France and Germany come out of recession just to piss Britain off

It’s the economic miracle that few expected, a recovery that is faster than Cristiano Ronaldo’s after not getting a free kick. Germany and France have both reported strong economic growth which has been put down to a strong desire by both countries to show up Britain for the sherry-drinking, losing at every single game they invented, ain’t isn’t this all just a bit too quaint nabobs they know them to be. France’s economic minister Dominique Vache said, “I stick it to you English farthounds with your poor manufacturing industry coupled with a lax approach to financial regulation. Now I must go and smoke Gauloises with my outrageously sexy mistress.”

The reasons behind the Franco-German renaissance appear to be two-fold. The first is a commitment to supporting industries that have the promise of increasing exports. The other is the decision not to hand over money to the people who have the same familiarity with financial prudence as Paris Hilton has with modesty. German finance minister Miriam Meissner offered her approach to people working in the financial industry. “They’re all right guys but the love of god, don’t take your wallet into a meeting with them. And never, ever have a meal with them in a restaurant. Last time, I was left with the tab plus seven other tabs they’d accrued elsewhere.”

The triumphal spirit amongst the French and the Germans has spread to their general population with members of each of the countries keen to put Britain in its place. Kurt Wilhelmschaft was indicative of the ebullient mood felt by most Germans. “It’s so nice to feel pleasure due to the misery of others. If only us Germans had a word for it.”

Republicans to thwart Obama’s health plans by showing clips of Eastenders

It is the debate that it is dividing America into two separate camps. One side is trying to establish a healthcare system for all whilst the other side see this as the vilest incarnation of socialism since Bill Clinton’s Equal Opportunities for Interns programme of the Nineties. As usual, the issue is being debated on the airwaves and on national television with scaremongering adverts showing the potential dangers of using socialised medicine. One campaign shows Shane McGowan singing and features the tagline ‘Is This What You Want For Your Children?’

However, it is the use of clips of the popular soap opera Eastenders that has stirred up the most debate amongst Americans. Those against Obama’s healthcare plans say that the people featured in the programme are the perfect example of how socialised medicine fails to treat the most hideous of injuries. Chuck Beasley said, “This Ian Beale guy, he’s clearly been in a car accident. The treatment he got means that he can’t talk right and his face is still a complete mess. Then there’s Alfie Moon, that guy must have taken a lot of blows to the head that have gone completely untreated. He looks like a monkey who’s constantly surprised.”

Other notable British have been targeted by the American right to support their cause of the dangers of socialised medicine. Peter Crouch, Chris Moyles and Jeremy Clarkson have all been pinpointed on the assumption that they have had bad experiences with the NHS rather than just being plain ugly. Wesley Pinchmore, a lobbyist for a health insurance firm said, “I mean no disrespect to the Queen but she looks like she’s been throttled by a horse.”

Suu Kyi: It’s a fair cop

Burma has announced to the world that it can now sleep easy at night thanks to the capture of notorious criminal Aung San Suu Kyi. The former leader was tracked down and arrested for failing to stay in her house, the place where she has been kept for the past fourteen years. Suu Kyi handed herself over but was unrepentant about her crimes of violating her house arrest whilst remaining in her house. “Do you think you keep me outside?” she said, being dragged away back to her house, “I’ve stayed inside this house for years and I can stay inside for plenty more. They haven’t built the house that can keep me from not breaking out whatsoever.”

The arrest comes after one of the biggest manhunts in Burma’s history. Dogs, helicopters and speedboats were all used as the search for Suu Kyi went on for months. It was only after the police received an anonymous tip-off that she was finally brought to justice. Police chief Than Anan revealed that Suu Kyi made the fatal mistake of coming out in public. “It was your classic criminal error,” said Anan, “coming out of your house and telling some utter cretin to stop swimming across a lake into your house.”

Suu Kyi is said to be adjusting well to her new life in prison. She has even started a gang which dominates the prison yard although numbers are said to be low. Given that she will in place for a considerable amount of time, she is making the most of her new and familiar surroundings. “Yeah, I know all the screws in this place,” said Kyi, “slip them a couple of smokes and they’re no trouble at all.”

Train Robber Ronnie Biggs’ release from prison delayed due to leaves on the line

Ronnie Biggs, the infamous Train Robber, will be forced to wait for up to three hours on a platform as part of his release from jail. The move is an ironic twist to placate those who believe that he should be left behind bars. Prison chief Alan Cutlet said, “We felt that this was the best excuse to give so that we could leave him hanging. We were going to go with it being the wrong kind of snow but given that’s it August, we would just have been taking the piss.” As part of his release, Biggs will have to change at least three times and taking two bus replacement services.

The Ticketholders Union against Mismanagement and Muddled Yammering is delighted about the treatment meted out to the former criminal. TUMMY spokesman Ralf Burnside said, “TUMMY is tickled pink about this. Us train users have had enough to put up with over the years. Massive fare increases, delayed trains and pathetic excuses. The last thing you need on the 0945 to Doncaster is someone holding up the train and casing the joint. I hope he spends the rest of his life having to eat Virgin Rail sandwiches.”

Murdoch to make serial masturbators pay for content

Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch is used to being a revolutionary force within media, constantly pushing boundaries and jumping up and down on standards until they are lower than anyone ever thought possible. He was the first person to come up with the ingenious combination of sensationalist, poorly researched journalism with soft-core pornography. He has copied this model across the world and is only seconded by Richard Desmond whose own collection of publications includes Asian Babes, Indo-European Sluts and Marine Biologists In The Nip.

Murdoch has taken the step of charging his readers for the content that can be found in his array of titles. “High quality journalism isn’t cheap,” said Murdoch, “so we’ve abandoned that and put together shots of birds in the altogether with some stuff about bogus asylum seekers eating swans.” The tariffs for the sites are yet to be announced but is expected to use a system dependent on the number of bums and nipples viewed. Media analyst Tony Ferret said, “We expect that one pound gets you either ten nipples, thirty bums or eighty thousand pieces of political analysis. Of course, I expect you’ll be able to mix and match.”

However, onanists across the world are up in arms about the move. “I can’t believe that they’re doing this,” said Gary Trimble, speaking to The Chum Bucket on what sounded like a hands-free telephone. “The Sun has always been the best newspaper to beat off to. The ones in the Star always look grumpy and don’t get me started about the Daily Sport. Oh, oh, yes, yes that's right. And I’m done.” However, Murdoch has defended his decision, saying, “Do you know how many years’ training it takes to be able to get those up the skirt shots? It’s an art I’m telling you, an art.”

Teenager breaks up boyfriend after she sees his naked text

It’s the phenomenon amongst teenagers that is causing parents to reach for their copies of Reefer Madness and scream “Is this what you want end up like?” Sexting is the latest craze popular amongst young 'uns along with skinny jeans, happy slapping and a repudiation of the concept of vowels. It involves horny teenagers sending naked pictures of themselves to each other. It is also known as fuxting, screxting and making the beast with two baxting. However, police are warning teenage boys that they risk humiliating themselves through showing the world their under-endowed genitals. Constable Alan Peters said, “If it’s anything less than four inches, for the love of god just keep it in your pants.”

This was the advice that Jared Hornsby failed to take heed of. He has been dumped after sending his own roll in the hext, which caused his girlfriend considerable disappointment and utter devastation. Thinking that he was being romantic, Hornsby only expedited the break-up of the relationship that had previously showed considerable promise. Lisa Rogers, the distraught recipient of the copulext, explained her reasoning for the split. “I hadn’t seen Jared naked because we thought we should wait. Then I saw the photo and I thought ‘That’s what I’m saving myself for? It’s like a button mushroom on two M&Ms.’ I don’t want to embarrass him but if I were him, I’d start putting a cucumber down there.”

Hornsby has hit back at the accusations of not measuring up, saying, “It’s not small at all. It’s just that the camera wasn’t working properly, I’d just got out of the shower, it was a cold day, I had just gone for a run, I’ve had the measles and my cat died the day before. It really isn’t that small.” Objective tests however, are at odds with Mr. Hornsby’s assessment.

Immigrants must show that they can put up with the Sun

According to government sources, people applying for immigrant status in future will have to demonstrate a wide-ranging acceptance of British values such as queuing, a penchant for glorious failure in sport and a tolerance for self-righteous, rabble-rousing, piss-poor journalism. Immigration minister Phil Woolas confirmed that stringent measures would be taken to ensure that those coming to live in the United Kingdom adhere to British customs including sneering at one’s neighbours and obsessing over house prices.

The new system will be a points-based system with greater rewards given for those who can demonstrate extra proficiency at mastering the English language. Classes will be given and those that have already attended have shown the progress that can be made. Lebanese hopeful Roda Khan said, “I never knew there were so many words to insult women but now I have learned them all. Now as you say in your language, get the fahk out of my face or I is gawn to merk you blood. Is this right?”

New migrants will also be sent on compulsory orientation days in which they will be taught about British history and social customs. However, the project has been criticised for giving a skewed take on British history due to a lack of funds. One example was a recreation of the invasion of the Spanish Armada which featured a gang of hoodies setting fire to a Nando’s. One onlooker was appalled. “It’s just completely unacceptable. I mean, everyone knows that Nando’s is Portugese.”