Teachers urged to cater for drunk pupils

Teachers must adapt to the increasing numbers of drunkards in their classes, a new report claims. A new study has found that Britain is the European capital of underage drinking with up to 33% of under-15s describing themselves as "mashed from head to toe." Edward Keesley was one such inebriate. "I'm what you might call a social drinker," said Keesley, "If I'm in double maths and someone offers me a pint, I'll have it. Then if it's break time and there's a bottle of sherry going around the playground, I'll take a swig. And if not much is happening in Latin, I'll happily sink a box of wine, why not?"

However, teachers are up in arms about the new methods they must employ to keep their pupils' attention. Chemistry teacher Ellie Swanson told of her travails. "The only way in which I can keep them focused is by dressing up as a barman and pretending to listen to their problems. They're propped up on the laboratory benches, moaning about how the world's a lousy, stinking messed-up place. I have to then try and impart kinetic theory under the guise of worldly advice. Stuff like 'Sure pal, you've got problems but acid plus carbonate gives salt plus water plus carbon dioxide. That's all I'm saying.' I've got six classes through GCSE Chemistry that way."

The make-up of GCSEs will also be changed in light of the growing trend of drinking more than Russian sailors on leave in Dublin. Examiners are being urged to accept slurred writing and question papers folded up into paper aeroplanes. Chief examiner Reggie Blissett said, "We're not dumbing down our examinations. If you black out during the exam, the highest you can get is a B."