Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Bandwagon jumper jumps on the bandwagon of bandwagon jumper

The Sun newspaper has come out in favour of Conservative leader David Cameron as well as Manchester United, cute puppies and Keeley Hazell. The editor of the paper, Dominic Monahan, explained the decision to back the Tories was based on the fact taht their leader was as shallow and superficial as The Sun. "He'll do anything for a vote like we'll do anything for a sale. Buy tomorrow's paper for a free DVD about how to get a cheap holiday with guaranteed Premiership footballers' tits."

The Sun has a history of backing winners in general elections although it is notoriously cautious when giving its endorsement. It only came out for Tony Blair just six weeks before the 1997 election and was cagey on Robert Mugabe's chances of getting re-elected last year. The previous editor of the paper, Rebekah Wade, famously ummed and ahed before coming out with the headline 'Mugabe: he's not torturing that many!"

However, the Sun has got it wrong on one occasion. Its endorsement of F.W. de Klerk over Nelson Mandela in the 1994 South African general election was one of the biggest editorial gaffes of all time. Mike Hack, political editor of the paper at the time, gave his reasons for his support of the leader of the racist National Party. "I just thought he had the mood of the people."

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Brown to give the most mental speech ever

Ahead of what will be the most speech of his political career, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed to his aides that his speech at the Labour Conference will be one of the most ludicrous pieces of rhetoric ever heard. One aide revealed that Brown has asked for five hundred chickens to be released as he takes to the stage. The collected poultry will then join Brown in a hearty rendition of showtunes whilst a troupe of schoolchildren arm wrestle. After the chickens have been cleared, Brown will construct a harp out of fudge before kicking a lion's head off.

Brown's plans have left many observers keen to see what happens. Alex Cho, a delegate at the conference said, "It's one thing fixing the economy but it's another thing entirely to remember all the lyrics from Cats."

The content of Brown's speech is intended to focus on crime, public spending cuts and his imaginary adventures as one of the Three Musketeers. One of Brown's aides said, "Throughout his tenure as Prime Minister, Gordon has had a real affinity with Porthos, the cool one, and he wants to tell people about it."

For the second half of his speech, Brown will acknowledge the continued for investment in education. He will follow this by stripping off and taking to a jacuzzi filled up with yoghurt. Pundits predict he will use this opportunity to splash around and shout, "It's like liquid clouds! Clouds! Clouds! So pretty!" Brown will then dry himself off and return to the podium to talk about corporate responsibility.

The dramatic switch by Brown from his normal saturnine disposition is a desperate attempt to try and convince people that he is not a corpse roaming the Earth and turning up in children's nightmares. He will acknowledge the numerous failures of his premiership and attempt to position himself as the underdog for the upcoming election, stating, "I'm a bit sh*t, aren't I?" Pundits predict that this will strike a chord with the voting public when they vote for David Cameron next spring.

Monday, 28 September 2009

Policewomen asked to arrest themselves

One of the country's biggest crackdowns on potential child cruelty has resulted in an entire police squadron arresting themselves. Eight constables and six detectives stormed their own houses and wrestled themselves to the ground before leading themselves away to their own car. "The whole operation has been a massive success," said Constable Ruth Williams, "but I haven't got one single piece of evidence against me. I'm innocent and until I make myself confess to myself, I ain't got nothing. So suck it pig."

There have been accusations that the police were heavy-handed in their approach to themselves but the Thames Valley Police force have been quick to deny any wrongdoing to themselves. "We were very thorough and very fair in the treatment that we took to ourselves," said Detective Anne Barnett, sporting two black eyes, a broken ankle and a distinct lack of arms.

The operation was put together after it emerged that several policewomen were looking after each other's children for more than two hours, resulting in immediate suspicion of rampant child molestation. Those wishing to look after children for more than two hours must register as childminders and complete an extensive course in how not to be a paedophile.

The course covers all aspects of how not to have sex with children. Course attendee Mike Wallace spoke about his progress. "I've been through not having sex with children in a car. I did really well on the not having sex with children whilst on a day out at the zoo and I'm pretty hopeful about getting through the next part which is about not having sex with children in the Greater Manchester area." Asked to give his opinion on the general helpfulness of the course, Wallace replied, "It really is f**king retarded."

Friday, 25 September 2009

We meant barbecue autumn say weathermen

Meteorologists across the country have applied for retrospective permission to forecast a barbecue autumn. The recent good weather has brought out a number of prediction-makers who are keen to revisit their forecasts. They now insist that when they said the summer would be one fit for barbecues rather than home made water parks, they actually meant autumn.

"We got it wrong by one season," said one weatherman who asked not to be named just in case the weather turned, "it probably wasn't our fault. The summer weather must have got held up some way, possibly in the Bahamas."

Weathermen across the country were accused of getting the country's hopes up by predicting a summer filled with sunshine and non-stop bliss. Instead, all that passed between June to August were continuous looks out of the window to a grey sky and continuous shouts "But they fricking promised!"

This has led to accusations that the weatherman association is in cahoots with the sunglasses and crappy dance compilations. However, the weathermen of the country have hit back. "That is totally tropical," said Michael Fish, "I mean wrong and if one more person asks me about the boxes of Oakleys in my garage, I'm going shake, shake, shake the room, I mean, start legal proceedings."

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Scientists claim breakthrough against the need for Bono

Researchers have announced a startling discovery that could possibly rid the world of do-gooders forever. The scientists behind the study are pressing the need for caution but have suggested that their results could reduce the need for a celebrity to visit Africa by up to a third. Professor Henry Finkel of the Institute of Ersatz Academia said, "It is truly astonishing. In our control group, which had people given a placebo, we had Chris Martin, Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon with their faces pressed up against the glass, looking at the subjects and shouting that 'Something must be done!'

In the group that received the new treatment, we found that only Peaches Geldof stopped by before she got bored and went to buy a dog."

The team behind the research hope that their work will lead to the erradication of U2 singer Bono or at least contain him to a music studio where his cloying, emotionally hollow dirges about the importance of tax avoidance can be kept to a minimum.

The frontman has been a scourge of African countries since the Eighties, frequently unleashing economic and political advice despite having no grounding in the complexities of governance. Examples of his unwanted intervention include the massive famine he brought about in the Congo in 1989 as a result of his insistence that the country's agricultural policy should be based around a four-bar blues riff.

Congan agricultural minister Claude Mandanda said, "Sure it was catchy but it caused the death of millions. For the love of god, just stick to tax havens and trying to get Obama on speed dial."

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Alesha Dixon to qualify for assisted suicide? - You Choose!

As part of its remit to look at the burning issues of the day and insert knob gags wherever appropriate, the Chum Bucket is looking at whether it would be better to put Alesha Dixon, the embattled judge on Strictly Come Dancing, out of her misery. Both two sides of the debate will be represented but the final decision will rest with you, the public. Simply text YES or NO to 4. The results of the poll will then be passed onto the BBC. It is your licence fee, you should have your say. Pleading for her life will be a faceless drone from the BBC whilst resident columnist Carole Bismuth will argue that for her own sake, she should kicked down a flight of stairs.

Keep Alesha alive! says Roland Lackey, runner on the Antiques Roadshow

All the criticism of Alesha so far is unfair. She is a great dancer and has a great personality, which automatically makes her a great judge. Like if a dog is a great catcher of a ball, it'll probably be a good minister of defence. Of course Arlene Phillips will be missed but we still consider her to be a member of the Strictly family, albeit a family member that we've shut away in a cupboard and never talk of again. There has been talk of an "ageist" agenda at the BBC but we have many different ages at the BBC. There are plenty of mature workers here and without their cleaning, we'd be very stuck. We also employ the very young too. Children as young as five who write most of the jokes on the Chris Moyles show.

Smother her with a pillow says Carole Bismuth

There are some things in this life that I simply cannot abide: bruised fruit and pitying the weak. I watched Ms. Dixon, who I understand has a failed marriage to her name, last Saturday night. I honestly felt rotten to the core. Simply watching her wallowing in pungent mediocrity whilst my good friend Arlene Phillips, whom I've known ever since she asked me to leave a party, has to stand by is shameful. The sooner we can get her off the panel and into a lake with stones tied round her ankles, the better.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Is Susan Boyle joining the Sugababes?

No, that would be stupid. But the ever changing line-up of one of the most successful British girl groups means a space will shortly be opening up. The only remaining founding member of the group, Keisha Buchanan was kicked out of the band following a row with the record company, which is rumoured to be over the look for their next video. Buchanan was said to be favouring a hommage to 1930s Hollywood glamour with flowing dresses and floral prints. The record company thought it would be better if they danced around in their pants. The Chum Bucket looks at the runners and riders for the coveted chance to get in front of a camera and point at their bum.

Kerry Katona - odds 6/4

Pros: Has experience of being in a girl band. Has plenty of time on her hands. Would not be fazed by the excesses of showbusiness. Has shown that she is able to slim down time after time after time

Cons: Is a bit mental.

Carol Thatcher - odds 7/2

Pros: Knows what it takes to be part of a long-standing dynasty with a history of success and crushing any opposition. Has plenty of time on her hands. After having Margaret Thatcher for her mother, the pressures of singing in front of a live audience would be no problem.

Cons: Is a bit racist

Dustin Hoffman - odds 18/1

Pros: Is a showbusiness guy. Has experience of working with powerful and assertive women. Can pull off wearing a dress.

Cons: Is busy working his own album, a folk funk freakout collaboration with the Insane Clown Posse

Catherine the Great - odds 14/5

Pros: Feisty. Secured Russia as a major European force in the 18th century. Proved adept at managing competing interests within her court. A freethinker who associated with some of the finest minds of her time.

Cons: Dead. Banged horses.

Monday, 21 September 2009

Church of England: We must attract more plebs

A leading member of the Church of England has called on the institution to shake off its Marks and Spencers image and to round up punters from the nearest Lidl. Bishop Adam Dimble said, "We've got to get away from this M&S image. For one thing it's confusing people. I get members of the congregation coming up to me and asking when they get to have the snowball fights with Take That and Myleene Klass. I explain to them that they're here to worship God in all its glory and to celebrate the sacrifice that his son Jesus Christ made for us all. They then ask me again about the snowball fights and if they can see Lily Cole in her knickers."

With church attendances steadily declining, major figures within the Church of England have been keen to stress that services are not restricted to the elderly and passing tramps. Archbishop Rowan Williams said, "We've got to get back to basics. If Jesus was around today, he would want us to remember his teachings like universal love, devotion to others and selflessness." Asked if Jesus would remind the Church of England, one of the country's biggest landowners, about the futility of material possessions, Williams replied, "We would probably ask him to keep that one quiet."

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Grand National winner revealed to be two men in a horse suit

It's the latest in a long line of sporting cheats to rock the world and to support the growing feeling amongst sporting professionals that "it's not the winning that counts, it's the money you get from having won and if you cheated, you've still got money." Horse racing is the latest sport to be tarnished with allegations of cheating after it was found that the winner of the 2009 Grand National, Mon Mome, was no horse but two jobbing actors inside a horse suit. The fix was revealed when the horse was heard calling Sir Peter Hall, founder of the Royal Shakespeare Company, "a complete shit."

The perpetrators of the scam, Lionel Duckie and Quentin Falstaff were unrepentant over their actions. "Listen luvvie," said Duckie, "I've been in this business for over thirty years and I've paid my dues. I've done some awful gigs: pantomime, children's television and the later plays of David Hare. It's about time I was given a shot at glory. I was a star out there on the turf and no-one can take that away from me. Not even Sam Mendes who is a complete shit." Mr. Falstaff did not reply as he had been unable to get into character.

The men in a suit scandal follows one from the Formula One furore where Nelson Piquet was instructed to crash in order to gain an advantage for his teammate. Piquet has been reported to have taken the orders to slam into a wall with some resignation.

Rugby union is another sport currently being dragged through the mire over the Bloodgate scandal in which a player faked a blood injury to secure an advantage for his team. Reg Granite, the rugby "expert" for the Chum Bucket gave his views on the scandal. "It's a disgrace. If you can't bring about your own vomiting of blood through repeatedly punching yourself in the stomach, there's no place for you in rugby."

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Tragedy strikes as those reading Dan Brown forget to breathe

Readers of Dan Brown's latest novel way of conning people out of money have been warned that they face possible death through reading the book. Research has found that the average Dan Brown reader making their way through the contrived hokum will probably forget to keep breathing as their utter lack of mental faculties mean that they can only concentrate on one or the other. One such person was Elliott Lockhead who fell into a coma after getting through just 17 chapters or six minutes reading.

"I really enjoyed the last book and I thought I'd give this one a bash. I like the way you can just turn your brain off when reading it. Unfortunately, this then rendered me braindead for six days. It was only when someone waved a copy of Dante's Inferno under my nose that I regained consciousness."

Doctors are keen to stress the underlying dangers of reading the author. Dr Gumbo of the Institute of Ersatz Academia advised readers to only read the book in small doses. "The problem is that if you read it for any longer than six pages, you have to dampen down any mental processes to enable you not to take it seriously. Anyone actually paying any attention to what is going on will immediately come to the conclusion that it is utter bunkum read by simple-minded goons. So they've got to shut everything down including the power to operate basic bodily functions. I've lost count of the number of people coming in here after reading Dan Brown, having soiled themselves silly."

A spokesperson for Brown's publishers advised any readers to make sure they have a loved one nearby just in case they lapse into a vegetative state by the time they get to page 19. Tell-tale signs of this including dribbling, an inability to move and a propensity to say things like 'You know, it's actually not that bad."

Monday, 14 September 2009

TV to be turned into one long advert

Product placement will be allowed on British programmes under new regulations that ensure that viewers won't go two seconds without missing a plug for hoovers. The new move will calm audiences that are confused by nature documentaries that feature frogs, rabbits and bears who are refuse to sing about chocolate, beer and pensions. Concerned parent Dominic Briers said, "I mean those things are just sitting there, eating, burping and licking themselves. My children come up and ask me why the monkeys aren't dancing in a synchronised formation to a catchy tune. Like they do in real life. I feel like going ahead and cancelling my order for a zebra right now."

Television chiefs have been quick to point out that any product placement that goes on will sensitively handled and in keeping with the content of the programme. The first product that will be showcased is Rustles Horse Manure which will feature in Katie Price's What Katie Did Next. A spokesperson for the dung said "It's a win-win situation for both of us. You've got a barrel load of the most pungent, foul-smelling, fetid crap you could ever imagine and Rustles Horse Manure. You couldn't think of a better combination. Well, other than Hollyoaks and Kleenex have already nabbed that one."

Friday, 11 September 2009

Derren Brown to reveal why he hasn't got a real job

He has tantalised, amazed and wowed an entire nation. Now for the first time, magician Derren Brown will reveal why he is poncing around with all this mumbo-jumbo claptrap and hasn't got himself real work like being a woodcutter. The fervour is already building ahead of his announcement with many guessing why he prats around on the street when there's a shortage of decent electricians. Especially in the Nottingham area.

Social worker Lindsay Cohen said, "It's all right being able to predict the lottery numbers. Why couldn't he predict that the summer would be a total washout? I've had barbecue after barbecue looking like the Great Flood. Why couldn't he use his Neuro-Linguistic Programming to fix that?"

Brown is one of Britain's biggest time wasters who has made whole afternoons disappear with mammoth sessions of Solitaire. Several people have put forward theories as to how he has managed to get away with doing so little work for so long. Edward Nettle, a milkman, thought that Brown lacked the motivation to find proper work. "Maybe he's just lonely or maybe he just don't give a f**k." It is rumoured that Brown will present his reasons for sloth before a captive audience on a Channel 4 special before taking an apprenticeship at a pipe fitters in Eccles.

Thursday, 10 September 2009

England ecstatic about being the next British team to lose in South Africa

On a warm September night, the English football team put their Euro 2008 heartache behind them to ensure they would be next in a long line of British sporting teams to be beaten by a overwhelming superior side in South Africa. Captain John Terry could not contain his delight at the prospect of joining the rugby and cricket teams that have had fallen before. "The Lions pioneered the tradition of glorious failure and the cricket team are about to run into the best team in the world right now. So it's spankings a go-go for them. We just hope we can emulate their complete lack of any kind of success." Double goal scorer Steven Gerrard also invited the nation to dream, saying, "This will basically be a cheap holiday for me and the wife."

Tabloid expectation is also simmering nicely, hopefully coming to the boil some time in June. Darren Sozzled, the chief football writer for The Daily You Ain't From Around Here, Are You? previews England's chances. "Basically, they're the perfect team. They've got everything covered in all areas. Well, apart from goalkeeper. And right back's a bit of an issue. Plus the two central defenders aren't what you'd call world class and are a bit of a liability against top teams. Plus we're reliant on one or two players and we've got a centre forward who is less reliable than a personal loan company fronted by Carol Vorderman. But other than that, we're pretty much there."

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Hell reports slight drop in temperature

Chancellor of the Exchequer and Office Support Manager to the Underworld, Alistair Darling, has announced that sulphurous chambers of hell are slightly cooler than usual. The last year has seen the fiery pits of eternal damnation maintain a consistent temperature of insufferable ranging to face-meltingly hot. Yet Darling is confident that measures put in by the government will see the temperature continue to fall from a blistering one million degrees to a balmy nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety eight. "And that's Fahrenheit!" exclaimed Darling, applying some salve to a particularly charred hand.

The news will come as some relief to those who have seen their homes and businesses swallowed up by the raging inferno. Bob Tickoff, whose central heating supply went under last year, is confident of a pick-up in business in the new year. "There's always money in central heating," said Tickoff, "even if you are surrounded by insufferable heat for the rest of eternity. I know things are looking bad at the moment but once the temperature of hell reaches a frosty nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and seventy degrees, I'll be laughing."

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Is Hitler as bad as AIDS?

Given the controversy surrounding the latest AIDS prevention adverts featuring a woman having sex with a man who turns out to be Adolf Hitler, we ask our hard hitting columnist Rod Littlejohn to give his views on whether it is right to equate one of the biggest killers of yesteryear to one of the biggest killers of today. Note to readers - the offensive and gratuitously stupid views expressed by Mr. Littlejohn do not reflect the views of the Chum Bucket. Even though we thought he would be a good person to write an op-ed piece on this very subject.

RL: The first thing to say about to say about this advert is that it is outrageous. To have fifty seconds of Adolf Hitler having sex with a pretty young filly offends me. It's not enough. It's a deliberate ploy by the people behind the ad to get its viewers to watch it over and over and over again. Fine - you won.

It also does a disservice to the great man's legacy (watch it - Ed). The advert features the great Fuhrer being really quite agressive in the act of copulation. But by all accounts, Adolf was a sensitive lover, happy to burn scented candles and spend endless hours just stroking thighs and giving back rubs. At least, that's what I do when I dress up as Hitler and - (please just stick to the topic - Ed).

But to say that Hitler is the same as AIDS is repellant in the extreme. Some say that he was a bad man. And I would say, 'Sure, he killed six million people but at the end of the day, there was a guiding principle behind it'. AIDS kills for no reason. Adolf Hitler killed for a greater Germany and the known superiority of the Aryan people (this is your last warning - Ed). Also, another mistake is that death by AIDS is a long, agonising process. Death by being rigorously shagged by Adolf Hitler would surely be one of the purest, sweetest and most ecstacy-inducing experiences - (right, that's it, you're fired - Ed).

Monday, 7 September 2009

BNP win right to appear stupid on Question Time

There will be a new face on Question Time making emphatic hand gestures and spouting sentences devoid of anything resembling content: that of the British National Party. They join the more mainstream parties in giving bland answers to the public's questions and refusing to engage with anything that might interfere with predetermined policy. "Coming on Question Time is an important part of an MP's duty," said Alan Duncan, "plus if you're lucky, you might get to sit next to Will Young. Last time, it was only Trevor McDonald. Boring."

The head of the British National Party, Nick Griffin, is delighted at the news. "Finally, this will give us the chance to showcase our views. Up until now, we've been ignored just because we still think that we're in the 1930s. We want to show that we are just as out of touch with reality as other political parties. Perhaps even more so." By way of proving this, Griffin set out one of his party's main aims. "We want to keep this country for the indigenous people of this country, the people who first settled here. Like druids. As well as banshees, warlocks, pixies, sprites and orgres."

One such druid Andromedus Bull gave his support to the far right's plans. "It's about time someone stood up for us. Those sorcerers, they come over here, they take our jobs. And our runes. Are they paying tithes? Are they paying tithes? No, it's up to us, the honest, decent, hard-working tithe payer. This kingdom. I remember a time in this kingdom when you could frollick in a glade, perhaps with a flagon of mead. Can you do that now? No. Be it not PC, hay nonny nonny. I tell you what, it's the feudal system gone mad."

Friday, 4 September 2009

Chelsea left reliant on something called 'tactics'

The world of Chelsea Football Club has been turned upside down with the news that they are to be banned from splurging out monstrous sums equivalent to a Third World nation's debt. The ban is a result of encouraging a 17-year old youngster to break his contract on the promise of cheap cider and a go at steering Chairman Roman Abramovich's yacht. Head of recruitment Frank Arnesen was astounded by the news. "I honestly didn't think it was a bad thing to break a contract," said Arnesen, looking around nervously for any sign of Russian henchmen in the vicinity, "I've done it loads of times. Contracts are like houses. If you don't like them, set fire to them and walk away to a better one."

The ruling means that Chelsea are unable to buy any new players until 2011 leading to a massive drop in confidence within the squad. Training has been a nightmare with players confused as to how to win matches without spending £80,000 each time someone takes a corner. Head coach Carlo Ancelotti tells of his frustration at trying to get his instructions across. "I say to Frank Lampard 'Cross the ball into the box' and he says 'All right then. Fifty quid.' I try to explain to him that crossing is his job and he moans 'Can't we just buy someone to do instead? I'm tired.' Then there's Didier Drogba who keeps on missing the ball. I asked him why he was doing it and he just says 'I thought Cristiano Ronaldo was going to hit it.' I try to explain that Ronaldo doesn't play for us. He sighs and says 'Well then just buy him then.'"

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Megrahi removed to ensure Gordon Brown is Scotland's most hated man

Sources released by the Scottish parliament show that the Lockerbie bomber, Ali al-Megrahi, was only released to make sure that Prime Minister Gordon Brown remained the man that most Scots would happily kick down the stairs. The move is seen by many as a political move ahead of the forthcoming election to distance the Labour party from a man who is seen as a bigger impediment to winning an election than a British passport in a tennis tournament. First Minister Alec Salmond said, "Even though Megrahi is an old man, he remains the ultimate bogey man and no-one can touch him. That's why we've got to ship him out before people start saying about Brown, 'Well, he's a complete shitebag but he's nae murdering terrorist.' We just couldn't talk that risk."

Brown's standing in his native country has taken a plunge with many Scots going on record that they would happily give up deep-fried shortbread flavoured heroin suppers if it meant the incumbent minister was shunted from office. David McCampbell has gone on a Taggart strike which has seen him miss several episodes of his favourite show. "I'm guessing there's been a muddah but I cannae be sure." However, other Scots are sympathetic to Megrahi's plight. Heather Walter said, "We're always banging on about how people can't take our freedom. Yet the minute we give it to someone, we're frothing at the mouth. Ludicrous!"

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Teachers urged to cater for drunk pupils

Teachers must adapt to the increasing numbers of drunkards in their classes, a new report claims. A new study has found that Britain is the European capital of underage drinking with up to 33% of under-15s describing themselves as "mashed from head to toe." Edward Keesley was one such inebriate. "I'm what you might call a social drinker," said Keesley, "If I'm in double maths and someone offers me a pint, I'll have it. Then if it's break time and there's a bottle of sherry going around the playground, I'll take a swig. And if not much is happening in Latin, I'll happily sink a box of wine, why not?"

However, teachers are up in arms about the new methods they must employ to keep their pupils' attention. Chemistry teacher Ellie Swanson told of her travails. "The only way in which I can keep them focused is by dressing up as a barman and pretending to listen to their problems. They're propped up on the laboratory benches, moaning about how the world's a lousy, stinking messed-up place. I have to then try and impart kinetic theory under the guise of worldly advice. Stuff like 'Sure pal, you've got problems but acid plus carbonate gives salt plus water plus carbon dioxide. That's all I'm saying.' I've got six classes through GCSE Chemistry that way."

The make-up of GCSEs will also be changed in light of the growing trend of drinking more than Russian sailors on leave in Dublin. Examiners are being urged to accept slurred writing and question papers folded up into paper aeroplanes. Chief examiner Reggie Blissett said, "We're not dumbing down our examinations. If you black out during the exam, the highest you can get is a B."