Tragedy strikes as those reading Dan Brown forget to breathe

Readers of Dan Brown's latest novel way of conning people out of money have been warned that they face possible death through reading the book. Research has found that the average Dan Brown reader making their way through the contrived hokum will probably forget to keep breathing as their utter lack of mental faculties mean that they can only concentrate on one or the other. One such person was Elliott Lockhead who fell into a coma after getting through just 17 chapters or six minutes reading.

"I really enjoyed the last book and I thought I'd give this one a bash. I like the way you can just turn your brain off when reading it. Unfortunately, this then rendered me braindead for six days. It was only when someone waved a copy of Dante's Inferno under my nose that I regained consciousness."

Doctors are keen to stress the underlying dangers of reading the author. Dr Gumbo of the Institute of Ersatz Academia advised readers to only read the book in small doses. "The problem is that if you read it for any longer than six pages, you have to dampen down any mental processes to enable you not to take it seriously. Anyone actually paying any attention to what is going on will immediately come to the conclusion that it is utter bunkum read by simple-minded goons. So they've got to shut everything down including the power to operate basic bodily functions. I've lost count of the number of people coming in here after reading Dan Brown, having soiled themselves silly."

A spokesperson for Brown's publishers advised any readers to make sure they have a loved one nearby just in case they lapse into a vegetative state by the time they get to page 19. Tell-tale signs of this including dribbling, an inability to move and a propensity to say things like 'You know, it's actually not that bad."