Swine flu pandemic forces footballers to confront real life

The spread of swine flu amongst the Premier League's top teams is threatening to derail the rest of the football season with many of the league's top stars laid low after having to confront reality. The knock-on effect of catching the virus is that many of the players no longer have any hiding place from things that they thought only affected the poor. Peter Crouch, of Tottenham Hotspur, was in shock over the revelations. "This sort of thing does make you think, which I pay a lot of money to people so that they can do that for me."

Such is the impact that swine flu has made on footballers' consciousnesses that it has led to question every aspect of their existence. James Beattie, of Stoke City, spoke of the epiphany that he had recently undergone. "It was amazing. One morning I woke up and I suddenly realised that I had no idea of how to dress myself. Normally my eagle butler does that for me but ever since Mr. Tuttle has been put in quarantine, it's been a real struggle. If anybody does have any idea about to put clothes on, could you get in touch?"

The Premier League however is confident that footballers will soon be able to return to the bubble in which they live. A spokesman for the organisation said that measures have been taken to stop the spread of reality impacting on its members. From now on all football changing rooms are to sealed off from anyone who has tested positive for earning less than forty grand a week.