Scientists claim breakthrough against the need for Bono

Researchers have announced a startling discovery that could possibly rid the world of do-gooders forever. The scientists behind the study are pressing the need for caution but have suggested that their results could reduce the need for a celebrity to visit Africa by up to a third. Professor Henry Finkel of the Institute of Ersatz Academia said, "It is truly astonishing. In our control group, which had people given a placebo, we had Chris Martin, Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon with their faces pressed up against the glass, looking at the subjects and shouting that 'Something must be done!'

In the group that received the new treatment, we found that only Peaches Geldof stopped by before she got bored and went to buy a dog."

The team behind the research hope that their work will lead to the erradication of U2 singer Bono or at least contain him to a music studio where his cloying, emotionally hollow dirges about the importance of tax avoidance can be kept to a minimum.

The frontman has been a scourge of African countries since the Eighties, frequently unleashing economic and political advice despite having no grounding in the complexities of governance. Examples of his unwanted intervention include the massive famine he brought about in the Congo in 1989 as a result of his insistence that the country's agricultural policy should be based around a four-bar blues riff.

Congan agricultural minister Claude Mandanda said, "Sure it was catchy but it caused the death of millions. For the love of god, just stick to tax havens and trying to get Obama on speed dial."