Thursday, 30 April 2009

Swine flu “a better conversation topic than the recession”

Reports show that office chatter is undergoing a massive revival due to the outbreak of swine flu. Up until recently, watercooler based nattering had been unable to avoid the topic of the recession, leading to a decrease in the length of conversations due to the fact that “it’s so f**king depressing and will you shut the c**k up already?” But now swine flu has come along and its mixture of exoticism and possible portent of the apocalypse has sent tongues wagging once again.

Darren Phillips, a systems analyst in Durham, explains its appeal. “It’s new, it’s fresh and it’s going to kill us all. So people love to talk about it. It’s creeping ever closer to our workplace so when I start talking about it, people want know. I missed out on bird flu and harping on about global warming has got really boring. But this stuff is gold. Even the office hottie wants in. And she thinks I’m scum.”

The key to swine flu’s popularity is the general ignorance about what it actually is and how it claims its victims. This has led to wild, unfounded but popular rumours about the disease. Stories abound of the virus being able to cut holes in walls and turn kitchen appliances against their owners

The government has gone out of its way to reassure people that it will be no help whatsoever in the face of the oncoming pandemic. Spokesman Robert Wesall said, “We’re honestly about as useful as that makeover for Susan Boyle. We couldn’t cope with a couple of inches of snow. How are we going to deal with a rampaging virus like this? Do you know it can make your own blender want to kill you?”

Monday, 27 April 2009

Swan found on Sunday Times Rich list

The extent of Britain’s poverty was confirmed when the Sunday Times Rich List contained a surprising entry amongst the bankers and entrepreneurs; a swan.

The inclusion of the bird reflects the way in which the standards for entry onto the wealth-porn magazine have fallen in light of the economic downturn. Speaking about the swan’s position, editor of publication, Roger Harper said, “It shows the ruin we’ve landed in. Sugar’s been on the blower, giving it all that ‘cos he’s up to 59th. I told him that he’s only there ‘cos he managed to get away with only losing £100 million.”

The decline in Britain’s wealth meant that several unlikely candidates were close to making the cut. “There was Noddy, he’s had a great year. Sally Gunnell was close but she needed to do the shopping for the week and so she trailed off. My tip for next year is to expect to see a few cardinals get in. There’s always money in God-bothering, mark my words.”

Although the animal’s wealth is only estimated at £400,000, this is enough to put him at joint 892nd place. The recession has hit the majority of multimillionaires exceedingly hard although experts believe that they will be cushioned against the fall by the massive piles of money that they have accumulated over the years. One of the biggest losers on the list is Robbie Williams. He has not only seen his wealth shrink by £25 million pounds but he has also gone mental. Experts predict that he might be able to recover his earning power but only if he stops going on about UFOs and goes back to producing middle of the road hokum for berks.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Titanic Captain unveils new 'anti-sinking' measures.

Captain of the Titanic, Alistair Darling, has put forward a comprehensive plan in order to stave of what he has called “our relative downsizing in the middle of an aquatic environment.” Speaking at a seven degree incline, Captain Darling announced the ways in which he plans to stop water lapping around his feet and mackerel from getting in the drinks mixers. “This is a ship that faces a positive future. I predict that although the hull will sink another metre in the coming hour, I am certain that it will come back up again by three and a half metres in the hour after that. Hulls have a habit of doing that you know”

Captain Darling has rebutted criticism of his handling of the ship, saying, “No-one could have foreseen a giant iceberg in the middle of the ocean. Even though we were told there were icebergs ahead of us and several people pointed it out to me, it is very difficult to pick up a large white object against a night sky, which may or may not be completely black.”

Further proposals to stop the sinking of the ship include making sure all the curtains are shut, extra waltzes and asking the orchestra to play an octave higher.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Darling’s £15 bn efficiency drive: Cabinet to be outsourced

Faced with a growing financial disaster, that is reported to be on the same scale as Mel Gibson’s; Chancellor Alistair Darling has announced that the job of running the country will be outsourced to workers in Chennai. The move comes as a report into the efficiency of Whitehall found that most cabinet members were a complete and utter waste of space. “Although I was surprised by the results,” said Darling, packing his belongings into a cardboard box, “when you think about it, you realise what complete carbuncles most of us truly are.

“For me the most revealing insight was Tessa Jowell’s Facebook photos of a cabinet meeting that apparently disintegrated into a game of Monopoly; followed by Gordon sitting on an office chair and being spun by government officials until he sicked out of his nose... I mean she shouldn’t really have time to spend posting on Facebook!”

The report concluded that there was no real point to Hazel Blears, that Ed Milliband was in need of a good slap and a duck sitting on a beanbag could easily do the work of Jacqui Smith. “It’s probably the most brilliant idea I’ve had so far,” exclaimed Darling, setting up his new home underneath Blackfriars Bridge, “in order to save money, get rid of the biggest wasters of cash: us.”

The operation in Chennai will consist of a team of 800 workers who will formulate and implement policy at all levels of government. This has led to accusations that the new cabinet will be run by a sweatshop. However, Darling has countered the accusations saying, “It is not a sweatshop. The official name for our operation is a perspiration boutique.” Mr Darling was last seen rummaging through bins, scrapping cheese off a pizza box and mumbling “Oh yes, Papa’s hit gooey gold. Now, will you be main course or dessert?”

Monday, 6 April 2009

Teaching to be made an extreme sport

Sporting several knife wounds after an assault that left him looking like a human sprinkler, secondary school teacher Kevin McNaughton might be said to be having an off day. Instead he grins, retains consciousness and says, "These are the days that make it all worth it."

For Kevin is a new type of teacher, a former rock climber and tarantula juggler who has swapped his previous high-octane activities for the perils and dangers of the English state school system. Kevin explains his choice. "After a while, white-water rapids and bungee jumping lose their thrill. I wanted excitement. I wanted risk. That’s why I’m here, teaching history at South Peckham Primary. Rock on!"

Another to take on the blackboard jungle is Wilson 'Hot Magma' Carzola. He is teaching maths and maxin’ out at the Bromley Drop-Off for the Pre-Unemployed. He has been 'merked' five times before lunch but loves every minute of it. "It’s an unbelievable rush," he says, in between picking up teeth that have been 'maxed out' by his charges, "I thought cage fighting was the ultimate experience. But trying to teach Pythagoras to twelve year olds? They fight knowledge like I used to fight sharks."

Despite criticism from some more standard teaching bodies the Government remains upbeat about the idea "To be honest, we’re just desperate now. These guys will probably be better than nothing. Probably." said Children's Secretary Ed Balls.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

World “Too Jaded” For April Fool’s Day

Pranksters and merrymakers are reporting a massive downturn in japery and mischief this April Fool’s Day due to a universal general world-weariness. Professor Higgins of the Institute of Ersatz Academia gave his thoughts on the drop in gags, "The problem is that given the events of the previous year, people’s standards for nonsense are way down. They've seen a bloke given £17 million pounds for losing £20 billion pounds, they're expected to pay for someone’s porn habit and Britain's Got Talent has just got a new series. A story about prisoners being forced to wear nappies just isn’t going to cut it."

Office life is one area where the ramifications of all-pervading gloom have hit the hardest. Self-titled ‘Joker in the Pack’ Colin Trumby, a sales manager for a St. Albans tile business, describes his own forlorn situation. "I’m a bit of prankster, always pulling stuff that people find hilarious or exceptionally annoying. But this year, it’s been really hard. I went up to one person and told them that it was now office procedure to come in dressed up like you’re from the 1930s. They just nodded and said ‘Well at least I’ve still got a job,’ and walked off."

Susan Atkinson tells her story. "I pulled the old one about gullible being taken out of the dictionary. Later in the day I looked in the office dictionary and found that it had actually been removed. Along with hope, justice and remuneration."