Thursday, 31 December 2009

What will happen in 2010

In its last post for 2009, the Chum Bucket will peer into the crystal ball, gaze into the future and then write some crap about tossers. The following predictions are not legally binding and are subject to alterations after actual events have happened.


Celebrity Big Brother faces ruin as the lack of any viewers means that no contestants are voted out for the first eight weeks. The entire nation is too busy working overtime to pay off their credit card debts whilst the core audience of unemployed sociopaths find more enjoyment in staring at a puddle.


Sick of being lambasted for trying to save the planet in his private jet, Sting leaves Earth to try and save Mars. "It's a desolate wasteground now," says Sting, "but with a lick of paint and some Mongolian folk music, we should be able to turn it around." He spends eight months trying to fix the planet but his efforts are in ruins after a NASA probe finds no signs of intelligent life.


The world is taken hostage after Eddie Murphy threatens to release more films. Despite the global recession, nations scramble around to meet the ransom. This stops Murphy from appearing in a British comedy with Horne and Corden, a combination scientists claim would have been the perfect storm of crap cinema.


Not only is Michael Owen left of England's World Cup squad, he is left out of his own house. Owen is determined to force his way back but breaks both legs whilst trying to put the key in the lock. "I'm not a quitter," says Owen, "although if it goes on much longer, I'll just buy another house."


Gordon Brown's attempt to call a general election fails. The Prime Minister dials the wrong number five times before throwing the phone at the wall. British law states that in the absence of a general election, the next Prime Minister must be a member of parliament who can show integrity and conviction. Due to the lack of any candidates, the country is ruled by mice.


Andy Murray is thrown out of Wimbledon after complaints over his excessive shouting. After winning every point, Murray is heard to be exclaiming, "You may break my service but you'll never take my freedom!"


England are knocked out of the World Cup after a last minute goal consigns them to an 8-0 defeat against Brazil. The Sun reacts with a headline of "Kill All Gypsies!"


A nationwide heatwave leads to Sharon Osbourne's face melting. Steve Lamacq promises to provide water to any home who can remember what he does.


David Cameron takes over the country with swift and crushing coup d'etat against the ruling mice. "I can't believe it's taken us this long to realise that they are an inch in size." Most of the mice are kept on in administrative capacities.


Katie Price kidnaps the Pope in order to hold onto her dwindling fame. When this doesn't work after the Pope magics himself away, Price changes her name to "Cure for AIDS." The AIDS virus sues for bringing its name into disrepute.


The climate change conference in Oslo is successful. All of the countries' leaders sign a binding agreement that they will turn up to a climate change conference next year.


The X-Factor is once again denied the number one slot at Christmas. An internet campaign succeeds in getting NWA's 'Fuck Tha Police' to the top spot. Cowell is magnanimous in defeat, "Fair play to them, it's a great record and the market for crap schmalz has run its course." The X-Factor winner is then put down.

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Student's attempt to blow up plane makes planned reunion awkward

The ex-UCL student who failed in his attempt blow up a plane in America has succeeded in ripping apart his classmates' plans for a meet-up. The actions of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab have made it increasingly difficult for the class of 2008 to get together. Danny Simpson, the graduate who had organised the meet-up, expressed his frustration at the ongoing situation. "I'm seriously pissed off. I had booked a table in Brown's, managed to get confirmations from everyone and then everyone is now backing out because Umar tried to blow up a plane." The spokesperson for the restaurant confirmed that Simpson would be losing his deposit.

Those who knew Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab are amazed at their former classmate's actions. The head of the engineering department in which Abdulmutallab was enrolled described the 23 year old as a "hard working student althought quiet. The only sign of any trouble was when he asked whether he could sign up for the Explosives in Pants workshop. We don't normally get many people interested."

Fellow student Alan Wicker remembers Abdulmutallab as a diligent worker although prone to eccentricity. "I remember he came up to me one day and said, 'I've got a bomb in my pants.' I said, 'Yeah, I also need to get laid.' He said, 'No seriously, I'm packing explosives.' I replied, 'Damn right, I call mine the Wrathful Cobra.'"

Thursday, 24 December 2009

Travel chaos reeks havoc with Britain's doggers

The large amounts of snow and ice on Britain's roads have made life hell for the British public. The dangerous weather conditions have made life precarious for those looking to get to relatives, those delivering presents and those spazzing off to people banging each other in cars. Britian's doggers are facing numerous problems over the festive period such as traffic jams, black ice and frostbite of the knackers.

Experienced dogger Mike Turner recalls one such incident. "We were watching a couple going at it in a layby near the turn-off for the M6. This was classic dogging. It was bloody cold but everyone was getting into it. I was on the bonnet looking in when I realised that my ballbag had got frozen onto the windscreen. I had to tap on the window and ask if the couple had any de-icer. They didn't. In the end, I had to chip it off with a credit card."

Mr. Turner's ill-fortune is symptomatic of the luck befalling those who get off from watching gang bangs in trucks. Police constable Trevor Gibbs reports on the trouble doggers have got themselves into. "We had a man who was simply trying to get some sleep in a car park after a long journey. Suddenly he is confronted by the sight of tens of people dropping their trousers and rubbing themselves up agaisnt the car. When he explained his situation, I'm told that there were tears. Angry, angry tears."

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Children's fury as magic snowman refuses to fly

Children of a Wiltshire village have lambasted a snowman brought to life through the magic of Christmas for refusing to take them a wondrous flight through the skies. The gentleman in question has defended his actions on the grounds that he hasn't had the proper training. Mr. Tumbles, a resident of the village green in Lacock, was fashioned by the youngsters and was then imparted with life due it being Christmas and that sort of thing generally happening.

However, the delight of having a new found friend made out of snow has quickly turned sour for his creators. Kevin McDonald, one of the team behind Mr. Tumbles, spoke of his disappointment. "He just sits around smoking and kicking snow in our faces. If we ask him to do anything like tell us stories or do magic, he tells us to go and chew a tree. My mate Simon asked him to show us the magic of Christmas. Mr. Tumbles just showed us the middle finger."

Mr. Tumbles has defended his behaviour on the grounds that he is only doing what he is employed to do. "Listen, this is tough work. In two weeks time I'm melting and that's if I'm lucky. I could be pissed on by a dog or cut in two by some alcopop-addled youth 'cos he didn't all the PS3 games he wanted. Plus, I'm hardly a top-notch snowman. I've got a tiny head and where's the cock and balls? All the other snowmen are taking this piss." Other magic snowmen in the area did confirm that Mr. Tumbles was indeed a cockless bastard.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Anger as leaders' TV debate leaves public less time to disengage with politics

Britain's voting public have reacted with fury as a three way debate on TV between political leaders means that they'll have to watch politics instead of Britain's Dirtiest Urinals. Prime Minister Gordon Brown was delighted at the news. "Stick that in your voter apathy pipe and smoke it. I'm going to be all over your idiot box like Adrian Chiles. And there won't even be that fit one to look at either."

The three debates will take place on BBC, ITV and Sky. The Sky event will be hosted by Danny Dyer which is entitled Britain's Propa Naughtiest Politics Geezers and No Mistake Guv'nor. Dyer was enthralled at the prospect of engaging in the issues of the day. "This thing is going to go right off. I want Cameron coming in there and being like 'Bosh' and some geezer to get hit in the face with an iron bar. And then when they've all finished punching each other, I want all of them to address the national deficit."

Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, was excited at the promise of more national exposure. "They've said that if I am well behaved, I get to point the camera. But only for a minute."

Friday, 18 December 2009

The Daily Mail to accept 50% cut in outrage

The Daily Mail has announced that it will be reducing its sense of self-righteousness and moral grand-standing by half. Editor of the paper, Paul Dacre said, "We like to think that we are line with public thinking and also, we're not going to allow that bastard Jonathan Ross to get one up on us." The move has been prompted by Ross's new deal with the BBC with both sides agreeing that he could be replaced by a bunch of schoolkids who knew how to come up with clever twists on the idea of two people having sexual intercourse.

The new regime at the Daily Mail will feature old favourites such as European bureaucrats, house prices and everything causing cancer but done in a much more restrained way. Columnist Richard Littlejohn was one quick to adopt to the new methods. "It's an absolute disgrace," said Littlejohn, "it's all a bunch of jobsworths telling us what we can and can't do. You couldn't make it up. Although I did saw a rainbow today and it made my heart swell with love. I skipped down the street and hugged a tree." A spokesperson for the paper did confirm that it still viewed single mothers as scum.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Fury as BA strike condemns millions to spend Christmas in UK

The decision of British Airways staff to strike over Christmas will leave millions in front of crap television and dull weather, customers claim. The airline is facing a deluge of complaints as irate customers face missing out on holidays in Mauritius, Paris and New York, leaving them stuck in Carlisle, Doncaster and even some parts of Wales.

BA customer Richard Marland had two weeks planned in Madrid but will now be spending Christmas in a suburb of York. "I had it all figured," said Marland, "I was going to party non-stop. Women, drugs and booze going in any orifice I could find. All I'm left with now is hoping that the boiler won't break down. And that my parents forget where I live."

Some of British Airways' customers are hoping that there will be a breakthrough in talks between the union and the airline. Carol Bingham, a mother of four hoping to get away from burnt turkey and a deluge of films they've already seen on DVD said, "They've just get to reach an agreement. I've worked all year to fund this trip to America as it is the one place I know I won't hear that f**king Slade. If the two sides don't settle, I'll have to stuff my ears with their internal organs."

The possibility of remaining in the United Kingdom is taking its toll on those waiting at airports around the country. One man was seen at Heathrow rocking backwards and forwards, simply repeating, "French and Saunders, I just know they'll show French and Saunders."

Monday, 14 December 2009

Delight as X-Factor decreases unemployment by one

The whole of England was united in celebration last night as the newly crowned X-Factor winner Joe Elderry revealed he would be coming off unemployment benefits. "I'm going to the Job Centre to sign off," said Elderry, desperately searching for his National Insurance Number. The news brought tears to many of the people watching. Ellen Tidwell, a viewer in Wolverhampton, said, "It's like Christmas has come early. I can just imagine him opening his first pay cheque and the way his little face will light up after he sees how much Simon Cowell has taken."

Elderry starts his new job as a Simon Cowell drone a week on Monday and is keen to make a good impression. "I'm scrubbing out the toilets, picking up Dannii Minouge's new face from the cleaners and then performing in front of ten thousand people for nine hours straight. It's going to be the toughest fiver I've ever earned."

Elderry is predicted to be a big hit amongst the public due to his regional accent, his unthreatening voice and a bigger supporting army behind than Kim Jong Il. "We're going to make Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants look like a lost girl guide group," said one industry insider. Elderry is expected to get the Christmas number one slot, a position normally reserved for the twee and mentally ill.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Family urge anti-capitalist son not to be an asshole around Christmas

A family based in Bromley has put out an urgent appeal to their son begging him to not ruin Christmas by shouting excerpts of Karl Marx at anyone wielding a cracker. The Hudsons, a family of four, are concerned that their son's militant tendencies will spoil the holiday season through harranguing his relatives with anti-capitalist rhetoric.

Mr. Hudson said, "Eric is a perfectly pleasant boy but he has just spent his first term at university and has picked up ideas that he doesn't really understand. He goes on and on about free markets and plutocracies. But when you ask him who Alan Greenspan is, he says he's a member of N-Dubz. I mean, that's possibly true but I'm pretty sure he does do other stuff."

However, Eric Hudson is unrepentant at his attitude to the festive season. "Don't give me all that stuff about people coming together, presents and happiness. It's about money and corporations and greed and yeah. It's just another phoney dressed up charade to fool us into perpetuating the capitalist system that enslaves us and exploits us and yeah." When asked if knew what quantative easing meant, Hudson replied, "Yeah, it's when you film someone shoplifting from Lidl. Safe."

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Copenhagen summit chooses spiders to rule after humanity's collapse

It's the agreement that no-one thought would happen. The world's leaders have gathered together in Copenhagen and come up with a binding agreement. It has nothing to do with climate change but they have concluded that it will be spiders who are the Earth's dominant creature after humanity throws itself into the abyss. Gordon Brown announced the choice in a small cupboard whilst people's attention was focused elsewhere. "Although we won't be able to save ourselves, we have put a lot of work into making sure that the spider will reign supreme. All hail the spider, the new devastator of Planet Earth!"

The summit had started off on a good note with inconsequential matters quickly brushed aside. Helen Taylor, working as an aide, reported how the issue of global warming was quickly dealt with. "Everyone just decided that humanity is doomed to failure due to its inability to form an equilibrium with its natural surroundings. We're just a virus with a nose. Which it uses to give itself the impression that its shit doesn't stink."

However, for the animals that didn't get the nod for global domination, the summit was something of a failure. Heading up the bear lobby was Michael, a great bear from Canada. "We put together a great package about our ability to be top of the food chain whilst still remaining cuddly. But then they brought up the issue of Yoggie Bear's continued thieving of picnics plus Winnie the Pooh's addiction to honey and the whole thing collapsed. Plus the spiders did give great giftbags."

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Tiger Woods' midlife crisis as boring as expected

The current scandal surrounding golfer Tiger Woods is exactly as dull as expected, claim experts. Woods has been involved in a minor car outside his house and is currently denying having affairs with two women who are both just averagely good looking. Relationship expert Ruth Varnish gave her opinion on the tedious shenanigans. "When most men hit their mid-thirties, they go a phase of worrying that they have lost their youth. They do things like buy fast cars, date younger women and do stuff like bungee jumping. What we're seeing from Woods is basically a really boring version of this."

Woods has always maintained a steady lifestyle. His idea of danger is not washing an apple before he eats it. And his moderate manner of messing up is entirely in keeping with his public image, something that his fans appreciate. Eric Newby, a golfing fan from Salt Lake City, said, "I went through a similar phase myself when I hit thirty-six. I just felt that I had lost my vigour and so I went on an eight day meths bender, during which time I destroyed two acres worth of corn and danced naked at an ice hockey game, inviting the players to shove the puck where the sun don't shine.

"I also put two bishops in hospital and ended up becoming a chief of a lost Amazonian tribe. So to see Tiger just crash his car and get off with two women who are both about a seven, it makes you feel good about the world."

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Wetherspoons to create monopoly on drunks

Wetherspoons has announced plans to create 10,000 new jobs in 250 new pubs, leading to fears that it will become the Tescos for bums. The company has stressed that it is not looking for competition but local pubs fear that the new pubs will be cutting in on their share of sad old men who start drinking at noon.

Proprietor of the Cat and Bunyon pub in Bromley Ed Berry said, "I've known some of these pissheads for years. There's Brian who is on a gin drip, old Mikey who likes to discuss the issues of the day with the dartboard and Wally who keeps on telling everyone that Destiny's Child stole his act.

"If they start drinking elsewhere in dimly lit shacks with cut-price drinks, I don't know what I'll do. The pub trade is bad enough as it is. You've got the recession, the smoking ban plus the fact that fewer people want to drink in a dingy bar with some bloke shouting at a dartboard."

However, the head of the Wetherspoons chain, Cecil Frimby tried to calm the fears of local publicans. "Wetherspoons started off very small. I saw a man drinking alone in a shed. And I thought to myself, 'Why don't we take that and make it bigger?' This is why all Wetherspoons are basically warehouses with booze. There's no music, no atmosphere, no football. But you do just pay two pound fifty for a Red Bull and vodka. That's why our motto is 'If you're having a good time, you've probably come to the wrong place.'"

Monday, 30 November 2009

Swiss to allow building of minarets if they are made from Nazi gold

Swiss authorities have reacted quickly to accusations of Islamophobia by ammending the ban applied to the building of minarets. The towers which are used to give the call to prayer will be allowed to be erected if they can also be used as tax havens. Swiss Minister for the Interior, Claude Gaston said, "We are not biased against Muslims, we just want them to fit in with our values. Those values of appeasement, hoarding money and producing substantially inferior chocolate products. And if they could yodel the call to prayer, that would be the icing on the overly rich cake."

The move to ban minarets had been brought by a mass petition who see the towers as a growing threat of Islamisation. Geneva resident Hans Revenue said, "They come over here and they take our town space, reflecting the growing Muslim population within Europe. I tell you, it's a bloody disgrace. The next thing will be them wanting some kind of recognition for their faith. I mean, did we win the Crusades or what?"

Thursday, 26 November 2009

Recession could be dispelled by morons' spending habits

The United Kingdom could soon find itself out of recession if idiots continue to spend money on crap, claim a panel of experts. The revelation comes as the high street chemist Boots admits that it sells homeopathic remedies even though they know that there is no evidence for them working. Keith Palmer, a manager of a Boots branch in Bromley said, "We're so lucky that our customers are mostly braindead spanners. We've been able to flog all kinds of tat on the grounds it'll improve your circulation and give you shinier toes. We're evening selling whistle oil. Apparently it gives your liver greater buoyancy."

The rate at which the tinctures of frog spittle are flying off the shelves has given Boots the idea of starting up other ventures with which to trap the gullible and the feeble-minded. Chief Executive of Boots Tug Bosendran give his outlook on the new winter collection. "We've got chocolate teapots, Katie Price novels and left elbow cream. If that doesn't draw in the punters, we've always got our back-up plan. I'm talking calendars with puppies dressed up as fireman together with the cast of Hollyoaks. It's a banker!"

The outlay of idiots on cheap crap currently accounts for 6.4% of the UK's GDP but experts expect this to rise as Christmas approaches. Professor Clive Bonnet of the Institute of Ersatz Academia gave his forecast for the coming season. "Although people have tended to rein in their spending as the recession has bitten, there is no accounting for divs. And as it gets closer to Christmas, people become ever more distant from reality. Expect to see perfectly people holding up hideous jumpers and saying 'Here, this would look nice on our Terry'. I know that I will."

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Woody Allen's new film with Carla Bruni: REVEALED

In a move that has shocked the cinematic world, Woody Allen has cast an attractive woman to star in a film in which people talk about metaphysics and Hungarian farming techniques. The lead role will be taken by Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, First Lady of France and 2,305th Lady of Mick Jagger. Allen explained why he had chosen Bruni-Sarkozy. "Well, you know, she has this aesthetic, a minimalist conception of what Sartre is trying to explain when he talks about negating moral nihilism. Plus I know she has a thing for older guys."

Bruni-Sarkozy agreed with Allen's estimation saying, "It's true that I have penchant for the mature man. I've had relationships with Eric Clapton, Julius Caesar, Socrates and a two month thing with Apollo." Bruni-Sarkozy also admitted that being married to French President Nicolas Sarkozy had provided her with enough experience to deal with a short man with diminishing respect on the world stage.

The Chum Bucket can also reveal part of the script for Allen's new film, No Need For Viagra, which is set in Paris and features a seventy year old neurotic intellectual called Buddy Gallen struggling to find time for his eight mistresses.

We open on a street cafe. Buddy Gallen is sitting with a copy of Baudelaire's Fleur du Mal and making improvements. Along comes Ella Nympho, a beautiful and radiant woman with the libido of a high school football team and unresolved issues with her father.

Nympho: Excuse me, I couldn't help notice that you're reading French poetry. That surely marks you out as being intellectual and by logical extension, a good person.

Gallen: Well, good is such a bourgeois term. Beneath the veneer of a socially applied patriarchal moral system, I think we're all just animals.

Nympho: That's fascinating, do you mind if I sit down?

Gallen: Of course but be careful not to knock over my oxygen cylinder. My bronchitis is really playing up.

Nympho: You have bronchitis? I find that so attractive. Would you have sex with me and then agonise whether your ex-wife was right about Ingmar Bergman?

Gallen: You got it. But we'll first need to stop off for incontinence pads.

Friday, 20 November 2009

Fans of Twilight warned that not all vampires are pussies

With the release of the new vampire film Twilight, teenagers are being warned that not all creatures of the undead are limp-wristed, pale-faced wimps who collect flower petals and cry at sunsets. Experts foresee an entire generation growing up with the notion that vampires and werewolves are just misunderstood pansies who prefer going clothes shopping to defiling young virgins.

Fantasy expert Nigel Plummer said, "Twilight promotes the notion that the most fiercesome and brutal creatures are kind, considerate people. The sort who spend hours on the phone, going 'You hang up, no, you hang up,' But that just isn't it the case. The truth is that they would rather be kicking down your door and sucking you drier than a HSBC pension fund."

The Twlight saga has been praised for its portrayal of the dilemmas that most teenagers face. And then slammed for doing it with such bad writing. Writing expert Anna Liverman gave her opinion of the book. "It reads like a drunk trying to give road directions to a town in Wales."

There has also been considerable upset amongst the werewolf and vampire community over their portrayal in the film. The ire is due to them being depicted as weepy drips who use their muscled bodies to help grannies across the road and collect litter in parks. One vampire spoke out against the film, saying, "I'm a loathsome creature of the night. I'm evil, I'm despicable and I feast on the blood of the young. But now the wife has seen New Moon I'm expected to take her out for dinner and go shopping at Topman."

Thursday, 19 November 2009

French philosophers to debate 'What is a handball?'

Thierry Henry's intervention in the vital World Cup playoff in Paris has provoked the entire nation of France to debate the question of 'Can one really handle a ball or is it just a state of mind?' Some of France's most celebrated minds are pondering the issue of whether Henry was committing an egregious foul or simply posing a metaphysical conundrum. Robert Gignac, of the Institute de Flimflam, described what happened as a political gesture, "For me, the handball is a revolutionary act. I don't know how but if we look through a glass and we see a spider knitting itself into a wasp, who is to say that is wrong? I rest my case."

Other Gallic penseurs have come forward with their own theories. Alain Dubedubedoo said, "In my estimation, he was providing us with an essential truth. Because we are descended from Adam, a fallen man, we are all guilty of a handball during all of our lives. So when we touch the ball with our hands and then do it again, and then pretend that we did nothing of the sort until we are confronted with the proof, what we are really doing is confirming ourselves as individuals. But if the Irish players had done it, they would be knobs."

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

T-Mobile to reveal your darkest fears

Mobile phone users across the country are being warned that their innermost anxieties and phobias are being used by mobile phone companies to increase the number of people signing up for their text message packages. Private data released by rogue T-Mobile staff means that all of their customers’ habits, dreams and desires are in the public domain. These can be used to manipulate those who would never ever sign up to any deal that features an association with something that scares them stiff. Hundreds of customers have reported instances of coercion based around the themes of “bat fury” and “a dawn raid from clowns.”

Gemma Pilsbury was a Vodafone customer coming to the end of her contract when she received a cold call from a person representing another company. “They told me that they could offer me a better deal. I said no, I was happy with Vodafone. Then they said that all Vodafone customers were required to do some public speaking as part of their contract renewal. I just froze up as I’ve never been able to speak in public. Ever since I saw Ricky Gervais at the Diana memorial concert.

“I signed up to Orange that very instant and ever since then my life has fallen apart. I’ve lost friends, I can’t sleep at night and I can never get any bloody signal.”

Joe Larkten was another such victim. “I got a call from Virgin who said that if I signed up to a two year deal, they would be able to rescue me from the swarm of bees who would lock me in a confined space. I can’t believe they would use such manipulative tactics like that. To target someone at their weakest and most vulnerable. Although the amount of free minutes I get each month is outstanding.”

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Delight as I’m A Celebrity contestants work out why each other is famous

It is the Eureka moment that could set the series of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ to be one of the defining television shows of the year as the contestants finally work out how on earth they are deemed to be celebrities. Creator of the show, Vince Nevor, explained why this year’s show appeared to be consisting of bag ladies and people purloined from chicken sexing plants. “We had to shake up the whole system. We’ve got to question the whole nature of celebrity and get people to ask, ‘Are these celebrities or simply people who have been on TV?’. It’s very Samuel Becket. According to my researcher.“

The series exploded into life with the arrival of Katie Price, the model formerly known as Jordan who formerly was quite pretty until she took a scalpel to her face. Until then, the cast had been stalking each other like panthers, unsure whether they were in the presence of celebrity or just a dick in a cork hat. With the introduction of Katie Price, Lucy Benjamin stammered, “It’s that one, the one who has got massive funbags and pretends to write books. This must be a reality TV show!”

This set off a spiral of discoveries as each began to recognise one another. Kim Woodburn was the next to be worked out and formerly unmasked as the person who is filmed telling other people that they are living in filth. Questions still remain over Justin Ryan who keeps on telling the others that he is the star of the BBC Three documentary, My Inguinal Hernia and Me. But the others are not so sure. The one that used to be in Mystique but now sells hats has her doubts. “I’m sure he’s served in me in KFC,” said the one that used to be in Mystique but now sells hats.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Nurses to be patronised to degree level

A radical new shake up of Britain’s nursing system means that any doctor wishing to patronise a nurse with either “Sweetheart”, “Honeycheeks” or “Saucy thighs” will have to add the suffix “BA (Hons)” at the end. The new regulations also mean that nurses can no longer be chased around hospital wards to the sounds of the Benny Hill theme tune.

Chief of nursing Deborah Barnhart praised the new levels of professionalism. “I’m delighted about the advances that are being made. I gather that in the new Carry on film, Carry On Administering Care Whilst Appreciating the Financial Constraints Under Which the NHS is Operating, the Kenneth Williams stand-in will exclaim such things as ‘Oh Matron, I say, that's a bit of a big one. By one I mean the funding for your MPhil.’”

The heightened stringency of the new regulations has filtered down to the wards with patients getting used to the new levels of professionalism. Nurse Beth Cartwright told her story about her experiences. “I had one chap, an elderly gentleman, who I was tending to. I turned around and felt him slap me on the bum. I turned back and he said, ‘Nice thesis darling. I thought your examination of the effect of improved food production in post-industrial Britain on infant mortality rates was smashing.’ I smiled, turned away and then withdrew his sodium drip when he wasn’t looking. He completely missed the point of my paper.”

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Sun’s fury over child’s letter to Santa

We are in the midst of Christmas season and children are beginning to beg Santa for presents. Some are wishing for X-Boxes, some are wishing for remote control cars and some are wishing that some politician would have the balls to have the conviction to enact social change in spite of corporate interests that stipulate that all of Western society must be born and remain as passive consumers who believe that forever purchasing commodities will provide some temporary happiness rather than having to develop any kind of adult faculties which are necessary to confront the desolate waste of existence, which previous civilisations have engaged with rather than going down the route of deluding itself with Ben Stiller movies.

But the whole nature of Christmas has been thrown into disrepair after the revelation of a child’s letter to Santa. The missive in question detailed the wishes to Santa but has been shown to be replete with mistakes. Father Christmas was dismayed at the lack of spelling and grammar in the letter sent to him. In a special report, the Sun newspaper reported the scandal as “Kidz Take Santa 4 A Wanka”. The letter which has been posted in the newspaper, reveals the level of ineptitude including such errors as “I waana ponee and sheeut.”

Editor of the Sun Dominic Lackey said, “We are doing are duty as highlighting the abuse that someone like Father Christmas suffers in a way that boosts our sales. No-one like Santa who helps all those that have been nice should ever have to suffer non-coverage in our paper.”

Father Christmas said, “She just got some spelling wrong, who gives a sheeut?”

Thursday, 5 November 2009

FA 'must up its game' say freeloading parasites

It's the handbag that might derail England's chance of getting the World Cup in 2018. A seemingly innocuous gift to the visiting members of the FIFA committee has angered one delegate so much that he has been unable to hold onto all his freebies. "It is an insult to my honour and my dignity," said Warner, stuffing his pockets with vol au vents, "I could not look at myself in the new mirror I was given by Japan."

Warner's wife is sad to be distraught at losing the handbag but the FIFA official stands by his principles. "To be treated like this is a sham. In Brazil, they sacrificed a goat in my honour and named a sewage treatment plant after me. In England, they gave a fricking purse. Do they know who I am? I'm the guy that does stuff."

Another FIFA delegate agreed with Warner's stance, insisting that while England had the infrastructure, the stadiums and the capabilities to host a World Cup, they still had a long way to go in greasing up the jobsworths that make up the voting committee. "We're used to the finer things in life, I want to see cheeks on my bottom."

Warner gave a hint of the standards that the FA had to meet. "I want a pony, a tricycle, two houses made out of diamond and my own island that is dedicated to street theatre. Also, I want a parade each day where people say how lovely I am and everyone to be covered in glitter and there to be fireworks at the end that spell out 'Jack Warner is special and we all love him'. And I want another pony."

Asked if that would finally persuade him to vote for England, Warner replied, "No. Australia said they would give a ride in a fire engine."

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Al Gore's new eco-film is a masterpiece say converted

It was the cinematic warning of the oncoming apocalypse, a portent so terrifying that it launched a million recycling campaigns, brought about Live Earth but didn't really do that much to stop us f**king up the planet. So now, celebrity eco-campaigner and winner of American Airlines Accumulated Air Miles 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 Al Gore will present his latest attempt at persuading humanity to lead a more environmentally friendly lifestyle. And those that have seen Our Choice: A Plan To Keep St. Tropez Nice are declaring it to be a film that concurs with their fundamental beliefs.

In his new film, Gore attempts to reach those who are not influenced by scientific fact but whose level of self-satisfied smugness means that they think that they are capable of changing the world by themselves. "Laying out the facts just won't work," said Gore, "which means we've got to rely on fiction and fairy stories to try and persuade them. Although a lot of people believe in a big man in the sky created the world, we need to make them think that he is telling them to recycle teabags."

Viewers of the film are ecstatic at the message that they themselves agree with. Richard Pilsby, a member of the Green party and part time tree said, "I'm going to go out right now and keep doing the things I was doing before. But even more so!" Claire Danns, a keen eco-warrior said, "It has honestly changed my life. Not that it has influenced me in any way but that I wasted two hours of my life on that drivel."

Monday, 2 November 2009

Government to base its drugs policy on things overheard down the pub

Following the sacking of the government's chief drugs adviser, David Nutt, the Home Secretary Alan Johnson has announced that it will be formulating a new drugs policy based on hearsay, old wives' tales and a story about how some geezer took speed and got turned into a fire extinguisher.

Nutt was forced out of his job on Friday after insisting that facts be used as a guide to reality. "The man was a troublemaker from the start," said Johnson, "On my first day, I asked him to make me a hoverboard and an ice-cream maker in the shape of a lion's head. He said that he didn't do that sort of thing and I told that made him a pretty awful scientist."

Nutt was responsbile for a series of public relations disasters, such as insisting that taking ecstacy was less dangerous than horse riding. Top equestrian Erica Lotterby questioned the findings. "Horse riding is indeed dangerous as is taking ecstacy. However, if you combine the two, they actually cancel each other out. Because if you're on a horse and on ecstacy, you're likely to hold the horse closer to you because it's just so lovely."

Johnson has promised that he will no longer be reliant on the dogma of scientific fact and will be sticking to rehashing sensationalist bunkum from the red tops. "It's important that people don't take drugs," said Johnson, "the untaxed drugs of course. For instance, if you take cocaine, your whole body becomes like a giant whistle. Smoking marajuana makes your spine homesick and every time you take a tab of LSD, part of the Pacific Ocean is executed by lethal injection. Fact."

Friday, 30 October 2009

Halloween special: X-Factor preview

It's nearly time for Halloween, a time when the Earth is haunted by the spirits of the undead and the foul and most wretched creatures are seen throughout the land. Which is why it's time for a preview of this week's X-Factor.

It's week 4 and the nerves are beginning to show. Who will be the first to crack? Who will fall and be consigned to walk the open mike circuit in pubs across the country until they get a real job? Who will be the first to show one ounce of charisma, making them totally unsuitable for warbling the emotionally manipulative pap the eventual winner will be forced to churn out for eons? The Chum Bucket looks at the runners and riders of the show that defies description. Other than "A show that showcases braindead cretins who are judged by cash-hungry whores, which is watched by fuckwits." Good times!

Up first it's those loveable twins John and Edward Grimes have been described as talentless, unable to sing and are destroying the credibility of the show. Which is saying something for a show dogged by vote rigging, psychological torture of its contestants and featuring Dannii Minouge as a judge for good singing. But these spritely young fellows have a lot on their side. The fact that objective analysis is a stranger to the voting public. Robert Lister, a truck driver from Norwich said, "I just do whatever annoys Simon Cowell, that'll show the big fat money maker, making money from all the calls I'm making and giving him money."

Next is the guy with the big hair, Frank or Worrell or something. Judge Cheryl Cole speaks very highly of him or him or whoever it is. "Dennis or Shane or something has got that special something. It's niceness or pleasantness or inoffensiveness or possibly something that I just can't put my finger on. If Nigel or Sarah or Lizzie can win over the hearts of the people, he's got every chance of winning. Or losing. I just don't know. Don't ask me, I'm too pretty to talk."

Then there is some other guy or a girl or a horse or a cabinet full of jelly or some 17-year old from stage school who'll cry or some stuff like that. For f**ks sake, whatever happened to this country? We used to produce rock stars like Mick Jagger, Keith Moon and David Bowie, people who took music and infused it with soul, purpose and passion. Now? Now we're just left with a bunch of prissy, no-talent, karoake-singing bums who just stand there, showing no kind of - [Ed - and we'll leave it there. The Chum Bucket blogger will be taking a period of extended leave. Happy Halloween everyone!]

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Media hype over Arsenal's youngsters the best yet, say experts

A narrow 2-1 victory over Liverpool's reserves completed and the verdict is in. Those who saw the game all agree to a man that the media hype surrounding Arsenal's second XI could be one of the finest that the country has ever produced. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has urged fans not to get too excited about the hyperbole although he himself admits that the over-exaggeration of some young people kicking a ball around a field could go on to do great things.

"We've had some great knee-jerk reactions in the past," said Wenger, "and if you're going to blow smoke up someone's arse, you need time to develop that level of overblown copy. But I have to say that this sensationalism could surpass them all. I'm talking tabloid coverage of an England World Cup campaign here."

The reasons to get excited about the level of hot air are many. Examples include The Daily Telegraph's Bob Newby who is the heartbeat of the side, spraying out glib platitudes from his position in centre midfield. Up front is the livewire forward from The Sun Eric 'The Hack' Webber. Although temperamental, Webber is capable of unleashing a barrage of effusive descriptions that may or may not have any kind of inherent meaning.

Many who were at the game will fondly remember his praise for Arsenal's Aaron Ramsey. "He's got hawk DNA!" yelled Webber, blowing away anyone who tried to comprehend what he was saying.

Media commentator on media commentary, Professor Julia Evincer of the University of Ersatz Academia said that these journalists were indeed on their way to being the biggest bunch of windbags in a generation. "We won't see their like again. Well, until next year."

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

MPs fight for the right to employ the only people that don't hate them

The backlash against Christopher Kelly's report into MPs expsenses has begun with MPs insisting that they should be allowed to employ family members on the grounds that everyone else thinks that they are scum. MPs claim that they have tried to hire ordinary members of the public in the past but the results have disastrous. Minister for the Cabinet, Tessa Jowell, revealed her difficulties with the recommended practice. "It was a nightmare. I had one secretary work just one morning in my department. The next I heard, she had decided to jump off a bridge. It's only my daughter who can put up with me. And that's only because I'm putting her through nursery."

Tory MP David Wilshire told of his problems in hiring outside help. "I interviewed one promising secretary and things seemed to be going well. I said 'What are your strengths?' She said, 'Good typing, I'm diligent and I have a good phone manner.' When I asked her about her weaknesses, she replied, 'I'll be poisoning your tea.' Now my wife and I may have some disagreements such as her screaming 'I hate your fat, pudgy, good for nothing face!' every time she wakes up. But it's never gotten to the point where I thought she was going to do put mousetraps in the filing cabinet."

A compromise should hopefully be reached over the issue of expsense with Kelly expected to implement a quota of outright thievery. Kelly said, "Of course the public are angry about the amount of greed and trough-guzzling that has been going on. But then again there's been public anger over so many things that MPs are quite used to it now. The war, cash for honours, the recession, I could go on. So it's important that we set a level of permissible larceny so everyone can stop getting angry and concentrate on X-Factor or whatever plemogram is occupying their time."

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Swine flu pandemic forces footballers to confront real life

The spread of swine flu amongst the Premier League's top teams is threatening to derail the rest of the football season with many of the league's top stars laid low after having to confront reality. The knock-on effect of catching the virus is that many of the players no longer have any hiding place from things that they thought only affected the poor. Peter Crouch, of Tottenham Hotspur, was in shock over the revelations. "This sort of thing does make you think, which I pay a lot of money to people so that they can do that for me."

Such is the impact that swine flu has made on footballers' consciousnesses that it has led to question every aspect of their existence. James Beattie, of Stoke City, spoke of the epiphany that he had recently undergone. "It was amazing. One morning I woke up and I suddenly realised that I had no idea of how to dress myself. Normally my eagle butler does that for me but ever since Mr. Tuttle has been put in quarantine, it's been a real struggle. If anybody does have any idea about to put clothes on, could you get in touch?"

The Premier League however is confident that footballers will soon be able to return to the bubble in which they live. A spokesman for the organisation said that measures have been taken to stop the spread of reality impacting on its members. From now on all football changing rooms are to sealed off from anyone who has tested positive for earning less than forty grand a week.

Monday, 26 October 2009

Pope: Turn Catholic and win a fridge!

The Catholic church has announced its largest recruiting drive in a generation with the Vatican offering members of the Anglican community wholesale conversions in Rome and the chance to win big, big prizes. The items on offer range from teatowels to all-ivory cutlery to sewing accessories.

In his statement, the pontiff Pope Benedict XVI made his message about the chance to join the papacy. Speaking on the QVC Shopping and Religious Affairs Channel, the Pope said, "Hi, I'm Joseph and I'm here to talk to you today about the wonderful benefits of Catholicism. You know, people often say to me 'Hey Jo, I want to get to heaven but I belong to a branch of Christianity that does not hold to a literal interpretation of the Bible. There's got to be an easier way!' Well help is at hand.

"Our conversions to the Catholic faith are out of this world. If you're not satisfied with the acceptance of transubstantiation and the promotion of the Tridentine mass, I'll whip a monkey. I like the product so much, I run the whole damn business!"

The invitation by the Pope has drawn criticism from the Anglican Church who are desperate not to lose any more believers from their dwindling flock. The Archbishop of Canterbury said, "Catholicism may offer many things such as moral absolutism, hotter women and the chance to win a new kitchen in the colour of your choice.

"But the Church of England can offer a great deal of things to any interested worshipper. Things such as cup of tea plus the chance to opt back in when you're faced with imminent death. Name me one other branch of Christianity that does that. Other than the Unitarians, the Baptists and the one where they worship Jesus in the form of a leopard."

However, many within the Church of England fear the pull of the papacy, especially given the Catholic church's unveiling of its new slogan: "The Catholic church: Because we know what you've done."

Friday, 23 October 2009

Economists face their longest ever stretch of being wrong

The country is still in recession with with no-one sure about where the next pound will show up. And now, newly released figures showing that Britain is facing a long stretch of having no economists who know what they are f**king talking about. The period of having to suffer thick-brained experts who have the temerity to call themselves doctors could be the longest in the country's history.

Rob Logan, a civil servant working under Chancellor Alistair Darling, despaired at the lack of any kind of economic expert in the country. "I had one in the other day from Manchester University. He promised the recession would soon be over. I asked him how he knew. He said the elf choir that live in the custard tree had promised it. I asked him to show me the proof but he had forgotten which plastic bag his papers were in. Incredible. I had to pay five grand for that."

Economists are quick to defend their theories and are keen to stress that the recession will be over soon. Professor Edward Quinlack of the Ersatz Institute of Academia has given his approval to economic growth. "If my theories are correct, we should see unparalled growth in every sector that it is left in the year. This is because the moon is crying and the half-pig man will shortly be married to the elventh son of the blossom king. And if that doesn't produce economic growth, I don't know what will. Now I'd like twenty grand please."

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Millions expected to watch Question Time pantomime special

The BBC is looking forward to bumper viewing figures ahead of its Question Time pantomime special. Normally home to plodding political debate, this week's programme will tell the story of evil BNP leader Nick Griffin and his quest to steal a magic lamp from a sleeping beauty giant with a magic beanstalk. In boots. The programme will have the familiar interactive element with the audience able to boo every time Griffin says, "Now I'm not a racist but...', to which the audience will shout, "Oh yes you are!"

Other roles include Jack Straw who will play a brave but feeble-minded prince whilst his floundering and even more feeble-minded sidekick will feature Liberal Democrat Home Affairs spokesman Chris Huhne.

The roles of the Aesthetically-challenged Sisters will be taken by Bonnie Greer and Baronness Warsi. Veteran broadcaster David Dimbleby will take up the role of Buttons, the lovable scamp who will finish the night with a song.

A BBC insider said, "We're really excited about this. We're getting candy floss, toffee apples and everything. Some might say that this just shows how pathetic mainstream politics has become, that we're reduced to some childish bantering backwards and forwards without actually discussing the vital issues of the day. But those people I would say this, there's fricking candy floss!"

There has been a fair amount of controversy over Griffin's appearance but the BNP leader seems unfazed by it all. "Listen darling," said Griffin, "I've been in this game for a long time and I've seen it all. I've had eggs thrown at me, been jeered and do you know what, I've loved every minute of it. That's what it's all about, getting a rise out of people. You don't think I believe all that stuff about racial segregation do you? It's a laugh darling, I'll do a little goose step, casually drop in a reference to Oswald Moseley and make a joke about wearing a brown shirt. It's all giggles luvvie, just giggles."

One person working on the programme who asked to remain anonymous said, "This is a f**king travesty."

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Goldman Sachs: Society worth destroying in pursuit of bonuses

Chairman of Goldman Sachs, Lord Griffiths, has insisted that society must be willing to collapse to allow bankers their rightful bonuses. The chairman of the bank told a captive audience that the public must learn to tolerate inequality in bankers' pay for a greater investment in the economy.

Speaking at the dinner, Griffiths said, "Say I am pissing in your face and laughing as I do it. Now, you may say to me, 'Excuse me but you've urinated in my face and are giggling whilst continuing to spew forth a large amount of piss into my face.' I would say to you that yes, I am soaking your face in effulent and having a riotous time whilst I'm at it. But at least I am taking the time to give you a golden shower and then possibly crap in your hair afterwards. I could be doing this with someone else you lucky, lucky devil.

"If we are to go forward as a society, those of us not pressing buttons and hoping numbers go up must be prepared to accept a large amount of piss coming their way. It's the only fair way. Although I'm not immune to the pains of society. It pains me to see a child out on the streets. Because that child could be working down a mine or in a clothing factory. But yet it's just lying there, wasting its time and not being economically viable."

Mr Griffiths finished his remarks before heading onto London's streets with a large net on a reported "recruitment drive."

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Police to investigate The Daily Mail for being The Daily Mail

Police are set to investigate Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir after ten of thousands of people complained about her article on Stephen Gately's death being filled with some of the worst kind of Daily Mail imaginable. Constable Alec Peters confirmed that he would be looking into the offending article. "If there's been a complaint made about vitriolic abuse, incitement of hatred and clear instances of Daily Mail, then we have to investigate."

The uproar over Moir's article is a result of her insinuation that Gately's death due to natural causes was linked to him being a homosexual. "Sure, there might be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this tragedy which might be established by some scientific method," wrote Moir, "But that's exactly what gays want you to believe. That way it won't seem strange when they crawl into our ears at night and lay their eggs."

Editor of the Daily Mail, Paul Dacre, defended the article. "Yes the article did contain clear elements of prejudice," said Dacre, "there was also quite a bit of ignorance and factual inaccurarcy too. But the again, if you're going to establish editorial guidelines, they need to be maintained."

The publication of the article caused an outbreak of outrage, ironically the same type that is normally fermented by the Daily Mail in response to programmes it hasn't seen. One of the plaintives was Greg Halford who posted: "As a gay man, I have taken some abuse over my sexuality. I've been shouted at, beaten up and called all kinds of horrendous names. But I have never had to put up with this sort of Daily Mail. It beggars belief"

Monday, 19 October 2009

Benitez blames freak goal on crap team

Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez has laid the blame for his side's defeat at Sunderland on a complete shambles of a team who cannot tell a football from a giant red inflatable beach ball. "I have gone over this many times in training with them," said the Liverpool manager. "A football is a generally white object that is also round. A giant red beach ball is not. Some may say it is a freak goal that shouldn't have ever been given.

"But I say that it just shows that this is a shower of footballers put together for an outrageous amount of money that still can't clear their f**king box. How are we going to defend against a rampaging Real Madrid team featuring Ronaldo, Kaka and Benzema if we're completely bedevilled by a f**king beach ball? What a bunch of f**kers!"

Many managers have come to Benitez's defence, insisting that putting out a useless team is something that can happen to any manager. Former England boss Steve Mclaren lent his support saying, "It's happened to me so many times that it's not even worth bothering myself about. I've done everything I can to get a win and then up pops a complete bunch of no-hopers with Scott Carson in goal."

Friday, 16 October 2009

Beckham's man of the match award 'an affront to God'

Giving David Beckham the man of the match award for his performance against Belarus will surely bring about a wave of annihilation and pestilence of biblical proportions according to top football pundits. Floods, locusts and pillars of fire raining down upon the country from a great height are the best that the nation can hope for given the offence caused.

The award has invoked such an almighty furore that the only way for Western civilisation to save itself is to sacrifice Owen Hargreaves by burning him at the stake whilst Peter Crouch does his robot celebration to the tune of Will Young's cover of Light My Fire.

Jeff Powell, of the Daily You're Not From Around Here Are You? insisted that the award given to the man who had been kicking a football around a field should have gone to another man who had been kicking a football around a field for a bit longer and had probably done a bit better. Yet the man who had been kicking a football around a field and had done some good kicking had got the award instead. "It's a travesty," said Powell, "If we don't give the award to the right man kicking a ball around a field then where are we as a nation? I'll tell you where. The Island of Dung, that's where."

Steve Bruce, the man who has brought the almighty wrath of God upon the nation, defended his choice of player. "For me, David Beckham was the best kicker of the ball on the rectanglar piece of grass. I know Peter Crouch kicked the ball into the net twice but I just felt that David's kicking on the grass gave him the edge. So I'm sorry that we'll all burn in an almighty flood of fire and sulphur but I stand by my choice of good kicker."

A spokesperson for the Almighty confirmed that the Blessed Lord who is all-knowing, all-seeing and all-loving would have gone for Gareth Barry.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Celebrities in mad rush to be photographed with disappearing Arctic ice

It is the crisis that everyone feared but never thought would come crashing down like a twat's fist in Leona Lewis's face. Now the worse fears of a generation have been realised. How will Madonna find time for a photoshoot with the Arctic's vanishing ice caps whilst continuing to pump out disco anthems for gay men in their forties? It seems like the frozen wasteland has refused to reschedule its imminent destruction, which has put the perfectly set nose of many today's celebrity ecowarriors out of joint.

Sting is said to be particularly irate at what is going on. "We've got to do something before it's too late. I am willing to make a sacrifice never previously seen before in the history of mankind. Forget Oscar Schindler, forget Jesus and forget Mother Theresa. If the ice caps start growing again, I'll delay recording my next album featuring Albanian orphans on spoons and which ever ethnic music is fashionable at the moment."

The inhabitants of the Arctic have also become anxious over their future. One polar bear named Vince Cornfoy confirmed his worries about his imminent demise. "This is my livelihood. I've got a shoot with Vogue to get done plus there's the 2010 cutsie wutsie calendar to get finished off.

"There's the next series of Blue Planet to fit in plus I'm told that Woody Allen wants to set his next movie here. Apparently I'm up for a neurotic misanthrope who constantly has sex with younger female polar bears. If these ice caps go, where am I going to go? The only place that's whiter than the Arctic is Kensington. And that's not cheap." Mr. Cornfoy did confirm that he remains available for acting work, corporate events and collaborations with Damon Albarn.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Ryanair passengers to power their own flights

He has proposed a charge for using the toilet, a tax on those that cannot avoid stuffing their mouth with chips and asks for money for the simple task of checking in. Now Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary has unveiled his lastest plan for annoying every other single airline on the planet. From next year, Ryanair passengers will be allowed to remain in their seats or be able to take advantage of a discount and power their flight through an extensive session on a treadmill.

O'Leary defended the proposed venture saying, "Have you seen the price of fuel these days? It's ridiculous. And you see all these people on the plane, just sitting there, not doing a fecking thing apart from reading or desperately holding on whilst the only toilet is in use.

"I thought to myself, the plane's doing all the work here. These lazy feckers are having the time of the lives, buying crappy sandwiches and paying over the odds for drinks. Let's get 'em working."

Trial runs of the new scheme have already been tried with some success. Around one hundred and forty people were able to give a Boeing 747 a jump start and the galleys that keep the wings flapping have been operating at near full efficiency.

Less successful have been the attempts to replace the breaking devices with people holding their hands against the ground as they try and bring the plane to a stop. One passenger Edward Bridges told of his attempts to scrimp money back. "I was one of the people trying to make the plane skid to a halt by dragging my feet outside the window. But all we ended up doing was crashing into the terminal and taking several layers of skin off my hand. But I did save thirty quid. Nice one!"

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Robbie Williams' next album to be the last fuelled by hatred of Gary Barlow

Robbie Williams is back. After three years of cultivating facial hair that only a leper colony could love and time spent chasing the UFOs that only seem to appear to mad people, the fat dancer from Take That makes his return. His new album is released next month and is rumoured to be based around world events and ruminations on pretty girls rather than why Gary Barlow is no-talent jarhead who is really jealous of Robbie because he got to do it with which ever one of the Appleton sisters from All Saints was available.

The feud between the two reached epic heights when Barlow hit back at Robbie in a song called Everyone Knows That It's Guy Chambers Who Does All The Work. In response to this, Williams decided that enough was enough and he deserved to have his say through song. Now writing without Chambers, Williams came up with the reggae smash Mr Smelly, which featured the lyrics "Mr Smelly, that's Gary Barlow/He's so fat, he flies in cargo". The single failed to chart and was panned across by most five year olds who make up the majority of Williams's fans.

Williams now insists that he is a changed man. "I've matured as a person, I've really grown up and I'm no longer addicted to painkillers, cocaine, heroin, iron railings, shoe polish, remote controls and chicken jalfrezi. I no longer touch bike pumps, orange squash, pencil sharpeners and Now That's What I Call Music 48. I know that I'll always be an addict but if I can just stay off acid, Vicodin, the poetry of Erza Pound, mops plus all that stuff I mentioned earlier, I know I'll stay happy. Although I could really do with some crack."

Monday, 12 October 2009

MPs to reject report which claims they are utter shits

The auditor looking into the legitimacy of MPs expenses has compiled his report and the picture he has drawn is much the same as a seven year old's attempt to capture the Cornwall countryside; not pretty. Sir Thomas Legg's findings will show that a small minority of MPs are not taking advantage of their role as representatives of the people. However, the rest are the worst kind of scumbags known to humanity whose self-inflated sense of importance allows them to gorge on expenses because they feel they can pride themselves on twelve solid years of helping the country to go down the toilet.

But given that a large majority are contemptible jackasses whose only real talent is implementing mediocrity on a nationwide scale, most MPs are set to reject Legg's findings in order to keep themselves in gold-plated everything.

Ann Widdicombe, Conservative MP feels that she has done nothing wrong. "I have acted within the rules the entire time. Within the rules that I created obviously, which means that I decide what's right and wrong. So if I choose to be wrong, I will be. But I won't because I'm great."

Many of the MPs feel that the expenses are necessary for their work. John Mann, Labour MP, is insistent that they are required. "I have an exceptionally hard job to do and these expenses allow me to do that job. A job that requires not implementing regulation for the banking sector leading to the biggest recession ever seen in the Western world. A job that goes a long way to increasing the gap between rich and poor, leading to a more unequal society and a job that requires the continued loss of civil liberties. Which is why I need a swimming pool the size of Carlisle. In each wing. In each of my houses."

Friday, 9 October 2009

Trafalgar Square plinth breaks barrier of a million shouts of "Prick!"

It happened at 3:29 this morning. Derek Combes, a video clerk from Hounslow who had been on the lash in celebration of his friend's eleventh divorce in six years, was walking through Trafalgar Square. Up on the plinth was Eric Potter, an amateur magician from Rickmansworth as part of the 'Aren't Common People Interesting Too?' installation by Anthony Gormley. Eric's allotted hour had not been going well. The doves he had intended to release had already been eaten by the pigeons and his card trick had been a failure due someone taking fifteen minutes to overcome the twenty foot drop between the plinth and the ground to "take a card, any card."

It was at this point that Combes made his own inadvertent piece of history. Casually walking by he happened to look up and see Potter's attempts to make a hat disappear. The botched job meant that the only missing item was Potter's dignity. Expressing his contempt for the entire operation, Combes emitted the millionth "Prick!" delivered at the performers on the plinth. To mark this piece of history, a firework display was unleashed and a thousand doves took to the sky to spell out PRICK in synchronised formation.

Chief curator of the installation, Michael Billingham, was delighted to have reached the million prick mark. "We've had a phenomenal response from the general public. They've been really imaginative with their choice of insults. We had four thousand 'arseholes' on the first day alone, we're about to cross the one hundred thousand 'twat' line and it's been another bumper day for 'turdlicker'."

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Postal strike to leave millions stranded without junk mail

The members of the postal union CWU have voted for industrial action by a majority of 3-1. The irony of postal workers deciding to take any sort of action seems to have been lost on at least 75% of those voting. The ramifications of this vote mean that the country will have to go for long stretches of time without important documents that they could easily get by email.

Sales worker Ellen Hutt said, "I'm devastated. Where am I going to get my bank records? Oh wait, they're all online. I'll just Skype my landlord to let him know that his rent will be on its way."

But for those people who are so lonely that junk mail is their only communication with the outside world, the results could be devastating. Secretary Pam Finesse is anxious about missing out on letters that advertise crap she does not need. "I just love getting a message about loans that I would never ever take in a million years. I'm very happy with my phone company but it's just nice to know that there is another one offering outstanding rates."

Civil servant Gordon Bloom describes the levels of desperation reached after a period without any mail. "There was a man pushing Indian takeaway menus through the door. I ran outside, hugged him tightly and said, 'You're a hero young man'. He then ran off before calling me a freak from the end of the road."

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Obama to snub William 'Braveheart' Wallace to appease the English

Following on from President Obama's snub of the Dalai Lama in order to ensure good tax breaks from China, the leader of the United States has confirmed that he will not be meeting with noted terroriser of the English armies, William 'Braveheart' Wallace. The reason behind this is a calculated endorsement of the relationship between the United States and the small island which sometimes proves useful as a military base in times of international conflict.

A spokesperson for the White House issued the following statement, "Although we are delighted to welcome Mr. Wallace and his band of pillagers and looters to our nation's capital, the President will be too busy dealing with other matters to talk to him about his issues of the importance of investing in shortbread and increased taxation on any food that isn't deep fried and covered in 'sos'."

Mr. Wallace was understandably furious at the snub saying, "Es tipical o these political c*nts. Ah got things to talk aboot but thae no wanna listen. Ah come all thus way by longboat to talk to the President but he's nae having it. Ah thot this wooz the land o the free boot it nae is. Youse all a bunch a c*nts."

Monday, 5 October 2009

Cameron to bring back the workhouse

The Conservative party has unveiled its plans to build neo-Dickensian holding spaces for the workshy and the smelly. The new communes will feature up-to-date facilities such as the most modern delousing equipment and brand spanking new recreational spaces where the dregs of society will be able to spend the time in which they are not required to spend 18 hours breaking up rocks banging their heads against a wall. A Conservative spokesperson said, "We see this as a really exciting opportunity for scum."

The Tories plans seem to have caught the mood of the nation. Reg Dwyer, a baker from Luton said, "I personally think it's a good idea. For too long these people who have been left behind by successive governments without the necessary training and education have been given a free ride. You see them loitering in the streets, drinking and smoking and really not contributing to a society that sees them as useless."

The Conservatives have been keen to stress that this new policy does not rule out payments to those unable to work. Benefits will be allocated to anyone who has suffered an injury whilst playing polo, choking on lobster parfait or thrashing their butler. The workhouses will also be rebranded to ensure a positive sheen on the whole backbreaking experience. The properties will not be known as workhouses but as "Scrubbers' Retreats".

Thursday, 1 October 2009

The Brooke Shields photo debate: Is it pornography or just shite art?

It's the question that has got the art world buzzing and furiously musing over glasses of Viognier and nibbles. Does the photo of a naked ten-year old Brooke Shields constitue pornography or is it simply a piece of hack sensationalism that is frequently passed for art by braindead divs? The Chum Bucket asks for both sides of the debate with the columnist from The Daily You're Not From Around Here Are You? Carole Bismuth and artist and freelance crackwhore Dashiell Getarealjob taking up the challenge.

String the photo up says Carole Bismuth

First of all, I'll admit that it takes little to get me outraged. Every time I wake up and open the curtains, I am so appalled by what I see in the world that I spew invective at anyone I see. I then ask my maid, Zevitsa, to type up what I have screamed at her and formulate it into some sort of column.

However, when I heard someone gossiping about what they had read about the reports of this controversy, my hackles were raised to such a degree that Zevitsa could not understand what I was saying and I had to be sedated. This isn't art at all. Constable, that's art. A picture of a village green in the 18th century, now that is saying something. It says things are so nice, why ask questions?

Today's artists have lost all sense of what they are supposed to do. Are they here to challenge people's views? Are they here to comment on society and its peculiar attitudes to children and sexuality? No. They are here to produce nice pictures that can hang on my wall so that when people come to my house, they can say "Oh, you've got such nice taste" and I can say "Yes, yes I have."

The photo must remain says Dashiell Getarealjob

What is art? Is it a painting? Is it a photo of a man playing Swingball with a potato? Is it the recreation of the Battle of Ypres using only dancing question marks? Is it an installation piece where a monkey learns to play the clarinet whilst three hundred mice are shot for treason? No, this is all borgeouis make-believe and highly silly.

The very essence of art is to feel, to experience a furious range of emotions and to question how much people are willing to pay for the corpses of three hundred mice and a woodwind-playing primate called Fizzy.

That is why I believe the photo must remain in the gallery. Because what is art if it does not question? What is art if it does not arouse in people the urge to say "That is child pornography, pure and simple and has no place in a gallery"? This is exactly the type of inciendary sensation that I will attempt to stir up with my next installation piece, Man Loitering In A Clump Of Bushes Next To A Spanish Language School. I will be that man.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Bandwagon jumper jumps on the bandwagon of bandwagon jumper

The Sun newspaper has come out in favour of Conservative leader David Cameron as well as Manchester United, cute puppies and Keeley Hazell. The editor of the paper, Dominic Monahan, explained the decision to back the Tories was based on the fact taht their leader was as shallow and superficial as The Sun. "He'll do anything for a vote like we'll do anything for a sale. Buy tomorrow's paper for a free DVD about how to get a cheap holiday with guaranteed Premiership footballers' tits."

The Sun has a history of backing winners in general elections although it is notoriously cautious when giving its endorsement. It only came out for Tony Blair just six weeks before the 1997 election and was cagey on Robert Mugabe's chances of getting re-elected last year. The previous editor of the paper, Rebekah Wade, famously ummed and ahed before coming out with the headline 'Mugabe: he's not torturing that many!"

However, the Sun has got it wrong on one occasion. Its endorsement of F.W. de Klerk over Nelson Mandela in the 1994 South African general election was one of the biggest editorial gaffes of all time. Mike Hack, political editor of the paper at the time, gave his reasons for his support of the leader of the racist National Party. "I just thought he had the mood of the people."

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Brown to give the most mental speech ever

Ahead of what will be the most speech of his political career, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed to his aides that his speech at the Labour Conference will be one of the most ludicrous pieces of rhetoric ever heard. One aide revealed that Brown has asked for five hundred chickens to be released as he takes to the stage. The collected poultry will then join Brown in a hearty rendition of showtunes whilst a troupe of schoolchildren arm wrestle. After the chickens have been cleared, Brown will construct a harp out of fudge before kicking a lion's head off.

Brown's plans have left many observers keen to see what happens. Alex Cho, a delegate at the conference said, "It's one thing fixing the economy but it's another thing entirely to remember all the lyrics from Cats."

The content of Brown's speech is intended to focus on crime, public spending cuts and his imaginary adventures as one of the Three Musketeers. One of Brown's aides said, "Throughout his tenure as Prime Minister, Gordon has had a real affinity with Porthos, the cool one, and he wants to tell people about it."

For the second half of his speech, Brown will acknowledge the continued for investment in education. He will follow this by stripping off and taking to a jacuzzi filled up with yoghurt. Pundits predict he will use this opportunity to splash around and shout, "It's like liquid clouds! Clouds! Clouds! So pretty!" Brown will then dry himself off and return to the podium to talk about corporate responsibility.

The dramatic switch by Brown from his normal saturnine disposition is a desperate attempt to try and convince people that he is not a corpse roaming the Earth and turning up in children's nightmares. He will acknowledge the numerous failures of his premiership and attempt to position himself as the underdog for the upcoming election, stating, "I'm a bit sh*t, aren't I?" Pundits predict that this will strike a chord with the voting public when they vote for David Cameron next spring.

Monday, 28 September 2009

Policewomen asked to arrest themselves

One of the country's biggest crackdowns on potential child cruelty has resulted in an entire police squadron arresting themselves. Eight constables and six detectives stormed their own houses and wrestled themselves to the ground before leading themselves away to their own car. "The whole operation has been a massive success," said Constable Ruth Williams, "but I haven't got one single piece of evidence against me. I'm innocent and until I make myself confess to myself, I ain't got nothing. So suck it pig."

There have been accusations that the police were heavy-handed in their approach to themselves but the Thames Valley Police force have been quick to deny any wrongdoing to themselves. "We were very thorough and very fair in the treatment that we took to ourselves," said Detective Anne Barnett, sporting two black eyes, a broken ankle and a distinct lack of arms.

The operation was put together after it emerged that several policewomen were looking after each other's children for more than two hours, resulting in immediate suspicion of rampant child molestation. Those wishing to look after children for more than two hours must register as childminders and complete an extensive course in how not to be a paedophile.

The course covers all aspects of how not to have sex with children. Course attendee Mike Wallace spoke about his progress. "I've been through not having sex with children in a car. I did really well on the not having sex with children whilst on a day out at the zoo and I'm pretty hopeful about getting through the next part which is about not having sex with children in the Greater Manchester area." Asked to give his opinion on the general helpfulness of the course, Wallace replied, "It really is f**king retarded."

Friday, 25 September 2009

We meant barbecue autumn say weathermen

Meteorologists across the country have applied for retrospective permission to forecast a barbecue autumn. The recent good weather has brought out a number of prediction-makers who are keen to revisit their forecasts. They now insist that when they said the summer would be one fit for barbecues rather than home made water parks, they actually meant autumn.

"We got it wrong by one season," said one weatherman who asked not to be named just in case the weather turned, "it probably wasn't our fault. The summer weather must have got held up some way, possibly in the Bahamas."

Weathermen across the country were accused of getting the country's hopes up by predicting a summer filled with sunshine and non-stop bliss. Instead, all that passed between June to August were continuous looks out of the window to a grey sky and continuous shouts "But they fricking promised!"

This has led to accusations that the weatherman association is in cahoots with the sunglasses and crappy dance compilations. However, the weathermen of the country have hit back. "That is totally tropical," said Michael Fish, "I mean wrong and if one more person asks me about the boxes of Oakleys in my garage, I'm going shake, shake, shake the room, I mean, start legal proceedings."

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Scientists claim breakthrough against the need for Bono

Researchers have announced a startling discovery that could possibly rid the world of do-gooders forever. The scientists behind the study are pressing the need for caution but have suggested that their results could reduce the need for a celebrity to visit Africa by up to a third. Professor Henry Finkel of the Institute of Ersatz Academia said, "It is truly astonishing. In our control group, which had people given a placebo, we had Chris Martin, Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon with their faces pressed up against the glass, looking at the subjects and shouting that 'Something must be done!'

In the group that received the new treatment, we found that only Peaches Geldof stopped by before she got bored and went to buy a dog."

The team behind the research hope that their work will lead to the erradication of U2 singer Bono or at least contain him to a music studio where his cloying, emotionally hollow dirges about the importance of tax avoidance can be kept to a minimum.

The frontman has been a scourge of African countries since the Eighties, frequently unleashing economic and political advice despite having no grounding in the complexities of governance. Examples of his unwanted intervention include the massive famine he brought about in the Congo in 1989 as a result of his insistence that the country's agricultural policy should be based around a four-bar blues riff.

Congan agricultural minister Claude Mandanda said, "Sure it was catchy but it caused the death of millions. For the love of god, just stick to tax havens and trying to get Obama on speed dial."

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Alesha Dixon to qualify for assisted suicide? - You Choose!

As part of its remit to look at the burning issues of the day and insert knob gags wherever appropriate, the Chum Bucket is looking at whether it would be better to put Alesha Dixon, the embattled judge on Strictly Come Dancing, out of her misery. Both two sides of the debate will be represented but the final decision will rest with you, the public. Simply text YES or NO to 4. The results of the poll will then be passed onto the BBC. It is your licence fee, you should have your say. Pleading for her life will be a faceless drone from the BBC whilst resident columnist Carole Bismuth will argue that for her own sake, she should kicked down a flight of stairs.

Keep Alesha alive! says Roland Lackey, runner on the Antiques Roadshow

All the criticism of Alesha so far is unfair. She is a great dancer and has a great personality, which automatically makes her a great judge. Like if a dog is a great catcher of a ball, it'll probably be a good minister of defence. Of course Arlene Phillips will be missed but we still consider her to be a member of the Strictly family, albeit a family member that we've shut away in a cupboard and never talk of again. There has been talk of an "ageist" agenda at the BBC but we have many different ages at the BBC. There are plenty of mature workers here and without their cleaning, we'd be very stuck. We also employ the very young too. Children as young as five who write most of the jokes on the Chris Moyles show.

Smother her with a pillow says Carole Bismuth

There are some things in this life that I simply cannot abide: bruised fruit and pitying the weak. I watched Ms. Dixon, who I understand has a failed marriage to her name, last Saturday night. I honestly felt rotten to the core. Simply watching her wallowing in pungent mediocrity whilst my good friend Arlene Phillips, whom I've known ever since she asked me to leave a party, has to stand by is shameful. The sooner we can get her off the panel and into a lake with stones tied round her ankles, the better.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Is Susan Boyle joining the Sugababes?

No, that would be stupid. But the ever changing line-up of one of the most successful British girl groups means a space will shortly be opening up. The only remaining founding member of the group, Keisha Buchanan was kicked out of the band following a row with the record company, which is rumoured to be over the look for their next video. Buchanan was said to be favouring a hommage to 1930s Hollywood glamour with flowing dresses and floral prints. The record company thought it would be better if they danced around in their pants. The Chum Bucket looks at the runners and riders for the coveted chance to get in front of a camera and point at their bum.

Kerry Katona - odds 6/4

Pros: Has experience of being in a girl band. Has plenty of time on her hands. Would not be fazed by the excesses of showbusiness. Has shown that she is able to slim down time after time after time

Cons: Is a bit mental.

Carol Thatcher - odds 7/2

Pros: Knows what it takes to be part of a long-standing dynasty with a history of success and crushing any opposition. Has plenty of time on her hands. After having Margaret Thatcher for her mother, the pressures of singing in front of a live audience would be no problem.

Cons: Is a bit racist

Dustin Hoffman - odds 18/1

Pros: Is a showbusiness guy. Has experience of working with powerful and assertive women. Can pull off wearing a dress.

Cons: Is busy working his own album, a folk funk freakout collaboration with the Insane Clown Posse

Catherine the Great - odds 14/5

Pros: Feisty. Secured Russia as a major European force in the 18th century. Proved adept at managing competing interests within her court. A freethinker who associated with some of the finest minds of her time.

Cons: Dead. Banged horses.

Monday, 21 September 2009

Church of England: We must attract more plebs

A leading member of the Church of England has called on the institution to shake off its Marks and Spencers image and to round up punters from the nearest Lidl. Bishop Adam Dimble said, "We've got to get away from this M&S image. For one thing it's confusing people. I get members of the congregation coming up to me and asking when they get to have the snowball fights with Take That and Myleene Klass. I explain to them that they're here to worship God in all its glory and to celebrate the sacrifice that his son Jesus Christ made for us all. They then ask me again about the snowball fights and if they can see Lily Cole in her knickers."

With church attendances steadily declining, major figures within the Church of England have been keen to stress that services are not restricted to the elderly and passing tramps. Archbishop Rowan Williams said, "We've got to get back to basics. If Jesus was around today, he would want us to remember his teachings like universal love, devotion to others and selflessness." Asked if Jesus would remind the Church of England, one of the country's biggest landowners, about the futility of material possessions, Williams replied, "We would probably ask him to keep that one quiet."

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Grand National winner revealed to be two men in a horse suit

It's the latest in a long line of sporting cheats to rock the world and to support the growing feeling amongst sporting professionals that "it's not the winning that counts, it's the money you get from having won and if you cheated, you've still got money." Horse racing is the latest sport to be tarnished with allegations of cheating after it was found that the winner of the 2009 Grand National, Mon Mome, was no horse but two jobbing actors inside a horse suit. The fix was revealed when the horse was heard calling Sir Peter Hall, founder of the Royal Shakespeare Company, "a complete shit."

The perpetrators of the scam, Lionel Duckie and Quentin Falstaff were unrepentant over their actions. "Listen luvvie," said Duckie, "I've been in this business for over thirty years and I've paid my dues. I've done some awful gigs: pantomime, children's television and the later plays of David Hare. It's about time I was given a shot at glory. I was a star out there on the turf and no-one can take that away from me. Not even Sam Mendes who is a complete shit." Mr. Falstaff did not reply as he had been unable to get into character.

The men in a suit scandal follows one from the Formula One furore where Nelson Piquet was instructed to crash in order to gain an advantage for his teammate. Piquet has been reported to have taken the orders to slam into a wall with some resignation.

Rugby union is another sport currently being dragged through the mire over the Bloodgate scandal in which a player faked a blood injury to secure an advantage for his team. Reg Granite, the rugby "expert" for the Chum Bucket gave his views on the scandal. "It's a disgrace. If you can't bring about your own vomiting of blood through repeatedly punching yourself in the stomach, there's no place for you in rugby."

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Tragedy strikes as those reading Dan Brown forget to breathe

Readers of Dan Brown's latest novel way of conning people out of money have been warned that they face possible death through reading the book. Research has found that the average Dan Brown reader making their way through the contrived hokum will probably forget to keep breathing as their utter lack of mental faculties mean that they can only concentrate on one or the other. One such person was Elliott Lockhead who fell into a coma after getting through just 17 chapters or six minutes reading.

"I really enjoyed the last book and I thought I'd give this one a bash. I like the way you can just turn your brain off when reading it. Unfortunately, this then rendered me braindead for six days. It was only when someone waved a copy of Dante's Inferno under my nose that I regained consciousness."

Doctors are keen to stress the underlying dangers of reading the author. Dr Gumbo of the Institute of Ersatz Academia advised readers to only read the book in small doses. "The problem is that if you read it for any longer than six pages, you have to dampen down any mental processes to enable you not to take it seriously. Anyone actually paying any attention to what is going on will immediately come to the conclusion that it is utter bunkum read by simple-minded goons. So they've got to shut everything down including the power to operate basic bodily functions. I've lost count of the number of people coming in here after reading Dan Brown, having soiled themselves silly."

A spokesperson for Brown's publishers advised any readers to make sure they have a loved one nearby just in case they lapse into a vegetative state by the time they get to page 19. Tell-tale signs of this including dribbling, an inability to move and a propensity to say things like 'You know, it's actually not that bad."

Monday, 14 September 2009

TV to be turned into one long advert

Product placement will be allowed on British programmes under new regulations that ensure that viewers won't go two seconds without missing a plug for hoovers. The new move will calm audiences that are confused by nature documentaries that feature frogs, rabbits and bears who are refuse to sing about chocolate, beer and pensions. Concerned parent Dominic Briers said, "I mean those things are just sitting there, eating, burping and licking themselves. My children come up and ask me why the monkeys aren't dancing in a synchronised formation to a catchy tune. Like they do in real life. I feel like going ahead and cancelling my order for a zebra right now."

Television chiefs have been quick to point out that any product placement that goes on will sensitively handled and in keeping with the content of the programme. The first product that will be showcased is Rustles Horse Manure which will feature in Katie Price's What Katie Did Next. A spokesperson for the dung said "It's a win-win situation for both of us. You've got a barrel load of the most pungent, foul-smelling, fetid crap you could ever imagine and Rustles Horse Manure. You couldn't think of a better combination. Well, other than Hollyoaks and Kleenex have already nabbed that one."

Friday, 11 September 2009

Derren Brown to reveal why he hasn't got a real job

He has tantalised, amazed and wowed an entire nation. Now for the first time, magician Derren Brown will reveal why he is poncing around with all this mumbo-jumbo claptrap and hasn't got himself real work like being a woodcutter. The fervour is already building ahead of his announcement with many guessing why he prats around on the street when there's a shortage of decent electricians. Especially in the Nottingham area.

Social worker Lindsay Cohen said, "It's all right being able to predict the lottery numbers. Why couldn't he predict that the summer would be a total washout? I've had barbecue after barbecue looking like the Great Flood. Why couldn't he use his Neuro-Linguistic Programming to fix that?"

Brown is one of Britain's biggest time wasters who has made whole afternoons disappear with mammoth sessions of Solitaire. Several people have put forward theories as to how he has managed to get away with doing so little work for so long. Edward Nettle, a milkman, thought that Brown lacked the motivation to find proper work. "Maybe he's just lonely or maybe he just don't give a f**k." It is rumoured that Brown will present his reasons for sloth before a captive audience on a Channel 4 special before taking an apprenticeship at a pipe fitters in Eccles.

Thursday, 10 September 2009

England ecstatic about being the next British team to lose in South Africa

On a warm September night, the English football team put their Euro 2008 heartache behind them to ensure they would be next in a long line of British sporting teams to be beaten by a overwhelming superior side in South Africa. Captain John Terry could not contain his delight at the prospect of joining the rugby and cricket teams that have had fallen before. "The Lions pioneered the tradition of glorious failure and the cricket team are about to run into the best team in the world right now. So it's spankings a go-go for them. We just hope we can emulate their complete lack of any kind of success." Double goal scorer Steven Gerrard also invited the nation to dream, saying, "This will basically be a cheap holiday for me and the wife."

Tabloid expectation is also simmering nicely, hopefully coming to the boil some time in June. Darren Sozzled, the chief football writer for The Daily You Ain't From Around Here, Are You? previews England's chances. "Basically, they're the perfect team. They've got everything covered in all areas. Well, apart from goalkeeper. And right back's a bit of an issue. Plus the two central defenders aren't what you'd call world class and are a bit of a liability against top teams. Plus we're reliant on one or two players and we've got a centre forward who is less reliable than a personal loan company fronted by Carol Vorderman. But other than that, we're pretty much there."

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Hell reports slight drop in temperature

Chancellor of the Exchequer and Office Support Manager to the Underworld, Alistair Darling, has announced that sulphurous chambers of hell are slightly cooler than usual. The last year has seen the fiery pits of eternal damnation maintain a consistent temperature of insufferable ranging to face-meltingly hot. Yet Darling is confident that measures put in by the government will see the temperature continue to fall from a blistering one million degrees to a balmy nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety eight. "And that's Fahrenheit!" exclaimed Darling, applying some salve to a particularly charred hand.

The news will come as some relief to those who have seen their homes and businesses swallowed up by the raging inferno. Bob Tickoff, whose central heating supply went under last year, is confident of a pick-up in business in the new year. "There's always money in central heating," said Tickoff, "even if you are surrounded by insufferable heat for the rest of eternity. I know things are looking bad at the moment but once the temperature of hell reaches a frosty nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and seventy degrees, I'll be laughing."

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Is Hitler as bad as AIDS?

Given the controversy surrounding the latest AIDS prevention adverts featuring a woman having sex with a man who turns out to be Adolf Hitler, we ask our hard hitting columnist Rod Littlejohn to give his views on whether it is right to equate one of the biggest killers of yesteryear to one of the biggest killers of today. Note to readers - the offensive and gratuitously stupid views expressed by Mr. Littlejohn do not reflect the views of the Chum Bucket. Even though we thought he would be a good person to write an op-ed piece on this very subject.

RL: The first thing to say about to say about this advert is that it is outrageous. To have fifty seconds of Adolf Hitler having sex with a pretty young filly offends me. It's not enough. It's a deliberate ploy by the people behind the ad to get its viewers to watch it over and over and over again. Fine - you won.

It also does a disservice to the great man's legacy (watch it - Ed). The advert features the great Fuhrer being really quite agressive in the act of copulation. But by all accounts, Adolf was a sensitive lover, happy to burn scented candles and spend endless hours just stroking thighs and giving back rubs. At least, that's what I do when I dress up as Hitler and - (please just stick to the topic - Ed).

But to say that Hitler is the same as AIDS is repellant in the extreme. Some say that he was a bad man. And I would say, 'Sure, he killed six million people but at the end of the day, there was a guiding principle behind it'. AIDS kills for no reason. Adolf Hitler killed for a greater Germany and the known superiority of the Aryan people (this is your last warning - Ed). Also, another mistake is that death by AIDS is a long, agonising process. Death by being rigorously shagged by Adolf Hitler would surely be one of the purest, sweetest and most ecstacy-inducing experiences - (right, that's it, you're fired - Ed).

Monday, 7 September 2009

BNP win right to appear stupid on Question Time

There will be a new face on Question Time making emphatic hand gestures and spouting sentences devoid of anything resembling content: that of the British National Party. They join the more mainstream parties in giving bland answers to the public's questions and refusing to engage with anything that might interfere with predetermined policy. "Coming on Question Time is an important part of an MP's duty," said Alan Duncan, "plus if you're lucky, you might get to sit next to Will Young. Last time, it was only Trevor McDonald. Boring."

The head of the British National Party, Nick Griffin, is delighted at the news. "Finally, this will give us the chance to showcase our views. Up until now, we've been ignored just because we still think that we're in the 1930s. We want to show that we are just as out of touch with reality as other political parties. Perhaps even more so." By way of proving this, Griffin set out one of his party's main aims. "We want to keep this country for the indigenous people of this country, the people who first settled here. Like druids. As well as banshees, warlocks, pixies, sprites and orgres."

One such druid Andromedus Bull gave his support to the far right's plans. "It's about time someone stood up for us. Those sorcerers, they come over here, they take our jobs. And our runes. Are they paying tithes? Are they paying tithes? No, it's up to us, the honest, decent, hard-working tithe payer. This kingdom. I remember a time in this kingdom when you could frollick in a glade, perhaps with a flagon of mead. Can you do that now? No. Be it not PC, hay nonny nonny. I tell you what, it's the feudal system gone mad."