Friday 20 November 2009

Fans of Twilight warned that not all vampires are pussies

With the release of the new vampire film Twilight, teenagers are being warned that not all creatures of the undead are limp-wristed, pale-faced wimps who collect flower petals and cry at sunsets. Experts foresee an entire generation growing up with the notion that vampires and werewolves are just misunderstood pansies who prefer going clothes shopping to defiling young virgins.

Fantasy expert Nigel Plummer said, "Twilight promotes the notion that the most fiercesome and brutal creatures are kind, considerate people. The sort who spend hours on the phone, going 'You hang up, no, you hang up,' But that just isn't it the case. The truth is that they would rather be kicking down your door and sucking you drier than a HSBC pension fund."

The Twlight saga has been praised for its portrayal of the dilemmas that most teenagers face. And then slammed for doing it with such bad writing. Writing expert Anna Liverman gave her opinion of the book. "It reads like a drunk trying to give road directions to a town in Wales."

There has also been considerable upset amongst the werewolf and vampire community over their portrayal in the film. The ire is due to them being depicted as weepy drips who use their muscled bodies to help grannies across the road and collect litter in parks. One vampire spoke out against the film, saying, "I'm a loathsome creature of the night. I'm evil, I'm despicable and I feast on the blood of the young. But now the wife has seen New Moon I'm expected to take her out for dinner and go shopping at Topman."