Thursday 13 August 2009

France and Germany come out of recession just to piss Britain off

It’s the economic miracle that few expected, a recovery that is faster than Cristiano Ronaldo’s after not getting a free kick. Germany and France have both reported strong economic growth which has been put down to a strong desire by both countries to show up Britain for the sherry-drinking, losing at every single game they invented, ain’t isn’t this all just a bit too quaint nabobs they know them to be. France’s economic minister Dominique Vache said, “I stick it to you English farthounds with your poor manufacturing industry coupled with a lax approach to financial regulation. Now I must go and smoke Gauloises with my outrageously sexy mistress.”

The reasons behind the Franco-German renaissance appear to be two-fold. The first is a commitment to supporting industries that have the promise of increasing exports. The other is the decision not to hand over money to the people who have the same familiarity with financial prudence as Paris Hilton has with modesty. German finance minister Miriam Meissner offered her approach to people working in the financial industry. “They’re all right guys but the love of god, don’t take your wallet into a meeting with them. And never, ever have a meal with them in a restaurant. Last time, I was left with the tab plus seven other tabs they’d accrued elsewhere.”

The triumphal spirit amongst the French and the Germans has spread to their general population with members of each of the countries keen to put Britain in its place. Kurt Wilhelmschaft was indicative of the ebullient mood felt by most Germans. “It’s so nice to feel pleasure due to the misery of others. If only us Germans had a word for it.”