Tuesday, 30 June 2009

GRANITE: Decapitation “too good” for the likes of Burger

It's another game and another defeat for The British and Irish Lions. Once again The Chum Bucket asked former Durham Daredevils fly-half and established Sky Sports News commentator Reg Granite to give his verdict on the match; and to ask whether The Lions have a future as a touring team.

The Chum Bucket: It's another case of heartbreak for the Lions, losing the series with the last kick of the game. How are they going to cope with yet another Test Series defeat?

Reg Granite: Defeat is an ugly thing. It gnaws at you, you keep thinking about the mistakes you’ve made and the teammates you've let down. But you mustn’t get disheartened. You have to pick yourself up, get out onto the field, and do the same things all over again.

TCB: It certainly was a physical match, with the Springboks’ intentions apparent right from the start.

GRANITE: It was a damn disgrace what Burger did. There are some things you just don’t do on a rugby field. Throwing a punch, a boot to the ballbag, or a carefully concealed sock full of pool balls to the head? These are all part of the game; and I’ve got a sock full of pool balls for anyone who says any different. But what Burger did was a travesty.

TCB: Should he be banned?

GRANITE: He should be given hard labour and have his legs sawn off. He should be cut up and made into beef cutlets. He should be involved in a motorway pile up and be trapped for twelve hours just bleeding away like a leaking bottle of vermouth. Banning is just too good for him. He should be tried in a court of law and then sent to a rusty guillotine.

TCB: That sounds a bit harsh.

GRANITE: You've simply got to enforce discipline! This is rugby for crying out loud, not an organised barney between eight men outside The Barrels in Hereford after they’ve had one too many pints of rough of a Saturday night. Now there are occasions when you've got to kick, bite and chew all you can. And of course there are situations where it’s right and proper that your mouth be filled with blood, your ears be filled with screams and your hands be filled with bits of chin. We all know that there’s a time and a place for the mindless bloody evisceration of your fellow human beings and the homicidally violent extraction of psychopathically merciless revenge; but a Rugby field on a pleasant summer’s afternoon just isn’t one of them.

TCB: The injuries are mounting up for the Lions. Who do you think they’ll bring in?

GRANITE: They've got to go for class, someone who can make a real difference, someone who has that star quality which can turn a match.

TCB: Who will that be?

GRANITE: I've got no idea.

TCB: Finally, given that the Lions last won a Test Series a full eight years ago, can further tours really go ahead?

GRANITE: Absolutely. Playing on regardless is the measure of a team’s real character. You know, holding in there despite the embarrassment, the loss of pride, and the unending ridicule. Being able to carry on even though you’re being pointed and laughed at by pensioners and passing children in the street; that certainly was the hallmark of my career, and it’s what being a Lion is all about. The boys won’t be in any mood to give up, I can tell you, they’ll be just as confident as I am that they’ve got many a crushing defeat still left in them.

Monday, 29 June 2009

BBC to reveal how much money Graham Norton “earns”

The BBC is to be compelled to reveal its finances so the public can precisely see how their money is being allocated to utter drivel. Though the corporation is to continue in its apprehension at disclosing how much it pays individual oxygen thieves such as Chris Moyles. The reason being that the figures involved would destroy the concept of a fair and just universe in which financial remuneration is congruent with either talent or originality. This in turn would hand ammunition to the BBC’s competitors, who would discover how much license fee loot is dished out to persons that would even be looked down on by a pair of Buckfast-swigging bums. One BBC insider confessed, “It is absolutely vital that we don’t let on how much we pay Marcus Brigstock. You just couldn’t look your children in the face and tell them that people are essentially good inside.”

One intriguing revelation coming from the newly released figures is that the Scott Mills show on Radio 1, requires a weekly payment of £100,000 in order to purge his studio of the stench of failed humanity and piss poor entertainment. Director General Mark Thompson defended the outlay, saying, “If we don’t clean it after Mills has been in, the place is just an utter write-off. Everywhere he goes, he leaves behind this trail of rancid chat and soulless rubbish. But we think he’s worth it. I mean who else could do those wacky prank phone calls, that crass innuendo and er, those hilarious wacky phone calls? Your average child? Oh, I see your point.”

The BBC also plans to cut down on the swearing in its programs before the watershed, although it does now encourage its viewers to swear at what’s on if so moved to do. The announcement has come as a relief to many viewers, some of whom feel an unbearable urge to shout “This is utter sheep’s balls!” whenever Working Lunch comes on. Others, such as Harriet Frimsdale have expressed delight at being allowed to repeatedly yell “goose turd” at the screen whenever Bill Oddie appears, “Now that’s what I call interactivity,” she said, “never mind all this ‘press the red button now’ bollocks.”

Friday, 26 June 2009

World’s Lawyers “devastated” at Michael Jackson’s Passing

Tributes to Michael Jackson have been flooding in from law firms across the world, all praising the former pop star for the considerable amount of work he consistently put their way over the years. Herbert Dean of Weston, Blythe and Dean struggled to hold back the tears as he said, “To think that I'll never be able to see him again, to try not to laugh as I write down his version of events and say ‘Sure, sure, you just happened to be in bed with some children’ and never be able to send him an invoice for time spent on the toilet. I'm sorry, this is just all too draining. Financially I mean.”

Dubbed “The King of Pop” for his exploits in music, in the legal world he was known as “The High Priest of High Court Injunctions.” Jackson would attract a lawsuit at an average of one every twenty minutes. Due to having to give numerous depositions whilst recording his music, he would often become confused as to where he was and what he was supposed to be saying. The little known result of this was that the popular song Billie Jean had originally been given in response to a subpoena for an unpaid parking ticket.

Jackson's unerring ability to be sued over completely baseless allegations that would somehow keep returning, earned the admiration and salaries of many a legal firm. Christine Holmes senior litigator at Earth, Wind and Fire said, “That man put my kids through college and supported my two grand a day coke habit. He wasn't just there for me when everyone was doing it and the price fell. I mean during the 80s when it was pretty exclusive and you had to pay through the nose for it. And then put it up your nose.”

The world’s press is also grieving Jackson’s loss, even in the UK, where the papers are hardly famed for looking kindly on individuals who share what was Mr Jackson’s most persistently legally inconvenient “hobby.” The head of the United Kingdom's consular office in Los Angeles, when asked to explain this staggering volte-face on the part of the British media, replied, "Well, it probably wouldn't be fair to put the onus of responsibility entirely on the sunshine, apportioning blame should neither necessarily be placed exclusively on the moonlight..."

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

First Wimbledon twat to ‘ironically’ shout “Come on Tim” unmasked

A Mr Darren Hatton has been named as the first spectator at Wimbledon to shout out “Come on Tim,” thereby ensuring his status as an utter plank. The incident happened during the first round singles match between Elya Teenpornova and Vya Aydontnoweartolukaytha, both of whom are seventeen-year old Latvians who have been playing professional tennis for about sixteen years. At match point, Mr Hatton stood up and shouted “Come on Tiger Timmy!” before laughing in a world now filled only with silence and an increasing awareness of his own shame. In glancing around for moral support, Mr Hatton’s eyes were met only by a toddler, who spontaneously burst into tears; and an elderly All England Club member who merely shook his head slowly with his eyes tightly shut, silently mouthing the words “stupid, stupid, stupid.”

Though Mr Hatton’s malapropism was intended to cause mirth, Wimbledon officials were keen to stress that such remarks are at best either, totally unfunny, or at worst, completely confusing for those who have no idea who serial loser Tim Henman was. An umpire was heard to remark, “It might have been funny a couple of years ago. But this year? It’s like listening to some div reciting Monty Python routines at you for hours on end. And getting them wrong.”

But such perplexity appears rife at Wimbledon this year, with officials also growing increasingly concerned at the apparent conflation of ‘plucky’ with ‘shit.’ Senior steward, Leslie Knowles said, “It’s getting stupid now. Every time a British player goes out in straight sets to a one-armed dwarf that spends every other month of the year living underground, it’s described as plucky. When actually, they should be admitting that it’s shit. I saw one gentleman saying ‘Oh no, I’ve just stepped in some dog pluck. Would you mind awfully holding my strawberries? I shit them myself, you know.’ Lunacy!”

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Horror as Top Gear’s ‘Stig’ revealed to be “murderous arsonist”

After a period of intense speculation, Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson has revealed that the driver known as the Stig, is in fact a serial arsonist responsible for the deaths of up to forty-six people. The announcement came on Sunday’s edition of the program where the Stig was confronted with photographs showing him throwing a crudely made Molotov cocktail through the window of a home for the elderly. He was then pictured running away from the scene and ultimately giggling in a shed. Asked to explain his actions, the Stig replied simply, “I am who I am.”

The revelation prompted several complaints from irate viewers demanding that the Stig be sacked. Though these were subsequently withdrawn after Clarkson had assured fans that a lot of the people burnt to death had French-sounding names and that others had definitely been vegetarians. Though no stranger to controversy in the past, the BBC’s flagship motoring show has continued to entertain the nation with its characteristic combination of amusing stunts and good natured high jinks.

This year these have included an amusing review of the latest Range Rover, which revealed how eagerly the French had collaborated with the Nazis during the Second World War, entitled “An examination of why all French cars and people are rubbish.” The whimsical new title sequence showing a pair of actors dressed up like President Sarkozy and his wife being repeatedly mown down by a four-door Morris Marina has also proven very popular.

However, such japery has not been welcomed by all, and the most recent programme which featured Richard Hammond racing the latest Volkswagen beetle from Berlin to Paris against James May in a 1942 model Henschel & Sohn Waffen-SS Tiger MkII tank came under fire from a Maurice Gourdault-Montagne who phoned into Points of View calling himself the French Ambassador. “It was in very bad taste and should never have been given the go ahead,” said His Excellency, “though it was good that the Hamster won, ses cheveux sont très beaux et longs...”

Monday, 22 June 2009

Breaking playground news: boys refuse to play nice, or together

In a move that has shocked playgrounds around the country, the prefects of the F1 School have refused to play with the boys in the lower years, because the latter’s toys weren't good enough. The renegade boys have turned their noses up at the offer of playing racing cars, sword fights and marbles, as the younger boys had refused to either spend over forty million pounds on a jungle gym, or relinquish their right to one hand one bounce.

The group of rich toffs including Sebastian Ferrari, Oscar McLaren and Quentin Toyota, decided last week that they were fed up with the spotty Herberts getting in the way of their fun: and broke away to form their own playground. It is rumoured that their new rules will allow them to go first on the swings and ensure that no oiks are on the seesaw by the time they come out from double Maths.

Though the spokesperson for the group was unavailable given the need for his daily money-bath in preparation for a chukka of unicorn polo, the F1 bursar was willing to make a statement. He summarised the disagreement between the boys as coming down to one point of principle, “basically most teams want to flaunt their wealth like Lady Gaga flaunts her genitals. However, the breakaway teams also want the right to whip out their massive wads of cash and stuff it into people’s face going ‘Yeah, you’d like some of that, wouldn’t you, you smelly peasant?’ Y'see?"

Speaking from a golden throne carried on the shoulders of twelve lingerie-clad ‘close personal friends’ the F1 headmaster, Max Moseley, declared that he didn’t really give six shits about who did what as long as he “still got invited to all the after race parties.” He later returned to the press conference to add “...wink wink.”

Saturday, 20 June 2009

EXCLUSIVE: “Training and Tactics Crucial” if Lions to pull off test series win

After today’s nail-biter of a match and ahead of the second British and Irish Lions Test, The Chum Bucket asked former Durham Daredevils fly-half and established Sky Sports News commentator, Reg Granite, to assess the Lions’ chances.

The Chum Bucket: The Lions came so close to winning in the first test, but were beaten nonetheless. What can they do to lift their spirits?

Reg Granite: I wouldn’t worry about being beaten. The best lesson I ever learned came from being smashed in the face with a pool cue and then held down whilst a man took a power sander to my face.

TCB: What lesson was that?

GRANITE: Never give away possession in your own half.

TCB: Class makes all the difference when results are so tight. What could Phil O’Donnell say to his teammates to make them raise their game?

GRANITE: If I were him, I’d be telling Phil Vickery to find a dog and then headbutt it until it fell into a coma. The ref might give him ten minutes in the bin, but he’d send a powerful message. The mental toughness that international-level play requires just demands this kind of commitment. Though if you are going to assault a dog, you do need to be careful. I’ve had some fights with some pretty persistent canines in my time, I can tell you. Once there were these two Dachshunds waiting for me outside a bookies with a brick: I never stood a chance.

TCB: Which Springbok players should the Lions be most worried about?

GRANITE: I would say the good ones. In my experience, good players tend to be the ones that hurt you. Bad players often mess up and on occasion play like truckers after a three-day meths binge. My approach has always been to wait, see which players have scored more than three tries and then concentrate on them. If they’d only scored one or two, I didn’t see them as much of a threat. After I’d identified who the good player was, I’d tell all fifteen of us to run towards that player to try and stop him.

TCB: And does the tactic work?

GRANITE: Absolutely. The good player’s efforts end up completely nullified. Although it is noticeable that the bad players do tend to suddenly step up a gear.

TCB: Tom Croft is a surprise inclusion in the pack. Has he come too far, too fast do you think?

GRANITE: No no, he’ll be an unknown quantity which is often an advantage. I don’t believe any of his teammates have even met him yet, and I think he’s been kept in a sack so that no-one knows what he looks like.

TCB: So finally Reg, would you care to hazard a prediction for the second Test?

GRANITE: Well the great beauty of the game is juts how unpredictable it can be! Though I will say that to guarantee victory the Lions have got to put themselves in a position where they are at least twenty points ahead by the 79th minute. But as I said there’s no such thing as a “sure thing” in rugby, I’ve been subbed on to teams 38 points clear two minutes from time that still ended up losing.

Friday, 19 June 2009

Confirmed: Transformers 3 to make no sense whatsoever

Michael Bay has reassured fans of the Transformers franchise that the final part of his trilogy will contain absolutely no story or indeed any kind of plot. The auteur’s directorial decision was made in order to avoid the pitfalls which have beset other celebrated sequels to sequels, such as, The Matrix Revolutions, Back to the Future III and Are You Being Served 3: Bender in Benidorm. “We’re certainly not going to make the same mistakes those guys did, with their stories, their characterisations and all that trying to tie everything together nonsense. This one is for the fans, you know, guys who get headaches if they don’t see something blown up within the first minute.”

The action is due to be set in a dystopian near-future in which the U.S. is taking part in an intergalactic missile-firing contest. It will see the hero firing as many missiles as he can whilst running in slow motion to dodge the missiles fired at him by gigantic killer robots, that like to fire missiles. “The climax is a beautifully poignant scene,” said Bay, “just at the point where it looks like the hero might have given up all hope and lost the battle, he picks himself up and launches twenty thousand missiles whilst singing the Star Spangled Banner and wrapping himself in an American flag.”

Bay was also asked how he had managed to top the original Transformers movie with his forthcoming sequel Transformers 2: Bang Bang Whoosh Whoosh. “It definitely wasn’t easy,” said Bay, “what you’ve got here is a franchise that a lot of people have a great personal attachment to, and making the second movie even better is a tough job. We looked at everything, character development, narrative evolution, even making the whole thing more believable, but in the end we settled on seeing a bit more of Megan Fox’s breasts.”

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Brown defends controversial choice of chair for Iraq Inquiry

Gordon Brown has unleashed an almighty shit-storm given his appointment of the chairman of the independent inquiry into the Iraq War: one hit wonder Chesney Hawkes. Introducing the has-been singer in front of the Rat and Gruyère pub in Bromley-by-Bow, where the inquiry is due to take place, Brown assured his detractors that “They’ve got a great conference room, you get two Thai food suppers for eight bob and they’ve one of the best fruit machines I’ve ever seen.” Hawkes was elated at the chance to take a role befitting his national prestige, “It’s not my usual thing. You know, I’m still pumping out hits, alongside running the petting zoo of course. I can claim the feed bill on expenses, right?”

The enquiry’s purpose is establishing what, if anything, went right during the build up and occupation of Iraq. And the mole-faced songster has been instructed to leave no major stone unturned in his search for the truth. “They’re going to be looking at ties, cufflinks,” explained Brown, “were they matching? Did they at least go well with the suit jacket? But they certainly won’t be stopping at clothes, oh no. Another point worth investigating is: did people have a tasty lunch whilst completely bungling intelligence and lying to the public? People want answers to these questions. I know I do!”

For reasons of national security the enquiry is to be conducted behind closed doors, “It is paramount that potential enemies of this country are kept in the dark over our ignorance.” said Brown, “Just think, if people found out that the same jizbot who f**ked up so royally in the build-up to the invasion was still at his post, terrorists would ...ooh." Even the results of the inquiry are expected to be kept absolutely top secret, Hawkes confirmed, “unless of course they prove embarrassing to Tony Blair, in which case they’ll be left on a train.”

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Death “on the brink” of Thatcher

Concerns have been growing over the health of the Grim Reaper as he edges closer and closer to Thatcher. Death is currently recovering in a London hospital after suffering a broken arm sustained after an attempt to try and grab hold of Michael Owen’s career. The doctor treating Death, Dr. Melissa Andrews was not optimistic when questioned on her patient’s chances of survival. “When you’re coming off second best in a challenge with Owen’s career, it really doesn’t look good for the long term.” Asked on the likelihood of Death avoiding Thatcher, Roberts was pessimistic, “In medical jargon, we’d assess his chances at: piss all.”

Death has had several visitors to his hospital bed, all of whom have been distressed at the sight of their long-time companion visibly weakening, as Thatcher takes hold. Anne Robinson, Hazel Blears and Vernon Kay have all been in attendance. Kay in particular has been very subdued. Asked for his reaction to Death’s condition, Kay barely found the energy to bellow “WAHEHEHEHEHAY!”

Des Felch, the BBC3 Commissioning Editor for Comedy was particularly distraught, “I’ve done some of my best work with Death. To see him so close to Thatcher... it’s all too much.” Mr. Felch then left to find his next big comedy hit on YouTube. Should Death succumb to Thatcher, he will be survived by a wife, two children and Fearne Cotton’s continued presence on television.

Friday, 12 June 2009

Iranian Voters Torn Between Nutjobs

Voting has begun all over Iran with mounting speculation over which fundamentalist will win the right to deny the existence of Israel. Present incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the strong favourite but faces a testing challenge from Mir-Hossein Mousavi over who gets to waffle on about Western imperialism and the Great Satan.

Ahmadinejad is a figure of some controversy given his energy policy, which aims to move from nuclear power stations to those powered by burning infidels and enemies of Allah. In contrast, former Prime Minister Mousavi is seen as a more moderate figure which has been made use of by Ahmadinejad who has played on voters’ fears over the consequences of a liberal agenda. The election slogan of “To keep your neighbours Israeli, vote Mousavi” has drawn the ire of many. Some quarters believe his views are too lenient towards non-gentiles while others have criticised them for not being sufficiently anti-Semitic.

Mousavi has hit back with a campaign of his own, based around the threat of foreign invasion. “To get bombed like Baghdad, vote Ahmadinejad” has proved popular with some and has been repeatedly stoned by others. Other policies put forward by Mousavi are indicative of his progressive agenda. “We have to move forward and look at ways of using 21st century technology to keep women at home and away from centres of learning.”

However, the weighty significance of the poll has been brightened up by the presence of several eccentrics standing for office. Among them is Zadir Deghgan a candidate for the George W Bush Appreciation Party. “It’s all a bit of a laugh really,” said Deghgan, speaking from a heavily fortified bunker. “We’ve got policies like National Custard Day, the mandatory wearing of a banana in both ears and an end to the stoning of gays. It’s just a bit of a giggle.” Other parties taking a less than serious approach include the Silly Secularists and the Popular Zionist Front.

Real Madrid Take The Lead In Pissing Away Money Contest

Real Madrid have surprised the rest of European soccer by pissing away nearly £140 million on two people who play football. The surprise move has helped Madrid establish a considerable lead in the annual pissing away money contest held amongst Europe’s football club elite.

However, rumours abound that Chelsea will also be pissing away an obscene amount on some blokes who can kick a ball about. As for other challengers, Manchester United cannot be ruled out of taking the kidney crown given the amount they now have to piss away themselves. Elsewhere, Liverpool will be struggling to match Madrid’s extraordinary gush whilst Arsenal will only be able to put together a modest piddle in this summer’s transfer season. Though a consistent pisser away of money, Real Madrid has found itself out-spritzed in recent times, but this year saw a positively incontinent return to form.

President Florentino Perez’ pissing away of £59 million on Brazilian Kaka and £80 million on Cristiano ‘Human Jenga’ Ronaldo was described as an almighty pissing away of money; twice shattering the amount that someone has slashed away on one single player. “It was a crazy amount,” said one onlooker, “Florentino was there for about twenty-two minutes. It was one of those where you have to prop yourself up against the wall, just to keep yourself from falling over.”

However, the sound now reverberating around Europe is that of Chelsea chairman Roman Abramovich unzipping his flies and getting set for potentially one of the biggest pissings away of money the world has ever seen.

Monday, 8 June 2009

BNP success due to ‘dickhead vote’ claim

In picking up two seats in the European elections, the British National Party have been the fortunate recipients of what experts have termed the ‘dickhead vote’. This is a phenomenon where an economic downturn combines with disillusionment with mainstream politics to turn people into right twerps. Professor Alan McGregor of the University of Ersatz Academia explains why so many people came to vote BNP. “What happens in these situations is that people’s anger and bitterness become so great as to turn off the part of the brain that stops you being a dickhead. You know, the part of the brain that stops you from getting tattoos and talking about ringtones. What a bunch of pricks.”

One such prat was Thomas Johnson. His decision was based on the fact that he thought he was making a protest vote. “I was really sticking it to the political process, you know what I mean? I went in there and do you know what I did? I completely participated in the political process. Yeah! Stick that up your arse politics. Oh wait. You know what I’ve gone and done? I’ve only gone and been a complete dickhead. What was I thinking? A protest? Standing in front of tanks in Tiananmen Square, that’s a protest. Voting for a barely coherent bunch of thugs? That’s being a complete and utter div!”

Part of the BNP’s appeal is said to be that they claim they are protecting the rights of Britain’s indigenous people, a move welcomed by druids, sprites and those that make merry in glades and copses. One of the BNP’s supporters, a pig rustler named Ug Crint explained his reasons. “It’s about time someone spoke up for us. I mean, those dragons, they come over here and take our princesses. But it not be politically correct to make conversation pertaining to these deeds. I don’t know, it’s the feudal system gone mad.”

Friday, 5 June 2009

Brown’s Reshuffled Cabinet To Consist Solely Of Naïve Optimists

With election results predicted to push Labour behind the Let’s Wear Spaghetti On Our Heads party, Gordon Brown has sought to secure his own political future by appointing a cabal of deluded bumpkins to the Cabinet. Insiders have revealed that Brown had become fed up with being referred to as the “ex-Prime Minister” in meetings; and how the Cabinet would always be one chair short, meaning that he had to sit on the floor. Details from a leaked document have shown the barely concealed animosity that Brown has had to deal with. The document is a card signed by all the members of the Cabinet that reads “Well done on completely destroying all that we hoped to achieve.”

James Hoyte, a former aide, recounts one particular incident. “Jacqui Smith stood up and said she wanted to read a poem. It went, ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, faeces are brown, so Brown smells like poo.’ The rest of the meeting was a little tense.”

In response, Brown has promoted several new members to his team, hoping that their happy-go-lucky dispositions would make them immune to the wreck that the country has become. That their buoyancy might mean that they are less keen to stab the PM in the back at the first opportunity: is considered an added bonus. The new Home Secretary will be Polly Sunshine, a former primary school teacher and florist. “I’m super keen to take on this jolly job,” she said. Asked about the problems of knife crime, she replied, “Why carry a knife when you can just carry a smile? Let’s all have a singsong.”

The new Transport Secretary will be Mike Dazzle, whose background is in children’s television and the new Defence Secretary, Zoë Honeydrizzle, when quizzed on her policy about dealing with Afghan insurgents replied, “Cuddles and sponge cake.”