Tuesday 1 December 2009

Wetherspoons to create monopoly on drunks

Wetherspoons has announced plans to create 10,000 new jobs in 250 new pubs, leading to fears that it will become the Tescos for bums. The company has stressed that it is not looking for competition but local pubs fear that the new pubs will be cutting in on their share of sad old men who start drinking at noon.

Proprietor of the Cat and Bunyon pub in Bromley Ed Berry said, "I've known some of these pissheads for years. There's Brian who is on a gin drip, old Mikey who likes to discuss the issues of the day with the dartboard and Wally who keeps on telling everyone that Destiny's Child stole his act.

"If they start drinking elsewhere in dimly lit shacks with cut-price drinks, I don't know what I'll do. The pub trade is bad enough as it is. You've got the recession, the smoking ban plus the fact that fewer people want to drink in a dingy bar with some bloke shouting at a dartboard."

However, the head of the Wetherspoons chain, Cecil Frimby tried to calm the fears of local publicans. "Wetherspoons started off very small. I saw a man drinking alone in a shed. And I thought to myself, 'Why don't we take that and make it bigger?' This is why all Wetherspoons are basically warehouses with booze. There's no music, no atmosphere, no football. But you do just pay two pound fifty for a Red Bull and vodka. That's why our motto is 'If you're having a good time, you've probably come to the wrong place.'"