vampires are pussies

With the release of the new vampire film Twilight, teenagers are being warned that not all creatures of the undead are limp-wristed, pale-faced wimps who collect flower petals and cry at sunsets. Experts foresee an entire generation growing up with the notion that vampires and werewolves are just misunderstood pansies who prefer going clothes shopping to defiling young virgins.

Fantasy expert Nigel Plummer said, "Twilight promotes the notion that the most fiercesome and brutal creatures are kind, considerate people. The sort who spend hours on the phone, going 'You hang up, no, you hang up,' But that just isn't it the case. The truth is that they would rather be kicking down your door and sucking you drier than a HSBC pension fund."

The Twlight saga has been praised for its portrayal of the dilemmas that most teenagers face. And then slammed for doing it with such bad writing. Writing expert Anna Liverman gave her opinion of the book. "It reads like a drunk trying to give road directions to a town in Wales."

There has also been considerable upset amongst the werewolf and vampire community over their portrayal in the film. The ire is due to them being depicted as weepy drips who use their muscled bodies to help grannies across the road and collect litter in parks. One vampire spoke out against the film, saying, "I'm a loathsome creature of the night. I'm evil, I'm despicable and I feast on the blood of the young. But now the wife has seen New Moon I'm expected to take her out for dinner and go shopping at Topman."

French philosophers to debate 'What is a handball?'

Thierry Henry's intervention in the vital World Cup playoff in Paris has provoked the entire nation of France to debate the question of 'Can one really handle a ball or is it just a state of mind?' Some of France's most celebrated minds are pondering the issue of whether Henry was committing an egregious foul or simply posing a metaphysical conundrum. Robert Gignac, of the Institute de Flimflam, described what happened as a political gesture, "For me, the handball is a revolutionary act. I don't know how but if we look through a glass and we see a spider knitting itself into a wasp, who is to say that is wrong? I rest my case."

Other Gallic penseurs have come forward with their own theories. Alain Dubedubedoo said, "In my estimation, he was providing us with an essential truth. Because we are descended from Adam, a fallen man, we are all guilty of a handball during all of our lives. So when we touch the ball with our hands and then do it again, and then pretend that we did nothing of the sort until we are confronted with the proof, what we are really doing is confirming ourselves as individuals. But if the Irish players had done it, they would be knobs."