Wednesday, 27 January 2010

We're changing our name!


Thanks loads for reading our satirical musings, whether you're a follower, occasional reader, or frequent visitor. We've got a bit of news for you about our new master plan for our comedy group this year.

The Chum Bucket will henceforth be known as Dig For Victory.

The King is dead, long live the king, and all that. Anyway, we decided we’d take all this a bit more seriously, and what with the New Year, we fancied a bit of a name change to match our new-found assertiveness.

We’ll be closing this blog off in due course, but we’d be chuffed to bits if you could make the hop over to our new website here: We'll also transfer all our old articles across to an archive, so you'll always have access to any old favourites.

Also, if you'd like join our new Facebook page we can keep you posted on all our new podcasts, comics, satire, and news alongside invites to all of our live shows and events.

That’s it for now, thanks loads for following us so far. We hope you’ll join us for an exciting year.

Take care,

Dec, Matt, Nick & Rich.

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Cadburys takeover forces Milk Tray Man to become a gigolo

The takeover of chocolate giant Cadburys by US food manufacturer Kraft will result in large job losses with many of the much loved figures associated with the company being given the boot. The news has hit the firm hard with many of the brands unable to come to terms with their fate. Early this morning, a Twirl bar was found to have hanged itself in the toilets. An accompanying note read, "Let's face it, I was always just a wannabe Flake."

The Caramel Bunny is one such new addition to the dole queue and she explained how the news was broken to her. "I was called into the head office and was told that I was being let go. It seems the new face of Cadburys Caramel will be a giant helicopter named Doug. He'll still have a seductive quality but apparently his sexual allure will be more helicopter-based."

Other noted changes of career include the Milk Tray man who will be a man hooker, paid to romance bored housewives and sexually curious farmhands. He seemed unsure about his new job although keen to get started. "On the plus side, it means I no longer have to climb through windows. But on the downside, I don't think I'll be able to make it through the day without crying."

The Americans' takeover means a new aggressive approach to advertising with old slogans given a bit more punch. One such example is the new campaign for Flake: "Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate, tastes like chocolate never tasted before. So buy it you faggot!"

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Google: China too evil, even for us

The internet giant, Google, will cease its Beijing operations due to the Chinese government becoming too villainous, even for a company as hell-bent on world domination as Google. A spokesperson for the company said, "We at Google set our standards low. There is no part of your life that we would happily seek to gain control of.

"Our new plan is to try and fill the air you breath with adverts, tiny invisible commericals that you have no idea sbout until they suddenly pop into your thoughts. That's how evil we are. But hey, we're not executing the mental ill."

The Chinese have responded with indifference to Google's actions. Prime Minister Wen Jiabao, stroking a bonsai tree, said, "Goodbye Mr. Google, so sad to see you go. But you'll be back, they always come back. And don't forget, we've always got Yahoo. Moo-haa, moo-haa, moo-ha-ha-ha-ha."

The withdrawal comes as the internet comes under increasing attack by the Japanese authorities. In the early hours of this morning, Ask Jeeves was shot by firing squad for alleged spying. Ironically, for a man who has spent his life answering queries, the last act of his life was to field the question "Do you have any last requests?"

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Zombies in failed coup against King of the Undead

A cabal of zombies has failed in its attempt to topple their leader, claiming that it was vital in order to prepare for the upcoming war against the vampires. Patricia Hewitt, a maggot-infested monster who has been roaming the Earth for eight thousand years, claimed that the King of the Undead was unfit to lead his armies into battle. "It's just an embarrassing situation," groaned Hewitt, "we all have flesh peeling off us but in order to secure victory against the vampires, we need someone who isn't just a mess of gibbering organs."

However, Hewitt's attempt to unseat the leader was cut off as the King's supporters came together to show their support. The king's financial adviser released a statement which read, "Dur, nur, grrrrr, full backing, dur, grrr, looking forward, venuh, blur, durr, dealing with the issues of today." The minister for zombie welfare was unable to comment due to feasting on brains.

But despite the failed coup, the move has raised the spirits of the Vampire hoardes. The confidence of the creatures of the night has been low after they revealed plans to bring in the private sector to increase blood sucking. But the news of the unsettled zombie army has brought a boost in their intent. "Surely now the night will draw in and our fangs will pierce the rancid necks of the undead," said a party aide.

Asked to comment on who out of the zombies or vampires will reign victorious, a member of the public replied, "Why can't they just sort out the f**king economy? Rather than this prancing around in fancy dress."

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Iran cuts off all contact with Loose Women

The regime in Iran has severed all ties with Western broadcasting, insisting that the Iranian population is at risk of being corrupted by the satanic influence of Location, Location, Location. An official spokesperson for the government outlined the reasons why they are shutting themselves off from The One Show. Gholamhossein Elham, the official spokesman for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's government condemned those whom he accused of waging a "soft war" against the regime.

"I see these programmes as having a clear intent on subverting the ideals of our government. One such example is Deal or No Deal, which espouses the idea that we can be in control of our fate. This is poisonous as we all know that our lives are controlled by the will of Allah. That, and Noel Edmonds is an utter anus."

The Iranian regime is widely known for being suspicious about outside influences. It has previously lashed out at the producers of the Hollywood film 300, accusing it of negatively portraying the Persians in a negative light. However, the producers hit back, saying that their film portrayed the medium of cinema in a bad light.

Thursday, 31 December 2009

What will happen in 2010

In its last post for 2009, the Chum Bucket will peer into the crystal ball, gaze into the future and then write some crap about tossers. The following predictions are not legally binding and are subject to alterations after actual events have happened.


Celebrity Big Brother faces ruin as the lack of any viewers means that no contestants are voted out for the first eight weeks. The entire nation is too busy working overtime to pay off their credit card debts whilst the core audience of unemployed sociopaths find more enjoyment in staring at a puddle.


Sick of being lambasted for trying to save the planet in his private jet, Sting leaves Earth to try and save Mars. "It's a desolate wasteground now," says Sting, "but with a lick of paint and some Mongolian folk music, we should be able to turn it around." He spends eight months trying to fix the planet but his efforts are in ruins after a NASA probe finds no signs of intelligent life.


The world is taken hostage after Eddie Murphy threatens to release more films. Despite the global recession, nations scramble around to meet the ransom. This stops Murphy from appearing in a British comedy with Horne and Corden, a combination scientists claim would have been the perfect storm of crap cinema.


Not only is Michael Owen left of England's World Cup squad, he is left out of his own house. Owen is determined to force his way back but breaks both legs whilst trying to put the key in the lock. "I'm not a quitter," says Owen, "although if it goes on much longer, I'll just buy another house."


Gordon Brown's attempt to call a general election fails. The Prime Minister dials the wrong number five times before throwing the phone at the wall. British law states that in the absence of a general election, the next Prime Minister must be a member of parliament who can show integrity and conviction. Due to the lack of any candidates, the country is ruled by mice.


Andy Murray is thrown out of Wimbledon after complaints over his excessive shouting. After winning every point, Murray is heard to be exclaiming, "You may break my service but you'll never take my freedom!"


England are knocked out of the World Cup after a last minute goal consigns them to an 8-0 defeat against Brazil. The Sun reacts with a headline of "Kill All Gypsies!"


A nationwide heatwave leads to Sharon Osbourne's face melting. Steve Lamacq promises to provide water to any home who can remember what he does.


David Cameron takes over the country with swift and crushing coup d'etat against the ruling mice. "I can't believe it's taken us this long to realise that they are an inch in size." Most of the mice are kept on in administrative capacities.


Katie Price kidnaps the Pope in order to hold onto her dwindling fame. When this doesn't work after the Pope magics himself away, Price changes her name to "Cure for AIDS." The AIDS virus sues for bringing its name into disrepute.


The climate change conference in Oslo is successful. All of the countries' leaders sign a binding agreement that they will turn up to a climate change conference next year.


The X-Factor is once again denied the number one slot at Christmas. An internet campaign succeeds in getting NWA's 'Fuck Tha Police' to the top spot. Cowell is magnanimous in defeat, "Fair play to them, it's a great record and the market for crap schmalz has run its course." The X-Factor winner is then put down.

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Student's attempt to blow up plane makes planned reunion awkward

The ex-UCL student who failed in his attempt blow up a plane in America has succeeded in ripping apart his classmates' plans for a meet-up. The actions of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab have made it increasingly difficult for the class of 2008 to get together. Danny Simpson, the graduate who had organised the meet-up, expressed his frustration at the ongoing situation. "I'm seriously pissed off. I had booked a table in Brown's, managed to get confirmations from everyone and then everyone is now backing out because Umar tried to blow up a plane." The spokesperson for the restaurant confirmed that Simpson would be losing his deposit.

Those who knew Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab are amazed at their former classmate's actions. The head of the engineering department in which Abdulmutallab was enrolled described the 23 year old as a "hard working student althought quiet. The only sign of any trouble was when he asked whether he could sign up for the Explosives in Pants workshop. We don't normally get many people interested."

Fellow student Alan Wicker remembers Abdulmutallab as a diligent worker although prone to eccentricity. "I remember he came up to me one day and said, 'I've got a bomb in my pants.' I said, 'Yeah, I also need to get laid.' He said, 'No seriously, I'm packing explosives.' I replied, 'Damn right, I call mine the Wrathful Cobra.'"