Derren Brown to reveal why he hasn't got a real job

He has tantalised, amazed and wowed an entire nation. Now for the first time, magician Derren Brown will reveal why he is poncing around with all this mumbo-jumbo claptrap and hasn't got himself real work like being a woodcutter. The fervour is already building ahead of his announcement with many guessing why he prats around on the street when there's a shortage of decent electricians. Especially in the Nottingham area.

Social worker Lindsay Cohen said, "It's all right being able to predict the lottery numbers. Why couldn't he predict that the summer would be a total washout? I've had barbecue after barbecue looking like the Great Flood. Why couldn't he use his Neuro-Linguistic Programming to fix that?"

Brown is one of Britain's biggest time wasters who has made whole afternoons disappear with mammoth sessions of Solitaire. Several people have put forward theories as to how he has managed to get away with doing so little work for so long. Edward Nettle, a milkman, thought that Brown lacked the motivation to find proper work. "Maybe he's just lonely or maybe he just don't give a f**k." It is rumoured that Brown will present his reasons for sloth before a captive audience on a Channel 4 special before taking an apprenticeship at a pipe fitters in Eccles.