Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Madonna: Orphans’ Blood Keeps Me Young

Malawian authorities were facing further criticism of their decision to fast track Madonna’s adoption application after it emerged that she merely intends using the child to extend her youth. Concerns were raised over the process, when she told a court that she would be looking to give the child a good home in return for "its essence, its lovely, pure essence." Asked to elaborate further on what she had said, the actress and part-time singer replied, "I must fly," before disappearing in a cloud of black smoke.

Madonna already has one African child named David who has only once been seen in public. Those that saw him allege they observed marks on his arms that could only be explained if he was going through a process of monthly blood-letting under a full moon in worship of Hebe, the Greek goddess of youth. Adopting orphans seems to be the latest of Madonna’s attempts to hold on to her craggy, gap-toothed looks. In the past she has tried ingesting the spleens of werewolves, drinking the urine of hawks and divorcing Guy Ritchie.

Yet Madonna is not the only grade-A mediocrity alleged to be going through a wacky process of attempted rejuvenation. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are reported to hold weekly bacchanalia in which they dance around naked with their sprogs, whilst Max Mosely is flogged by a Vulcan priest and three peacocks re-enact various tales of mystery. However, a spokesperson for the couple strenuously denied any peacocks were present, while Madonna’s press secretary dismissed as "ludicrous" the idea that his client would get mixed up in any form of pseudo-religious mumbo jumbo.

Jacqui Smith “Claimed Gimp” On Expenses

The future of the Home Secretary was looking increasingly bleak as it has emerged that she had hired a gimp, and tried to claim Mr. Must Be Punished on government expenses. The revelation comes only days after Smith's husband admitted invoicing the taxpayer for such porno flicks as Bananarama Eat Carpet and Animal Farm.

Jacqui Smith initially claimed that her slave was hired to help in the office and to make sure that constituents had a point of contact. However, Mrs. Smith has now been forced to admit that the gimp did no such kind of work and was only there to be the subject of Smith's deranged peccadilloes.

In the aftermath of the revelations, Mr. Must Be Punished has been the subject of intense media scrutiny, of which he has said, "Yes, more, please more." In an interview that could be potentially disastrous for the Home Secretary, Mr. Must Be Punished described Smith's proclivities and what he would be forced to do when complying with her wishes. "She's a very angry woman," he said, speaking whilst handcuffed to a radiator, "she would call me all kinds of insults. She said I had the nipples of a dwarf, that I was diseased beyond decency and that I was nothing but a wet fart destined for failure. However, I had to draw a line when she said I had a face like a sad Jack Straw. There're some forms of degradation even I won't take."

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Internet kicks itself in the brain, again.

Some people are angry at other people in charge, for their wanting to look at stuff they put out for everyone else to look at.

The internet today took another great evolutionary step towards its hallowed destiny (known only as the "Monkey/Typewriters" scenario) as whinging techno-tards bashed their faces against their keyboards in response to the government asking to do something that will probably only affect self-publicising, amateur criminals.

Once again the Internetters completely forgot that they’ve already given the government their details with every passport, driving licence and jobseekers allowance application; and then also completely failed to recall they’ve already handed their details across to umpteen different sites simply because of a flashy web-page and a catchy jingle.

Home Office spokesman, Vernon Coaker, defended the possibility of the government’s access to such online personal details. "I think what’s been overlooked by those complaining is that Social Network sites are the internet equivalent of shouting an ongoing personal commentary in the street whilst showing your photo album to passers-by. These Webmongs have somehow endowed themselves with a God-given right to total privacy despite wanting to fart out minute-by-minute updates and photos of EVERY-F*CKING-LITTLE-THING THEY DO into the public domain."

"I can’t understand what the fuss is about. Google and Yahoo already have all the information about those dirty sites you’re looking at. If anything we’re pretty late to the party. We really couldn’t give a shit about those photos of thing that happened that one time, with that geezer and the bottle of vodka. Of course it’s still great fun to find those attractive girlies who are friends-of-friends, that’s why we really love these sites. We're excluding Twitter of course, f*ck knows what value that has. It’s like listening to the Earth vomit”

Also asked to comment was Mark Zionberg, founder of Facebook. His first comment was simply "Oh for friggsakes..."

"First you’re shouting at us about your privacy, then the application designers, now the sodding government?! May I remind you that you don’t have to put all that shit out there in the first place. If we gave you a pad of paper, and you draw a willy on it, you can’t blame us when you get in trouble for showing it to a policeman, can you? Oh, right… well give me my pen back then.

Jacqui Smith like this article

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Sex in Commons “Cost-Saving Initiative” says Shamed MP

Nigel Griffiths, the MP at the centre of the Parliamentary sex scandal, has defended his tryst at his Commons office; claiming that it was more cost-effective than making whoopee in a hotel and therefore provided “value for taxpayers’ money.” Griffiths had previously denied the affair until he was confronted with photographic proof of his liaison with a mystery brunette. When faced with the photos, he is reported to have said "Ah."

However, Griffiths has robustly defended himself against allegations of bringing the House of Commons into disrepute. He stressed that using his office for his midnight bonkfest curtailed the need to go elsewhere, and thereby avoided the incurring of expenses that would otherwise have to be footed by the taxpayer. In a statement made from outside the Wycombe Travelodge, he said, "At a time when money and black lace stockings are tight, I made what I believe to be the right decision. Making the beast with two backs in my office has showed that I am committed to saving my constituents’ money. Even if it does get in the way of my commitment to the sanctity of marriage just a smidge. Oh, and you might want to tell the Speaker to wipe down his chair."

Outrage has also greeted the revelation that Griffiths’ love marathon happened on Remembrance Sunday. But as is clear from the photographs, at no time during the lust-filled session did the sordid MP wear his poppy. Veterans Association President, Roger Harper, said, "Millions died during two World Wars so that Mr. Griffiths could be free to get conkers deep in the House of Commons. The least he could have done when he had her bent over his desk and about to receive a good seeing to, was to have had his poppy on. Blue-tac, selotape, put behind an ear, whatever. We’re not asking much."

Monday, 23 March 2009

Tributes paid as “brave” Mama Cass loses fight with ham sandwich

The world was left mourning the loss of one of its greatest singers with the news that Mama Cass has lost her long fight with a ham sandwich. Paramedics were called to her London hotel room to discover that she had passed away in the early hours of the morning. Cass had had a very public and drawn out struggle with the ham sandwich, which many commentators called "brave" and "the bravest undertaking ever seen in the history of humanity."

Floral tributes were piled outside the hotel along with very small packets of ham. Messages that were left demanded to know how someone so brave could have been taken up to heaven. One mourner hoped that Cass was now on a cloud with wings with a choir of angels singing her favourite songs.

Cass’s brave struggle with the ham sandwich has inspired others to confront their own problems with ham and other porcine-derived meat products. David Chattle, a man with a Pepperami up his nose, said, "Zee waz zoo bave. Peepul sed dat zee waz juss milken it but zee inspared me to ged help with ma proplem."

Cass showed the world her brave struggle in the documentary My Ham Sandwich and Me, in which many people extolled her bravery. Before her death, Cass was determined that others should benefit from her struggle. She established The Mama Cass Ham Sandwich Institute, which is looking into ways in which ham-sandwich-related deaths can be avoided in future. No progress has been made so far but researchers are calling for more funds as they continue their "brave" investigations.

Friday, 20 March 2009

Google's New “Street View” Makes Hide And Seek Extinct

Youngsters across the world were facing a further erosion of their childhood with the news that Google’s new Street View has rendered the old favourite of Hide and Seek utterly pointless. There are also fears about the future of Sardines, though officials are confident that the implicit sexual possibilities may see it survive amongst randy teenagers.

The game had already been facing an uncertain future due to the increasing size of children, making the finding of those hiding much easier. Hide and Seek expert, Jeremy Parkin, said, "It’s a dying art. I remember some of the great Hide and Seekers: Adolf Hitler, Lord Lucan, James Corden’s sense of shame. But with today’s kids unable to fit into small spaces and having to try and hide around whole houses, it’s really gone downhill. This Street View thing is just the last nail in the coffin."

Hide and Seek isn’t the only traditional pursuit to be threatened by Street View. The near-omniscient detail that it provides means paranoid onanists are now adding Google to the list of things that they fear may be watching over them, whilst they indulge in acts of self-abuse. Previously, such lists were primarily limited to spiritual or non-existent entities, such as the ghosts of deceased family members, various monotheistic deities, or that creepy man from down the road that Mum calls "Uncle Jim".

Google’s inclusion in the list marks the return of technology as a source of masturbatory anxiety, after it was conclusively proved in the early-90’s that trouser-presses in scabby Travelodge motels possessed neither the ability to record a marathon flagellation session, nor the inclination to morally judge a being on their choice of personal leisure pursuit enhancing daytime TV.

Thursday, 19 March 2009

Wii Torture Game Branded “Obscene”

Controversy has erupted over the release of a game for the Nintendo Wii in which players can simulate the torture handed out to terrorist suspects; and workers in the Wolverhampton branch of Dixons. The game allows those that play to recreate notorious torture techniques such as sensory deprivation, waterboarding and attaching electrodes to the testes. However, despite the outrage expressed by human rights groups, industry insiders believe that the game, Extraordinary Rendition: Pulling Out Teeth For Truth, will be a massive hit.

In the game, the player takes on the role of a government agent who only has 72 hours to prevent a terrorist attack. The player must interrogate different suspects and get the information necessary to foil a terrorist plot. The sooner the player gets the information, the more time he has to stop the plot (and score freedom points). The game can be played at a range of difficulties ranging from Easy and Medium to We Keep On Getting The Wrong Guy. The game's authors are keen to stress that they are in no way trading on stereotypes as the villains in the game are in fact many different types of Muslim.

The creators have also defended the game against allegations of treating the issue of torture too lightly, insisting that the ramifications of “enhanced interrogation” are actually shown in the game. Chuck Woodhead, the chief designer, said, “There is a definite moral message to the game. For instance, let's say you have to get information from some guy, say, Mohammed Jihadiman. You need to get the information, but if you torture him too much, he might die and you won't be able to complete the game without going back and torturing him all over again, even though he's dead. So there's a degree of restraint you have to employ. If you want.”

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Pope: Water Useless Against Fires

In a statement that has drawn criticism around the world, Pope Benedict XVI has urged firemen to stop trying to put out fires with water.

The papal edict came ahead of the Pope’s visit to Africa where he is set to open eighty new franchises of Catholicism. The trip is seen as key in bolstering the church’s market share in the region. A papal spokesman said, “Africa is a really exciting place for us at the moment. You’ve got this wonderful lack of education plus a general hopelessness in people’s lives, which does make accepting Catholic teaching an attractive proposition. Promise people a front row seat at the Rapture, and you’d be amazed at what you can get them to do.”

However, the trip has been overshadowed by the Pope’s claim about the ability of water to extinguish fires, which he says has no appreciable effect and can actually make fires worse. Asked what measures firemen should take when confronted with raging infernos, the Pope replied that, “Reading a bit of scripture to the flames and billowing smoke, whilst they continue to rise up into the sky, usually does the trick.”

The Pope has also countered any allegations of pontifical inflexibility by offering a variety of solutions to combustible masses. “If you’ve got a chip pan fire, the passage from Leviticus about not eating shellfish normally works a treat. And if it’s a simple wood fire, I always find that reading Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians can be a great help in these sorts of situations.

But if you find your boiler’s blown up like an evangelist at a gay pride march, then it’s best to say ten Hail Mary’s, click your heels three times… then run like hell.” The Pope was later seen trying to converse with a snake, chasing the reptile as it attempted to wriggle away from his questions.

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

“Get Thee To A Nunnery” says Donaldson

With Britain’s binge-drinking epidemic leaving an entire nation walking round with their trousers round their ankles, christening dustbins; the Chief Medical Officer, has urged the general public to up sticks and join their local convent. Where they are expected to begin life anew, through an emphasis on holiness, abstinence and vicious thrashings for anyone questioning God’s infinite love.

But Sir Liam has been forced to defend his proposals against allegations of close-minded asceticism. "Life in a nunnery can actually be quite fun," he has countered, "Look at Sister Act or Nuns on the Run. These people are either singing James Brown numbers or watching birds in the shower. Top stuff." However, a trial run of Donaldson’s scheme has so far proved inconclusive, with clergy failing to report any significant behavioural changes.

A clearly shaken vicar who did not wish to be named said, "We took a load of screaming bints and locked them in the chapel over the weekend. But before you could say ‘Big Brother auditions’, they’d smashed their way into the vestry and chuffed all the communion wine. They wouldn’t respect religion unless it was some kind of fizzy Holy Ghost alcopop."

The Office for National Statistics has also questioned Donaldson’s proposals. Stating that should all the nation’s binge-drinkers enter holy orders, only six people would be left to run the country. One of the six, Michael Coogan from Derby, was quoted as saying "I’m all right filling in for a few people but an entire nation? It’s enough work trying to replace the photocopier toner."

Brown’s response to the proposal has also been lukewarm, "If Sir Liam feels the way to sort out the scum of the country is to take away their bottles, he has woefully underestimated the resourcefulness of the British poor. Regardless of the rules we put in place, a Saturday night tenner in a Bromley lass’s hand pretty much guarantees that she’ll have her knockers out by 10pm and will be boffing Darren from the Estate against the bins by quarter past."

Yet some Bromley residents don’t share the government’s scepticism. A spokesman for a consortium of "legitimate businessmen" happily supported the notion of government restrictions on alcohol during times of economic depression; saying that the proposal had historically proven to be very profitable indeed.

Friday, 13 March 2009

Ugandan Comic Relief to Boost British Manufacturing

Fundraisers in Kampala were expecting record donations following a plea from the British manufacturing industry, which has captured the hearts of the Ugandan people. An appeal was launched after Ugandans saw news reports showing the perilous state of the British economy in general and the fate of industry workers in particular.

“They looked so sad,” said Hassan Obua, “you could see the hope draining from their eyes.” Determined to do his own little bit, Obua is putting himself through a challenge familiar to many a charity fundraiser. “I was going to do the whole day in a bath of beans thing. But as this is Uganda we'll have to downscale a little bit. So what I’ll be doing is sitting for an hour or so with my big toe in a small cup of maize.” Such generosity is being repeated today across the developing world.

However, with the Ugandan economy itself in a fragile state (though in admittedly less debt), organisers have been keen to stress that the money will be directly allocated to good causes; and not passed through the hands of potentially untrustworthy government intermediaries. “Give a lorry driver in Doncaster a fish,” said David Makooza, “and he will deep fry it. But give that same man the means to catch fish. Now he just needs to worry about getting a deep fat fryer.”

Thursday, 12 March 2009

YouTube to pull music videos: Ninja Cat issues condemnation

Teenage girls and socially impotent men living with their parents were facing devastation at the news that YouTube plans to pull thousands of music videos over a royalties row. In a coruscating indictment of the move, one user, MrShOOtweasel, posted, “Wat am I gun do wit mi time now? Red a book? Dat is gay.”

The legal move inspired a number of commentary videos, including a woman crying on a bed screaming “LEAVE YOUTUBE ALONE! JUST LEAVE IT ALONE!” However, such videos have failed to capture the mood of users, with comments including “what a bunch of douche” and “u shud go n sit on a tack n bleed frm ur ass,” being not uncommon.

In a bold statement of unity by the YouTube mainstream, several novelty acts have spoken out against the decision, believing it to be an affront to artistic expression. The star of ‘Cat attacks washing machine’ said, “I appreciate that this row is a result of the difficulties of trying to protect artists’ rights in what is essentially a developing medium on a digital platform, which has yet to be structured along traditional capitalist models. But seriously, no Sk8er Boi, that sucks!”


State handouts to deceased slammed: zombies claim discrimination

Bankers across the country were thanking their lucky stars today following a series of embarrassing fiscal revelations at the government’s expense. Not content with buying up toxic debt, it appears that treasury finance chiefs have been making sizeable payments to individuals whose health had “severely waned”. An opposition spokesperson has been quoted as saying that “government policy on job seeker’s allowance and housing benefit was misguided enough, but no rationale whatsoever could be put forward for providing, say, income support to the recently deceased.”

A spokesperson for the dead defended the distributed funds, claiming it was necessary due to the high cost of living faced by the departed. “It’s a nightmare,” said Victor Sparrow through a medium based on the Tottenham Court Road, “people think it’s all ambrosia and clouds but it’s not. You've got to find money for food, transport and heating. I mean, it’s freezing down here in the barren wastelands of eternity. All we are demanding is a bit of money to help cushion ourselves from an unending cycle of torment.”

The government has tried to reclaim some of the money but has run into problems when trying to contact the claimants’ relatives. Cheryl Anderson, a civil servant in the Department for Work and Pensions said, “When you phone people up, they just claim that they’ve never heard of their own dad. It’s pretty stupid.”


Friday, 6 March 2009

Mandelson in Green Custard Attack: Dr Seuss to Blame?

A major manhunt was launched today following an attack on Lord Mandelson. The Business Secretary was stunned entering a low-carbon summit in London when he was pelted with green custard by a mystery assailant. Scotland Yard believe the choice of weapon may be key to identifying those behind the attack. Sources close to the commissioner have revealed that the use of a ludicrously coloured foodstuff points unmistakably to a shadowy body known only as the “Seuss” organization.

A militant wing of this same group is believed to have been behind last year’s siege of the Uruguayan Parliament: when ten heavily-armed “Cats In Hats” took forty-two hostages. A tense stand-off ensued as the hostage takers issued their demands, ranging from a car made out of toffee apples and cream cakes for anyone named Walter, but negotiations stalled on their third demand for an end to political corruption, which the government dismissed as being unworkable. The siege ended in a bloody shoot-out with three Cats In Hats gunned down. A revenge attack saw Floob-Boober-Bab-Boober-Bubs blow himself up in a crowded market in Accra.

More liberal supporters of Seussianism have been quick to distance themselves from the more radical elements believed to be carrying out the attacks; insisting that they are a pacifist organization, committed to world peace, the continued discolouring of foodstuffs in a humorous fashion and wacky poetry. In response to the latest attack, the foundation released the following statement:

Wasps are in the pantry,
boiling all my shoes,
A crow shouts “Dragonfly”,
he's blowing Penny Chews.
A duck sits reading,
wearing mouse's hooves,
But sliming dear poor Mandy?
I cannot this approve.

The police enquiry continues.