Students in last minute scramble to avoid the real world

It’s the time of year when teenagers and people in their mid-thirties trying to find some direction in their life should be celebrating. They’ve got their grades at A level, have secured their place at university and can look forward to three years of glorious isolation from such pressing issues as rent, the 9 to 5 grind and feelings of shame over using the phrase ‘metaphysical heuristic framework’ in any kind of conversation. But given the paucity of university places, potential students are resorting to desperate attempts to secure their place on the good ship HMS Coasting.

Academics across the country have been surprised at the depths at which prospective students will sink in order to get their place. Professor Lincoln of the Institute of Ersatz Academia relates his story of the cravenness on display. “I came out of my study to find a row of eager young folk lining the corridor. They were all showing off their five grade As at A Level, their thirteen gold Duke of Edinburgh awards and whispering in my ear things like ‘Do you like what you see mister? I’ll show a good time and also a structured essay. You know you want to supervise me, don’t you, you naughty man?’ One even said that they would read everything I had ever published. I mean, that’s just sad.”

One of the desperate folk is Anna Kettle who has been hanging around institutes of higher learning on the off chance that someone will take pity on her and provide with a grounding in retail management. “I saw a guy with a sign,” said Kettle, “it said, ‘Will work for enlightened discourse on the merits of Hobbesian theory’. I hope my luck changes and I get in. It’s either that or faking an interest in Third World children.”