Friday, 30 October 2009

Halloween special: X-Factor preview

It's nearly time for Halloween, a time when the Earth is haunted by the spirits of the undead and the foul and most wretched creatures are seen throughout the land. Which is why it's time for a preview of this week's X-Factor.

It's week 4 and the nerves are beginning to show. Who will be the first to crack? Who will fall and be consigned to walk the open mike circuit in pubs across the country until they get a real job? Who will be the first to show one ounce of charisma, making them totally unsuitable for warbling the emotionally manipulative pap the eventual winner will be forced to churn out for eons? The Chum Bucket looks at the runners and riders of the show that defies description. Other than "A show that showcases braindead cretins who are judged by cash-hungry whores, which is watched by fuckwits." Good times!

Up first it's those loveable twins John and Edward Grimes have been described as talentless, unable to sing and are destroying the credibility of the show. Which is saying something for a show dogged by vote rigging, psychological torture of its contestants and featuring Dannii Minouge as a judge for good singing. But these spritely young fellows have a lot on their side. The fact that objective analysis is a stranger to the voting public. Robert Lister, a truck driver from Norwich said, "I just do whatever annoys Simon Cowell, that'll show the big fat money maker, making money from all the calls I'm making and giving him money."

Next is the guy with the big hair, Frank or Worrell or something. Judge Cheryl Cole speaks very highly of him or him or whoever it is. "Dennis or Shane or something has got that special something. It's niceness or pleasantness or inoffensiveness or possibly something that I just can't put my finger on. If Nigel or Sarah or Lizzie can win over the hearts of the people, he's got every chance of winning. Or losing. I just don't know. Don't ask me, I'm too pretty to talk."

Then there is some other guy or a girl or a horse or a cabinet full of jelly or some 17-year old from stage school who'll cry or some stuff like that. For f**ks sake, whatever happened to this country? We used to produce rock stars like Mick Jagger, Keith Moon and David Bowie, people who took music and infused it with soul, purpose and passion. Now? Now we're just left with a bunch of prissy, no-talent, karoake-singing bums who just stand there, showing no kind of - [Ed - and we'll leave it there. The Chum Bucket blogger will be taking a period of extended leave. Happy Halloween everyone!]

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Media hype over Arsenal's youngsters the best yet, say experts

A narrow 2-1 victory over Liverpool's reserves completed and the verdict is in. Those who saw the game all agree to a man that the media hype surrounding Arsenal's second XI could be one of the finest that the country has ever produced. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has urged fans not to get too excited about the hyperbole although he himself admits that the over-exaggeration of some young people kicking a ball around a field could go on to do great things.

"We've had some great knee-jerk reactions in the past," said Wenger, "and if you're going to blow smoke up someone's arse, you need time to develop that level of overblown copy. But I have to say that this sensationalism could surpass them all. I'm talking tabloid coverage of an England World Cup campaign here."

The reasons to get excited about the level of hot air are many. Examples include The Daily Telegraph's Bob Newby who is the heartbeat of the side, spraying out glib platitudes from his position in centre midfield. Up front is the livewire forward from The Sun Eric 'The Hack' Webber. Although temperamental, Webber is capable of unleashing a barrage of effusive descriptions that may or may not have any kind of inherent meaning.

Many who were at the game will fondly remember his praise for Arsenal's Aaron Ramsey. "He's got hawk DNA!" yelled Webber, blowing away anyone who tried to comprehend what he was saying.

Media commentator on media commentary, Professor Julia Evincer of the University of Ersatz Academia said that these journalists were indeed on their way to being the biggest bunch of windbags in a generation. "We won't see their like again. Well, until next year."

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

MPs fight for the right to employ the only people that don't hate them

The backlash against Christopher Kelly's report into MPs expsenses has begun with MPs insisting that they should be allowed to employ family members on the grounds that everyone else thinks that they are scum. MPs claim that they have tried to hire ordinary members of the public in the past but the results have disastrous. Minister for the Cabinet, Tessa Jowell, revealed her difficulties with the recommended practice. "It was a nightmare. I had one secretary work just one morning in my department. The next I heard, she had decided to jump off a bridge. It's only my daughter who can put up with me. And that's only because I'm putting her through nursery."

Tory MP David Wilshire told of his problems in hiring outside help. "I interviewed one promising secretary and things seemed to be going well. I said 'What are your strengths?' She said, 'Good typing, I'm diligent and I have a good phone manner.' When I asked her about her weaknesses, she replied, 'I'll be poisoning your tea.' Now my wife and I may have some disagreements such as her screaming 'I hate your fat, pudgy, good for nothing face!' every time she wakes up. But it's never gotten to the point where I thought she was going to do put mousetraps in the filing cabinet."

A compromise should hopefully be reached over the issue of expsense with Kelly expected to implement a quota of outright thievery. Kelly said, "Of course the public are angry about the amount of greed and trough-guzzling that has been going on. But then again there's been public anger over so many things that MPs are quite used to it now. The war, cash for honours, the recession, I could go on. So it's important that we set a level of permissible larceny so everyone can stop getting angry and concentrate on X-Factor or whatever plemogram is occupying their time."

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Swine flu pandemic forces footballers to confront real life

The spread of swine flu amongst the Premier League's top teams is threatening to derail the rest of the football season with many of the league's top stars laid low after having to confront reality. The knock-on effect of catching the virus is that many of the players no longer have any hiding place from things that they thought only affected the poor. Peter Crouch, of Tottenham Hotspur, was in shock over the revelations. "This sort of thing does make you think, which I pay a lot of money to people so that they can do that for me."

Such is the impact that swine flu has made on footballers' consciousnesses that it has led to question every aspect of their existence. James Beattie, of Stoke City, spoke of the epiphany that he had recently undergone. "It was amazing. One morning I woke up and I suddenly realised that I had no idea of how to dress myself. Normally my eagle butler does that for me but ever since Mr. Tuttle has been put in quarantine, it's been a real struggle. If anybody does have any idea about to put clothes on, could you get in touch?"

The Premier League however is confident that footballers will soon be able to return to the bubble in which they live. A spokesman for the organisation said that measures have been taken to stop the spread of reality impacting on its members. From now on all football changing rooms are to sealed off from anyone who has tested positive for earning less than forty grand a week.

Monday, 26 October 2009

Pope: Turn Catholic and win a fridge!

The Catholic church has announced its largest recruiting drive in a generation with the Vatican offering members of the Anglican community wholesale conversions in Rome and the chance to win big, big prizes. The items on offer range from teatowels to all-ivory cutlery to sewing accessories.

In his statement, the pontiff Pope Benedict XVI made his message about the chance to join the papacy. Speaking on the QVC Shopping and Religious Affairs Channel, the Pope said, "Hi, I'm Joseph and I'm here to talk to you today about the wonderful benefits of Catholicism. You know, people often say to me 'Hey Jo, I want to get to heaven but I belong to a branch of Christianity that does not hold to a literal interpretation of the Bible. There's got to be an easier way!' Well help is at hand.

"Our conversions to the Catholic faith are out of this world. If you're not satisfied with the acceptance of transubstantiation and the promotion of the Tridentine mass, I'll whip a monkey. I like the product so much, I run the whole damn business!"

The invitation by the Pope has drawn criticism from the Anglican Church who are desperate not to lose any more believers from their dwindling flock. The Archbishop of Canterbury said, "Catholicism may offer many things such as moral absolutism, hotter women and the chance to win a new kitchen in the colour of your choice.

"But the Church of England can offer a great deal of things to any interested worshipper. Things such as cup of tea plus the chance to opt back in when you're faced with imminent death. Name me one other branch of Christianity that does that. Other than the Unitarians, the Baptists and the one where they worship Jesus in the form of a leopard."

However, many within the Church of England fear the pull of the papacy, especially given the Catholic church's unveiling of its new slogan: "The Catholic church: Because we know what you've done."

Friday, 23 October 2009

Economists face their longest ever stretch of being wrong

The country is still in recession with with no-one sure about where the next pound will show up. And now, newly released figures showing that Britain is facing a long stretch of having no economists who know what they are f**king talking about. The period of having to suffer thick-brained experts who have the temerity to call themselves doctors could be the longest in the country's history.

Rob Logan, a civil servant working under Chancellor Alistair Darling, despaired at the lack of any kind of economic expert in the country. "I had one in the other day from Manchester University. He promised the recession would soon be over. I asked him how he knew. He said the elf choir that live in the custard tree had promised it. I asked him to show me the proof but he had forgotten which plastic bag his papers were in. Incredible. I had to pay five grand for that."

Economists are quick to defend their theories and are keen to stress that the recession will be over soon. Professor Edward Quinlack of the Ersatz Institute of Academia has given his approval to economic growth. "If my theories are correct, we should see unparalled growth in every sector that it is left in the year. This is because the moon is crying and the half-pig man will shortly be married to the elventh son of the blossom king. And if that doesn't produce economic growth, I don't know what will. Now I'd like twenty grand please."

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Millions expected to watch Question Time pantomime special

The BBC is looking forward to bumper viewing figures ahead of its Question Time pantomime special. Normally home to plodding political debate, this week's programme will tell the story of evil BNP leader Nick Griffin and his quest to steal a magic lamp from a sleeping beauty giant with a magic beanstalk. In boots. The programme will have the familiar interactive element with the audience able to boo every time Griffin says, "Now I'm not a racist but...', to which the audience will shout, "Oh yes you are!"

Other roles include Jack Straw who will play a brave but feeble-minded prince whilst his floundering and even more feeble-minded sidekick will feature Liberal Democrat Home Affairs spokesman Chris Huhne.

The roles of the Aesthetically-challenged Sisters will be taken by Bonnie Greer and Baronness Warsi. Veteran broadcaster David Dimbleby will take up the role of Buttons, the lovable scamp who will finish the night with a song.

A BBC insider said, "We're really excited about this. We're getting candy floss, toffee apples and everything. Some might say that this just shows how pathetic mainstream politics has become, that we're reduced to some childish bantering backwards and forwards without actually discussing the vital issues of the day. But those people I would say this, there's fricking candy floss!"

There has been a fair amount of controversy over Griffin's appearance but the BNP leader seems unfazed by it all. "Listen darling," said Griffin, "I've been in this game for a long time and I've seen it all. I've had eggs thrown at me, been jeered and do you know what, I've loved every minute of it. That's what it's all about, getting a rise out of people. You don't think I believe all that stuff about racial segregation do you? It's a laugh darling, I'll do a little goose step, casually drop in a reference to Oswald Moseley and make a joke about wearing a brown shirt. It's all giggles luvvie, just giggles."

One person working on the programme who asked to remain anonymous said, "This is a f**king travesty."

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Goldman Sachs: Society worth destroying in pursuit of bonuses

Chairman of Goldman Sachs, Lord Griffiths, has insisted that society must be willing to collapse to allow bankers their rightful bonuses. The chairman of the bank told a captive audience that the public must learn to tolerate inequality in bankers' pay for a greater investment in the economy.

Speaking at the dinner, Griffiths said, "Say I am pissing in your face and laughing as I do it. Now, you may say to me, 'Excuse me but you've urinated in my face and are giggling whilst continuing to spew forth a large amount of piss into my face.' I would say to you that yes, I am soaking your face in effulent and having a riotous time whilst I'm at it. But at least I am taking the time to give you a golden shower and then possibly crap in your hair afterwards. I could be doing this with someone else you lucky, lucky devil.

"If we are to go forward as a society, those of us not pressing buttons and hoping numbers go up must be prepared to accept a large amount of piss coming their way. It's the only fair way. Although I'm not immune to the pains of society. It pains me to see a child out on the streets. Because that child could be working down a mine or in a clothing factory. But yet it's just lying there, wasting its time and not being economically viable."

Mr Griffiths finished his remarks before heading onto London's streets with a large net on a reported "recruitment drive."

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Police to investigate The Daily Mail for being The Daily Mail

Police are set to investigate Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir after ten of thousands of people complained about her article on Stephen Gately's death being filled with some of the worst kind of Daily Mail imaginable. Constable Alec Peters confirmed that he would be looking into the offending article. "If there's been a complaint made about vitriolic abuse, incitement of hatred and clear instances of Daily Mail, then we have to investigate."

The uproar over Moir's article is a result of her insinuation that Gately's death due to natural causes was linked to him being a homosexual. "Sure, there might be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this tragedy which might be established by some scientific method," wrote Moir, "But that's exactly what gays want you to believe. That way it won't seem strange when they crawl into our ears at night and lay their eggs."

Editor of the Daily Mail, Paul Dacre, defended the article. "Yes the article did contain clear elements of prejudice," said Dacre, "there was also quite a bit of ignorance and factual inaccurarcy too. But the again, if you're going to establish editorial guidelines, they need to be maintained."

The publication of the article caused an outbreak of outrage, ironically the same type that is normally fermented by the Daily Mail in response to programmes it hasn't seen. One of the plaintives was Greg Halford who posted: "As a gay man, I have taken some abuse over my sexuality. I've been shouted at, beaten up and called all kinds of horrendous names. But I have never had to put up with this sort of Daily Mail. It beggars belief"

Monday, 19 October 2009

Benitez blames freak goal on crap team

Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez has laid the blame for his side's defeat at Sunderland on a complete shambles of a team who cannot tell a football from a giant red inflatable beach ball. "I have gone over this many times in training with them," said the Liverpool manager. "A football is a generally white object that is also round. A giant red beach ball is not. Some may say it is a freak goal that shouldn't have ever been given.

"But I say that it just shows that this is a shower of footballers put together for an outrageous amount of money that still can't clear their f**king box. How are we going to defend against a rampaging Real Madrid team featuring Ronaldo, Kaka and Benzema if we're completely bedevilled by a f**king beach ball? What a bunch of f**kers!"

Many managers have come to Benitez's defence, insisting that putting out a useless team is something that can happen to any manager. Former England boss Steve Mclaren lent his support saying, "It's happened to me so many times that it's not even worth bothering myself about. I've done everything I can to get a win and then up pops a complete bunch of no-hopers with Scott Carson in goal."

Friday, 16 October 2009

Beckham's man of the match award 'an affront to God'

Giving David Beckham the man of the match award for his performance against Belarus will surely bring about a wave of annihilation and pestilence of biblical proportions according to top football pundits. Floods, locusts and pillars of fire raining down upon the country from a great height are the best that the nation can hope for given the offence caused.

The award has invoked such an almighty furore that the only way for Western civilisation to save itself is to sacrifice Owen Hargreaves by burning him at the stake whilst Peter Crouch does his robot celebration to the tune of Will Young's cover of Light My Fire.

Jeff Powell, of the Daily You're Not From Around Here Are You? insisted that the award given to the man who had been kicking a football around a field should have gone to another man who had been kicking a football around a field for a bit longer and had probably done a bit better. Yet the man who had been kicking a football around a field and had done some good kicking had got the award instead. "It's a travesty," said Powell, "If we don't give the award to the right man kicking a ball around a field then where are we as a nation? I'll tell you where. The Island of Dung, that's where."

Steve Bruce, the man who has brought the almighty wrath of God upon the nation, defended his choice of player. "For me, David Beckham was the best kicker of the ball on the rectanglar piece of grass. I know Peter Crouch kicked the ball into the net twice but I just felt that David's kicking on the grass gave him the edge. So I'm sorry that we'll all burn in an almighty flood of fire and sulphur but I stand by my choice of good kicker."

A spokesperson for the Almighty confirmed that the Blessed Lord who is all-knowing, all-seeing and all-loving would have gone for Gareth Barry.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Celebrities in mad rush to be photographed with disappearing Arctic ice

It is the crisis that everyone feared but never thought would come crashing down like a twat's fist in Leona Lewis's face. Now the worse fears of a generation have been realised. How will Madonna find time for a photoshoot with the Arctic's vanishing ice caps whilst continuing to pump out disco anthems for gay men in their forties? It seems like the frozen wasteland has refused to reschedule its imminent destruction, which has put the perfectly set nose of many today's celebrity ecowarriors out of joint.

Sting is said to be particularly irate at what is going on. "We've got to do something before it's too late. I am willing to make a sacrifice never previously seen before in the history of mankind. Forget Oscar Schindler, forget Jesus and forget Mother Theresa. If the ice caps start growing again, I'll delay recording my next album featuring Albanian orphans on spoons and which ever ethnic music is fashionable at the moment."

The inhabitants of the Arctic have also become anxious over their future. One polar bear named Vince Cornfoy confirmed his worries about his imminent demise. "This is my livelihood. I've got a shoot with Vogue to get done plus there's the 2010 cutsie wutsie calendar to get finished off.

"There's the next series of Blue Planet to fit in plus I'm told that Woody Allen wants to set his next movie here. Apparently I'm up for a neurotic misanthrope who constantly has sex with younger female polar bears. If these ice caps go, where am I going to go? The only place that's whiter than the Arctic is Kensington. And that's not cheap." Mr. Cornfoy did confirm that he remains available for acting work, corporate events and collaborations with Damon Albarn.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Ryanair passengers to power their own flights

He has proposed a charge for using the toilet, a tax on those that cannot avoid stuffing their mouth with chips and asks for money for the simple task of checking in. Now Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary has unveiled his lastest plan for annoying every other single airline on the planet. From next year, Ryanair passengers will be allowed to remain in their seats or be able to take advantage of a discount and power their flight through an extensive session on a treadmill.

O'Leary defended the proposed venture saying, "Have you seen the price of fuel these days? It's ridiculous. And you see all these people on the plane, just sitting there, not doing a fecking thing apart from reading or desperately holding on whilst the only toilet is in use.

"I thought to myself, the plane's doing all the work here. These lazy feckers are having the time of the lives, buying crappy sandwiches and paying over the odds for drinks. Let's get 'em working."

Trial runs of the new scheme have already been tried with some success. Around one hundred and forty people were able to give a Boeing 747 a jump start and the galleys that keep the wings flapping have been operating at near full efficiency.

Less successful have been the attempts to replace the breaking devices with people holding their hands against the ground as they try and bring the plane to a stop. One passenger Edward Bridges told of his attempts to scrimp money back. "I was one of the people trying to make the plane skid to a halt by dragging my feet outside the window. But all we ended up doing was crashing into the terminal and taking several layers of skin off my hand. But I did save thirty quid. Nice one!"

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Robbie Williams' next album to be the last fuelled by hatred of Gary Barlow

Robbie Williams is back. After three years of cultivating facial hair that only a leper colony could love and time spent chasing the UFOs that only seem to appear to mad people, the fat dancer from Take That makes his return. His new album is released next month and is rumoured to be based around world events and ruminations on pretty girls rather than why Gary Barlow is no-talent jarhead who is really jealous of Robbie because he got to do it with which ever one of the Appleton sisters from All Saints was available.

The feud between the two reached epic heights when Barlow hit back at Robbie in a song called Everyone Knows That It's Guy Chambers Who Does All The Work. In response to this, Williams decided that enough was enough and he deserved to have his say through song. Now writing without Chambers, Williams came up with the reggae smash Mr Smelly, which featured the lyrics "Mr Smelly, that's Gary Barlow/He's so fat, he flies in cargo". The single failed to chart and was panned across by most five year olds who make up the majority of Williams's fans.

Williams now insists that he is a changed man. "I've matured as a person, I've really grown up and I'm no longer addicted to painkillers, cocaine, heroin, iron railings, shoe polish, remote controls and chicken jalfrezi. I no longer touch bike pumps, orange squash, pencil sharpeners and Now That's What I Call Music 48. I know that I'll always be an addict but if I can just stay off acid, Vicodin, the poetry of Erza Pound, mops plus all that stuff I mentioned earlier, I know I'll stay happy. Although I could really do with some crack."

Monday, 12 October 2009

MPs to reject report which claims they are utter shits

The auditor looking into the legitimacy of MPs expenses has compiled his report and the picture he has drawn is much the same as a seven year old's attempt to capture the Cornwall countryside; not pretty. Sir Thomas Legg's findings will show that a small minority of MPs are not taking advantage of their role as representatives of the people. However, the rest are the worst kind of scumbags known to humanity whose self-inflated sense of importance allows them to gorge on expenses because they feel they can pride themselves on twelve solid years of helping the country to go down the toilet.

But given that a large majority are contemptible jackasses whose only real talent is implementing mediocrity on a nationwide scale, most MPs are set to reject Legg's findings in order to keep themselves in gold-plated everything.

Ann Widdicombe, Conservative MP feels that she has done nothing wrong. "I have acted within the rules the entire time. Within the rules that I created obviously, which means that I decide what's right and wrong. So if I choose to be wrong, I will be. But I won't because I'm great."

Many of the MPs feel that the expenses are necessary for their work. John Mann, Labour MP, is insistent that they are required. "I have an exceptionally hard job to do and these expenses allow me to do that job. A job that requires not implementing regulation for the banking sector leading to the biggest recession ever seen in the Western world. A job that goes a long way to increasing the gap between rich and poor, leading to a more unequal society and a job that requires the continued loss of civil liberties. Which is why I need a swimming pool the size of Carlisle. In each wing. In each of my houses."

Friday, 9 October 2009

Trafalgar Square plinth breaks barrier of a million shouts of "Prick!"

It happened at 3:29 this morning. Derek Combes, a video clerk from Hounslow who had been on the lash in celebration of his friend's eleventh divorce in six years, was walking through Trafalgar Square. Up on the plinth was Eric Potter, an amateur magician from Rickmansworth as part of the 'Aren't Common People Interesting Too?' installation by Anthony Gormley. Eric's allotted hour had not been going well. The doves he had intended to release had already been eaten by the pigeons and his card trick had been a failure due someone taking fifteen minutes to overcome the twenty foot drop between the plinth and the ground to "take a card, any card."

It was at this point that Combes made his own inadvertent piece of history. Casually walking by he happened to look up and see Potter's attempts to make a hat disappear. The botched job meant that the only missing item was Potter's dignity. Expressing his contempt for the entire operation, Combes emitted the millionth "Prick!" delivered at the performers on the plinth. To mark this piece of history, a firework display was unleashed and a thousand doves took to the sky to spell out PRICK in synchronised formation.

Chief curator of the installation, Michael Billingham, was delighted to have reached the million prick mark. "We've had a phenomenal response from the general public. They've been really imaginative with their choice of insults. We had four thousand 'arseholes' on the first day alone, we're about to cross the one hundred thousand 'twat' line and it's been another bumper day for 'turdlicker'."

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Postal strike to leave millions stranded without junk mail

The members of the postal union CWU have voted for industrial action by a majority of 3-1. The irony of postal workers deciding to take any sort of action seems to have been lost on at least 75% of those voting. The ramifications of this vote mean that the country will have to go for long stretches of time without important documents that they could easily get by email.

Sales worker Ellen Hutt said, "I'm devastated. Where am I going to get my bank records? Oh wait, they're all online. I'll just Skype my landlord to let him know that his rent will be on its way."

But for those people who are so lonely that junk mail is their only communication with the outside world, the results could be devastating. Secretary Pam Finesse is anxious about missing out on letters that advertise crap she does not need. "I just love getting a message about loans that I would never ever take in a million years. I'm very happy with my phone company but it's just nice to know that there is another one offering outstanding rates."

Civil servant Gordon Bloom describes the levels of desperation reached after a period without any mail. "There was a man pushing Indian takeaway menus through the door. I ran outside, hugged him tightly and said, 'You're a hero young man'. He then ran off before calling me a freak from the end of the road."

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Obama to snub William 'Braveheart' Wallace to appease the English

Following on from President Obama's snub of the Dalai Lama in order to ensure good tax breaks from China, the leader of the United States has confirmed that he will not be meeting with noted terroriser of the English armies, William 'Braveheart' Wallace. The reason behind this is a calculated endorsement of the relationship between the United States and the small island which sometimes proves useful as a military base in times of international conflict.

A spokesperson for the White House issued the following statement, "Although we are delighted to welcome Mr. Wallace and his band of pillagers and looters to our nation's capital, the President will be too busy dealing with other matters to talk to him about his issues of the importance of investing in shortbread and increased taxation on any food that isn't deep fried and covered in 'sos'."

Mr. Wallace was understandably furious at the snub saying, "Es tipical o these political c*nts. Ah got things to talk aboot but thae no wanna listen. Ah come all thus way by longboat to talk to the President but he's nae having it. Ah thot this wooz the land o the free boot it nae is. Youse all a bunch a c*nts."

Monday, 5 October 2009

Cameron to bring back the workhouse

The Conservative party has unveiled its plans to build neo-Dickensian holding spaces for the workshy and the smelly. The new communes will feature up-to-date facilities such as the most modern delousing equipment and brand spanking new recreational spaces where the dregs of society will be able to spend the time in which they are not required to spend 18 hours breaking up rocks banging their heads against a wall. A Conservative spokesperson said, "We see this as a really exciting opportunity for scum."

The Tories plans seem to have caught the mood of the nation. Reg Dwyer, a baker from Luton said, "I personally think it's a good idea. For too long these people who have been left behind by successive governments without the necessary training and education have been given a free ride. You see them loitering in the streets, drinking and smoking and really not contributing to a society that sees them as useless."

The Conservatives have been keen to stress that this new policy does not rule out payments to those unable to work. Benefits will be allocated to anyone who has suffered an injury whilst playing polo, choking on lobster parfait or thrashing their butler. The workhouses will also be rebranded to ensure a positive sheen on the whole backbreaking experience. The properties will not be known as workhouses but as "Scrubbers' Retreats".

Thursday, 1 October 2009

The Brooke Shields photo debate: Is it pornography or just shite art?

It's the question that has got the art world buzzing and furiously musing over glasses of Viognier and nibbles. Does the photo of a naked ten-year old Brooke Shields constitue pornography or is it simply a piece of hack sensationalism that is frequently passed for art by braindead divs? The Chum Bucket asks for both sides of the debate with the columnist from The Daily You're Not From Around Here Are You? Carole Bismuth and artist and freelance crackwhore Dashiell Getarealjob taking up the challenge.

String the photo up says Carole Bismuth

First of all, I'll admit that it takes little to get me outraged. Every time I wake up and open the curtains, I am so appalled by what I see in the world that I spew invective at anyone I see. I then ask my maid, Zevitsa, to type up what I have screamed at her and formulate it into some sort of column.

However, when I heard someone gossiping about what they had read about the reports of this controversy, my hackles were raised to such a degree that Zevitsa could not understand what I was saying and I had to be sedated. This isn't art at all. Constable, that's art. A picture of a village green in the 18th century, now that is saying something. It says things are so nice, why ask questions?

Today's artists have lost all sense of what they are supposed to do. Are they here to challenge people's views? Are they here to comment on society and its peculiar attitudes to children and sexuality? No. They are here to produce nice pictures that can hang on my wall so that when people come to my house, they can say "Oh, you've got such nice taste" and I can say "Yes, yes I have."

The photo must remain says Dashiell Getarealjob

What is art? Is it a painting? Is it a photo of a man playing Swingball with a potato? Is it the recreation of the Battle of Ypres using only dancing question marks? Is it an installation piece where a monkey learns to play the clarinet whilst three hundred mice are shot for treason? No, this is all borgeouis make-believe and highly silly.

The very essence of art is to feel, to experience a furious range of emotions and to question how much people are willing to pay for the corpses of three hundred mice and a woodwind-playing primate called Fizzy.

That is why I believe the photo must remain in the gallery. Because what is art if it does not question? What is art if it does not arouse in people the urge to say "That is child pornography, pure and simple and has no place in a gallery"? This is exactly the type of inciendary sensation that I will attempt to stir up with my next installation piece, Man Loitering In A Clump Of Bushes Next To A Spanish Language School. I will be that man.