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Speaker To Accept Scapegoat Role

Members of Parliament have expressed their overwhelming relief over the news that Speaker Michael Martin is to step down. Martin will relinquish his post in order to cover up for a collective failure of government. Representatives from all parties have insisted that it would make “a really good diversion from the utter shambles that has passed for a democratic system over the past decade.” Martin was considering how to exactly go about making the empty gesture but sources close to the Speaker have said, “It will be a token act to end all token acts.”

The Speaker has come under increasing pressure to carry the can for parliamentarians’ rampant greed ever since it became public knowledge, leading to angry questions from their constituents. Conservative MP George Osborne said, “It’s about time someone made a futile gesture such as this. I’ve had all these people coming up to me and asking why I’ve been wasting their money. I’ve tried to explain to them that they should go home to their pleby house and do pleb things. But this has not gone down that well. Hopefully, this completely ineffectual act will provide some relief.”

Pope: “Holy Land Not As Holy As The Vatican”

Pope Benedict XVI has caused an international furore during his trip to the Middle East after commenting that the Holy Land “isn’t that special and could do with a bit of tarting up.” He also went on to say that in a sanctity contest the Vatican would “dick all over the Holy Land.” Asked to explain his comments, his Holiness replied, “Well it’s obvious, innit? Over at the Vatican, you’ve got crosses, altars and stained glass windows. Here, you’ve got a stable and a mangy donkey. That’s no holy site, it’s a case for the RSPCA. And if this gaff is so holy, how come they ain’t got no frescos? Are you seriously trying to tell me that this is a holy place without no frescos? Do me a favour.”

Criticism of the Pope’s comments came quickly in the form of prominent Israeli figures quick to defend the prestige of Bethlehem and the honour of the maligned donkey. “That donkey is not mangy,” said President Shimon Peres, “he’s just been sleeping badly for the past couple of days. And another thing, he’s a hell of a lot more holy than that religious theme park he’s got in Rome. I went there once and parking was a nightmare. I had to queue for two hours to get to the toilets, they ran out of communion wafers halfway through the service and they forgot the words to the mass. You could see them just making it up as they went along. ‘Blessed be the tops on biros?’ Mental. As for the frescos? I’ve seen a lot better.”

Pope Benedict’s visit to the Middle East had been seen as an attempt at forging closer links with other faiths. In one way he has succeeded in bringing other religions together. At an inter-faith meeting attended by Jews, Muslims, the British National Party, Scientologists and Goldilocks, all were in complete agreement that the pontiff was “a spanner of the highest order.”

Brown: “We Are Sorry For Getting Caught”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown apologised on behalf of all politicians today, for the row over expenses; claiming that it was never their intention for anyone to find out. The apology has been triggered by the revelation of MPs claims in several newspapers, detailing the level of gorging that has been going on for years. “It was an honest mistake,” said Brown, “a mistake that was made hundreds and hundreds of times, over and over again, with no intention of trying to correct the procedure that meant this mistake couldn’t be stopped from happening again.”

The apology follows on from the expenses claims made by members of parliament for seemingly trivial items. Cheryl Gillian, the shadow Welsh secretary claimed for dog food, a dog collar, visits to the vet in order to treat her sick dog and a kennel in to house her dog in. Cheryl Gillian does not have a dog. Speaking inside her newly renovated house, Gillian confirmed that she would be paying the money back, although this would then be claimed back in expenses.

Other politicians include Michael Gove who claimed £5,000 for “stuff and shit”. Asked what was entailed in this particular claim, Gove replied, “You know, like, stuff, stuff stuff. Stuff you need and shit. Just stuff and all that kind of stuff. Listen, I’m keeping the money. Cameron claims a fiver a day for ‘his magic fingers’, whatever the hell that means. Why can’t I get in on some of that action?” Gordon Brown went on to say that he would be regulating the expenses system so that it would be harder to find out about these sorts of details in future.