Monday 21 September 2009

Church of England: We must attract more plebs

A leading member of the Church of England has called on the institution to shake off its Marks and Spencers image and to round up punters from the nearest Lidl. Bishop Adam Dimble said, "We've got to get away from this M&S image. For one thing it's confusing people. I get members of the congregation coming up to me and asking when they get to have the snowball fights with Take That and Myleene Klass. I explain to them that they're here to worship God in all its glory and to celebrate the sacrifice that his son Jesus Christ made for us all. They then ask me again about the snowball fights and if they can see Lily Cole in her knickers."

With church attendances steadily declining, major figures within the Church of England have been keen to stress that services are not restricted to the elderly and passing tramps. Archbishop Rowan Williams said, "We've got to get back to basics. If Jesus was around today, he would want us to remember his teachings like universal love, devotion to others and selflessness." Asked if Jesus would remind the Church of England, one of the country's biggest landowners, about the futility of material possessions, Williams replied, "We would probably ask him to keep that one quiet."