Monday, 31 August 2009

Noel’s walkout leaves Oasis with just one chord

The future of Oasis is looking exceptionally bleak after the departure of lead plagiarist Noel Gallagher. The elder of the Gallagher brothers stormed out before the band’s performance at the V festival, claiming that he could no longer pass off other people’s music as his own in conjunction with his brother. “It’s right fooking distracting,” said Noel, “I’m in the studio, trying to figure out a Kinks chord progression and in comes Liam with some song that he’s written. I tell him that you can’t rhyme car with elephant and he puts his head through the speakers.”

The group are vowing to press on with the rest of their dates even though they are now down to a single chord. Gem Archer, who performs back-up cribbing in the band, was determined to make the best of a bad situation. “It’s obviously a terrible situation. That bastard Noel has taken two out of the three chords we knew and I’m buggered if I can come up with any more. But if it means we’ll play every single song on C, we’ll do it. I mean, who’s going to know?” The bassist Andy Bell gave his reaction to the devastating news saying, “I’m the bassist.”

Friday, 28 August 2009

China's iPhones will be able to censor their users

China has finally made the breakthrough that the rest of the world achieved many years ago: complete subservience to technology. The Apple Corporation have struck a deal with one of China's biggest phone companies to ensure that an entire nation will be forever showing off how much their new gadget is able to substitute for their own cerebral processes. Ru Chen, an excited new user said, "It's great. Before I had to use my brain and deep thought to do things like read maps and perform mental arithmetic. But now that's all been taken away from me. Result!"

The Chinese iPhone will come with an inbuilt application that will be able to monitor users' calls, messages and thoughts. The application will be able to pick up on any criticism of the government and its policies. Anything resembling dissent will result in immediate blanking of the words used, which has resulted in some unfortunate messages. Sun Mao relays his own personal story of misinformation. "I sent a text to a friend saying 'I had to work late for the government. Real suck. Just doing this job for the money'. I found out it was edited to 'I had to suck for money'. Although my mate did then text back offering to take me to this club he knows."

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Channel 4 to cut back on talentless freaks

For years Channel 4 has been seen as a refuge for the deluded, the hopeless and the kind of people that others would not only cross the road to avoid but would consider remaining in the road in the face of oncoming traffic if it meant they didn't have to live in a world populated by these types of cretins. But in the face of the economic downturn, the station has announced that it will be letting the majority of its dimwits go. And it is the groundbreaking reality television show Big Brother that will be hardest hit. The station has said that it will only be looking to take on twelve new oxygen thieves in the coming year before refusing all future applications.

Channel 4 commissioner Eric Bleasdale spoke of the anguish he felt when delivering the news to the fuckwits. "It was a really hard thing to do," said Bleasdale, "first of all they find it very hard to concentrate for more than five seconds and were forever wandering off and chasing birds. And then when I had finally got them all sat down, I had to look them in the eye and say that we would be making extreme cutbacks. I then had to explain what extreme meant, what cutbacks meant and then repeat what extreme meant again."

The culling of the divs is emblematic of the spectre of unemployment that is haunting the country. Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoke of his disappointment at the news. "You know things are in a bad way when not even retarded page 3 wannabes are able to get work." The frustration at Big Brother's cancellation has been hard for many to take. Aspiring contestant Michael Deadwood said, "All that time I spent preparing for my audition, standing in my garden just randomly shouting at things. It's all been for nothing."

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Ban legal highs say organised crime

The government are set to announce a £100 million investment in drug dealers and seedy elements of society, ministers claim. The money is set to come from banning legal highs such as GBL and Spice, which should see people making the switch from taxable quality-controlled produce to a mixture of sawdust and bleach that even Peaches Geldof would think twice about shoving up her hooter. Shoreditch-based dealer Alec Tremain was delighted about the move. "It's only right. Those people are being taxed on what they are buying and that money is going to fund schools and nurses. Now all that revenue is coming to me: someone who contributes absolutely nothing to society."

The decision is seen a double win for the government as not only are they kow-towing to the section of society that is forcever screaming, "Will someone please think of the children?" but they are also easing the next generation of drug dealers in very slowly. Minister for Employment Tony McNulty was very enthusiastic about the scheme. "We are looking at the drug dealers of tomorrow and breaking them into what is a very difficult world. They can start at the very bottom starting with GBL and move onto pot before graduating onto skag."

Defenders of the drugs and spoken out against the reclassification. They claim that their highs are no more dangerous than many other pursuits including horse riding. Peter Vincenoire, a casual high user, spoke out against the equine habit saying, "Have you see some of those horses? They're crazy. I tried getting on one and was thrown off. But then again, I was massively high and thought it was a marshmallow bouncy castle."

Monday, 24 August 2009

Shock as England finally win at game that they invented

It is the victory that has turned the sporting world on its head. Usually England is famous for capitulating in sporting contests the first time they have taught the other country the rules. But their Ashes victory has provided a reverse in the well-established trend. In recent years, the country has been beaten by the Netherlands in cricket, pounded by South Africa at rugby and denied a place in football’s Euro 2008 by Croatia, a country that only came into existence in 1991, making it a younger country than Disneyland.

Reg Yorker, the cricket “expert” for the Chum Bucket, gave his views on why the side were able to reverse their cricketing fortunes. “For me, it was all about the pitch. It was a monster of a wicket. It turned, it spat and it vomited into the corner. No side wants to be playing on that.” Asked if England could retain the Ashes when they travel to Australia in eighteen months time, Yorker was confident. “Absolutely, I am certain we can win. Although I did say that in 2005 and we were stuffed 5-0.”

Meanwhile, the England team have been warned that the country is still in a recession and that their celebrations should not be too ostentatious. In 2005, the team were driven round in golden chariots whilst angels showered them with rubies and emeralds. But the side’s captain Andrew Strauss is now planning a party more in keeping with the economic downturn. “We’ve booked out a park bench in Leytonstone,” said Strauss, “Matt Prior’s going to bring along a couple of boxes of wine whilst Cook is trying to see if he can find any cocktail sausages that have been reduced to clear. Top times!”

Friday, 21 August 2009

Students in last minute scramble to avoid the real world

It’s the time of year when teenagers and people in their mid-thirties trying to find some direction in their life should be celebrating. They’ve got their grades at A level, have secured their place at university and can look forward to three years of glorious isolation from such pressing issues as rent, the 9 to 5 grind and feelings of shame over using the phrase ‘metaphysical heuristic framework’ in any kind of conversation. But given the paucity of university places, potential students are resorting to desperate attempts to secure their place on the good ship HMS Coasting.

Academics across the country have been surprised at the depths at which prospective students will sink in order to get their place. Professor Lincoln of the Institute of Ersatz Academia relates his story of the cravenness on display. “I came out of my study to find a row of eager young folk lining the corridor. They were all showing off their five grade As at A Level, their thirteen gold Duke of Edinburgh awards and whispering in my ear things like ‘Do you like what you see mister? I’ll show a good time and also a structured essay. You know you want to supervise me, don’t you, you naughty man?’ One even said that they would read everything I had ever published. I mean, that’s just sad.”

One of the desperate folk is Anna Kettle who has been hanging around institutes of higher learning on the off chance that someone will take pity on her and provide with a grounding in retail management. “I saw a guy with a sign,” said Kettle, “it said, ‘Will work for enlightened discourse on the merits of Hobbesian theory’. I hope my luck changes and I get in. It’s either that or faking an interest in Third World children.”

Friday, 14 August 2009

Female boxing the best way to make use of hoodies says expert

Great Britain stands to treble its medal haul at the 2012 Olympics now that women are allowed to box, say ministers. The news is a double win for the country as it means it can turn its feral sprog-sprouting, cider-chugging, Jeremy Kyle-baiting yobs into champion athletes with not much training. Britain currently boasts some of the most feared female pugilists in the world. They mostly spend their time roaming the streets hoping for a spot on Britain's Worst Towns but now have their chance to shine.

The new ruling means that those constantly up for a fight are also eligible for Olympic funding although their benefits will be cut to make up the shortfall. “It's going to make them even more dangerous,” said Olympic minister Tessa Jowell, “Cut off their Job Seekers Allowance, stick them in the ring and watch them go like a Winehouse.”

A training camp has been set up in the car park of the Suicidal Dolphin pub in Tooting, to which any women are welcome to come and see if they have got what it take to batter the world's best. Amongst the hopefuls is Kelly Blazing Squad who is currently undefeated in all branches of Wetherspoons. “I think I've got a great chance,” said Squad, “I've had people telling me all my life that I've got to make more of my life than just punching people. And I've knocked them all out.”

Thursday, 13 August 2009

France and Germany come out of recession just to piss Britain off

It’s the economic miracle that few expected, a recovery that is faster than Cristiano Ronaldo’s after not getting a free kick. Germany and France have both reported strong economic growth which has been put down to a strong desire by both countries to show up Britain for the sherry-drinking, losing at every single game they invented, ain’t isn’t this all just a bit too quaint nabobs they know them to be. France’s economic minister Dominique Vache said, “I stick it to you English farthounds with your poor manufacturing industry coupled with a lax approach to financial regulation. Now I must go and smoke Gauloises with my outrageously sexy mistress.”

The reasons behind the Franco-German renaissance appear to be two-fold. The first is a commitment to supporting industries that have the promise of increasing exports. The other is the decision not to hand over money to the people who have the same familiarity with financial prudence as Paris Hilton has with modesty. German finance minister Miriam Meissner offered her approach to people working in the financial industry. “They’re all right guys but the love of god, don’t take your wallet into a meeting with them. And never, ever have a meal with them in a restaurant. Last time, I was left with the tab plus seven other tabs they’d accrued elsewhere.”

The triumphal spirit amongst the French and the Germans has spread to their general population with members of each of the countries keen to put Britain in its place. Kurt Wilhelmschaft was indicative of the ebullient mood felt by most Germans. “It’s so nice to feel pleasure due to the misery of others. If only us Germans had a word for it.”

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Republicans to thwart Obama’s health plans by showing clips of Eastenders

It is the debate that it is dividing America into two separate camps. One side is trying to establish a healthcare system for all whilst the other side see this as the vilest incarnation of socialism since Bill Clinton’s Equal Opportunities for Interns programme of the Nineties. As usual, the issue is being debated on the airwaves and on national television with scaremongering adverts showing the potential dangers of using socialised medicine. One campaign shows Shane McGowan singing and features the tagline ‘Is This What You Want For Your Children?’

However, it is the use of clips of the popular soap opera Eastenders that has stirred up the most debate amongst Americans. Those against Obama’s healthcare plans say that the people featured in the programme are the perfect example of how socialised medicine fails to treat the most hideous of injuries. Chuck Beasley said, “This Ian Beale guy, he’s clearly been in a car accident. The treatment he got means that he can’t talk right and his face is still a complete mess. Then there’s Alfie Moon, that guy must have taken a lot of blows to the head that have gone completely untreated. He looks like a monkey who’s constantly surprised.”

Other notable British have been targeted by the American right to support their cause of the dangers of socialised medicine. Peter Crouch, Chris Moyles and Jeremy Clarkson have all been pinpointed on the assumption that they have had bad experiences with the NHS rather than just being plain ugly. Wesley Pinchmore, a lobbyist for a health insurance firm said, “I mean no disrespect to the Queen but she looks like she’s been throttled by a horse.”

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Suu Kyi: It’s a fair cop

Burma has announced to the world that it can now sleep easy at night thanks to the capture of notorious criminal Aung San Suu Kyi. The former leader was tracked down and arrested for failing to stay in her house, the place where she has been kept for the past fourteen years. Suu Kyi handed herself over but was unrepentant about her crimes of violating her house arrest whilst remaining in her house. “Do you think you keep me outside?” she said, being dragged away back to her house, “I’ve stayed inside this house for years and I can stay inside for plenty more. They haven’t built the house that can keep me from not breaking out whatsoever.”

The arrest comes after one of the biggest manhunts in Burma’s history. Dogs, helicopters and speedboats were all used as the search for Suu Kyi went on for months. It was only after the police received an anonymous tip-off that she was finally brought to justice. Police chief Than Anan revealed that Suu Kyi made the fatal mistake of coming out in public. “It was your classic criminal error,” said Anan, “coming out of your house and telling some utter cretin to stop swimming across a lake into your house.”

Suu Kyi is said to be adjusting well to her new life in prison. She has even started a gang which dominates the prison yard although numbers are said to be low. Given that she will in place for a considerable amount of time, she is making the most of her new and familiar surroundings. “Yeah, I know all the screws in this place,” said Kyi, “slip them a couple of smokes and they’re no trouble at all.”

Friday, 7 August 2009

Train Robber Ronnie Biggs’ release from prison delayed due to leaves on the line

Ronnie Biggs, the infamous Train Robber, will be forced to wait for up to three hours on a platform as part of his release from jail. The move is an ironic twist to placate those who believe that he should be left behind bars. Prison chief Alan Cutlet said, “We felt that this was the best excuse to give so that we could leave him hanging. We were going to go with it being the wrong kind of snow but given that’s it August, we would just have been taking the piss.” As part of his release, Biggs will have to change at least three times and taking two bus replacement services.

The Ticketholders Union against Mismanagement and Muddled Yammering is delighted about the treatment meted out to the former criminal. TUMMY spokesman Ralf Burnside said, “TUMMY is tickled pink about this. Us train users have had enough to put up with over the years. Massive fare increases, delayed trains and pathetic excuses. The last thing you need on the 0945 to Doncaster is someone holding up the train and casing the joint. I hope he spends the rest of his life having to eat Virgin Rail sandwiches.”

Thursday, 6 August 2009

Murdoch to make serial masturbators pay for content

Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch is used to being a revolutionary force within media, constantly pushing boundaries and jumping up and down on standards until they are lower than anyone ever thought possible. He was the first person to come up with the ingenious combination of sensationalist, poorly researched journalism with soft-core pornography. He has copied this model across the world and is only seconded by Richard Desmond whose own collection of publications includes Asian Babes, Indo-European Sluts and Marine Biologists In The Nip.

Murdoch has taken the step of charging his readers for the content that can be found in his array of titles. “High quality journalism isn’t cheap,” said Murdoch, “so we’ve abandoned that and put together shots of birds in the altogether with some stuff about bogus asylum seekers eating swans.” The tariffs for the sites are yet to be announced but is expected to use a system dependent on the number of bums and nipples viewed. Media analyst Tony Ferret said, “We expect that one pound gets you either ten nipples, thirty bums or eighty thousand pieces of political analysis. Of course, I expect you’ll be able to mix and match.”

However, onanists across the world are up in arms about the move. “I can’t believe that they’re doing this,” said Gary Trimble, speaking to The Chum Bucket on what sounded like a hands-free telephone. “The Sun has always been the best newspaper to beat off to. The ones in the Star always look grumpy and don’t get me started about the Daily Sport. Oh, oh, yes, yes that's right. And I’m done.” However, Murdoch has defended his decision, saying, “Do you know how many years’ training it takes to be able to get those up the skirt shots? It’s an art I’m telling you, an art.”

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Teenager breaks up boyfriend after she sees his naked text

It’s the phenomenon amongst teenagers that is causing parents to reach for their copies of Reefer Madness and scream “Is this what you want end up like?” Sexting is the latest craze popular amongst young 'uns along with skinny jeans, happy slapping and a repudiation of the concept of vowels. It involves horny teenagers sending naked pictures of themselves to each other. It is also known as fuxting, screxting and making the beast with two baxting. However, police are warning teenage boys that they risk humiliating themselves through showing the world their under-endowed genitals. Constable Alan Peters said, “If it’s anything less than four inches, for the love of god just keep it in your pants.”

This was the advice that Jared Hornsby failed to take heed of. He has been dumped after sending his own roll in the hext, which caused his girlfriend considerable disappointment and utter devastation. Thinking that he was being romantic, Hornsby only expedited the break-up of the relationship that had previously showed considerable promise. Lisa Rogers, the distraught recipient of the copulext, explained her reasoning for the split. “I hadn’t seen Jared naked because we thought we should wait. Then I saw the photo and I thought ‘That’s what I’m saving myself for? It’s like a button mushroom on two M&Ms.’ I don’t want to embarrass him but if I were him, I’d start putting a cucumber down there.”

Hornsby has hit back at the accusations of not measuring up, saying, “It’s not small at all. It’s just that the camera wasn’t working properly, I’d just got out of the shower, it was a cold day, I had just gone for a run, I’ve had the measles and my cat died the day before. It really isn’t that small.” Objective tests however, are at odds with Mr. Hornsby’s assessment.

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Immigrants must show that they can put up with the Sun

According to government sources, people applying for immigrant status in future will have to demonstrate a wide-ranging acceptance of British values such as queuing, a penchant for glorious failure in sport and a tolerance for self-righteous, rabble-rousing, piss-poor journalism. Immigration minister Phil Woolas confirmed that stringent measures would be taken to ensure that those coming to live in the United Kingdom adhere to British customs including sneering at one’s neighbours and obsessing over house prices.

The new system will be a points-based system with greater rewards given for those who can demonstrate extra proficiency at mastering the English language. Classes will be given and those that have already attended have shown the progress that can be made. Lebanese hopeful Roda Khan said, “I never knew there were so many words to insult women but now I have learned them all. Now as you say in your language, get the fahk out of my face or I is gawn to merk you blood. Is this right?”

New migrants will also be sent on compulsory orientation days in which they will be taught about British history and social customs. However, the project has been criticised for giving a skewed take on British history due to a lack of funds. One example was a recreation of the invasion of the Spanish Armada which featured a gang of hoodies setting fire to a Nando’s. One onlooker was appalled. “It’s just completely unacceptable. I mean, everyone knows that Nando’s is Portugese.”